look at

how cliched i can be:

now the heart beating in my chest
feels emptier with every breath
as my lungs cave in
knowing i will never see you again

what a melodramatic malady
teenage tears and such ambidextrous apologies
for every bit of false hope you gave
i will take it too the grave
take them to the grave
those final words you said to me
in that ultimate hypocrisy
there is nothing more true than that

---
and after that point i go on and on about some other matter and i don't understand my train of thought or remember writing those words.

i hate mondays.

find me somewhere safe to hide
treason is within my reach
i am too tired to sleep
hold me while i finish this drink
every word is a tiny lie
whispering that i am fine
hopefully they believe it too
i can't forget anything, anything now
trying my hardest you won't break down
blood spills and i cry out
i've never wanted so much to die.

----

i've got more inarticulate apologies in me than will ever get out. every single thought is a question of whether you would try. i am so tired of thinking too much into every detail, forgetting every thing i must do. i would give everything up for too little. i know it. this obsession must stop. at least this year. one more to go, and i will still have work, and be even more alone. is there something broken? sometimes i fear it is me. i am sick of these thoughts in my head. when i don't sleep i rant and rave. only to my computer. i procrastinate then hate myself for it. there are no excuses. i miss who i thought i was.

sorry

i'm waiting for an exit
find me behind those trees
i don't want to be seen in your company
i miss the silence of our goodbyes
there is nothing left to be seen
secrets not lies behind those shadowed eyes
too tired to play this game
sorry i could not be there before
sorry i'm not here anymore


---------

i wish i could turn back time. I feel so useless now, faced with what I know. And I regret it, but I can't change what was done. I am sorry. I wish I knew what I was apologizing for.

home

Is where I am.
After a sojourn in Maine, working at my favorite camp ever. It was good, but I just got home and am still tired from everything. And all I wanted to do was sit and do nothing, but apparently that's not going to happen. Practice starts today, but I'm just going on a run instead. I don't want to see everyone really. Not that everyone. There are people I want to see.

I wish I had more time before school because I just want summer now, and senior year is going to be hell. Nothing else. In May, after I've taken the AP English Exam, I will be happy. Because just about everything will be done by then. Actually, my portfolio still might not be finished and I probably won't have presented my senior project. So I'll be done when I graduate and no sooner. This year is going to suck.

WHO LOVES 3OH!3?!?!?!?!1?!/?!!?!?!?!

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

they're fabulous. fo' sho'.
so hopefully i'm going to preorder "want" today or tomorrow.
it sick that they have a sign.
303 representttttt. haha.

let's drive

... to pennsylvania

listening to: playradioplay!
(obv)

Besides that, it's super windy outside today. I went to the beach, but wasn't warm enough to go in the water. Plus it's freezing here in comparison to CR! Like 20 degrees colder or something. I'll go in though, it's perfectly warm enough. I need to clean things. I bought my summer reading today, as well as the Calvin & Hobbes 10th Anniversary book, which my english teacher recommended to me for my Senior Project, which I really need to start working on.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a band w/super powers (as the main characters/protagonists), but I need a villain. Ideas? Or I need to decide to make it more of a story book or something else. I also need to talk to Maris, like crazy. Furthermore, I can never find the cable for my camera when I need to upload photos. It is most annoying. I want to just leave for Maine now, I know I'll miss everyone, but I like leaving I think. I like the feeling of packing up and having almost all I'll need in a bag. I like moving. I don't know if I'll be able to settle down when I grow up. Next week it will feel like I've been here too long. Costa Rica wasn't like that. I want to go back so badly. It already in my plans, that and possibly Spain. As well as Italy, of course.

My right leg is really sore right now, and it's upsetting because I need to run. I'm running 9.3 miles in less than two weeks (a week from this Sunday actually) and I'm not really ready. But I'll finish, so I'm not worried. I'm going to get fat though. Well, probably not since I decided to eat like a vegan (possibly vegetarian if vegan becomes too hard to maintain) at camp.

I'm tired. I still miss some kids. I want to see them. =|
Everything will resolve, I am sure. =]

TO DO LIST

- Spend time with friends before I leave, again.
- Music: make some, pick up the sax again, and work on guitar
- Surf
- Go to the beach, swim + become black (but no skin cancer thanks)
- Sleep more
- RUN

there is

So much I could write in this!
But really, I want to say that I went to Costa Rica for two weeks.
And I need a shower, ahora.
I'm probably going to talk in spanglish for the rest of my life.
Oh, dear.

gosh

I was thinking about it, and one time I had a dream that I was going to play bass for Duran Duran. And I was going to travel to Europe by car.

So maybe the other dream isn't so strange? Just way more symbolic, I suppose.

i had a dream

This was on Wednesday night/morning, just before I woke up, at 4:53, before my alarm. It was strange. There is no time frame. I am incredibly vague about some points, because I honestly am not sure whether the facts just made sense when I was thinking about it. Anyway, here it goes...

There was a balance beam, of that I am sure. It was like a birch tree, suspended 30 feet in the air (it was horizontal, obviously). I was walking on it, one foot in front of another. There were others there. The two I think were there were Lindsey and Lucas (a pair of twins that go to my school, I am not too well-acquainted with either, though Lucas is in my english class). I think Lindsey was in front of me and Lucas was behind, but I am not so sure. The figure I think was Lindsey fell (or someone fell), and someone yelled (Lucas?). And then there was an avalanche.

I missed this before. The birch was above a mountain, and to either side were spruce and pines, but I was above them. Maybe it was more than 30 feet. And somehow, for balance, I was holding onto tree branches that were sticking out towards me as I was walking. but after the avalanche, it becomes less clear. I remember the snow hurling down the mountain towards me, but below me. Then worrying about who had fallen, worrying about everything.

Then there were more people. And a white wall, it was huge. There was some sort of adult figure. Everyone was mad at me. But I don't know why. I don't think I understood in the dream either. I just knew I was wrong, and they had reasons, I think. At some point, possibly before the anger, I saw Kenny lurking/walking around, near the edge of the wall. I did not speak to him, but this is one part of the dream I am sure of.

Then, and this is a possibility, I may have talked to Graichen. I was by myself and someone came up to me, I think it was him. We talked, he was more exasperated than angry and I think he called me an idiot, But this I am not so sure of. But then I was going to sleep outside (which is weird, was I inside then, next to a massive white wall? Everything was white), and J.P. was like, "It's alright Sarah, I'll come with you." So for some inane reason I had to brush my teeth, so I go to the bathroom, and we know the light is out, so J.P. comes in with this massive light bulb, not incandescent or anything, just about 9 inches tall. He proceeds to try to replace the lightbulb, in a room that is inexplicably well lit. The bulb breaks though, J.P. dropped it. But "It's alright," I say, "I'll use the other bathroom." So I leave that one and walk to the next room over, which contains a bathroom that was strangely familiar yet I can no longer place. And then I woke up.


------
Possibly the strangest dream I have ever had. I don't understand it. So many of the details are incredibly unclear. I don't think I make much sense in the telling of it. Sorry.

dude

If I ever have kids, they are going to be up to date on their vaccinations. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I think it is illogical to not vaccinate your child if there is no medical reason not to do so. Who knows where they will go and what they will be doing in the future? Who knows if a neighbors kid (or the neighbor) is going to come back with some disease that you happened to not get your child vaccinated for because you thought vaccinations would give them autism? (Which, there is not a proven link to and the theory was brought to the public by a statement that was unproved at the time and roughly quoting Time Magazine "retracted by 10 of the 12 people who made it". I think, because I left the magazine downstairs. Also, mercury in vaccinations was once thought of as a cause (and still is?) but mercury was taken out of all but the flu vaccination and autism levels have not dropped.) End of story: vaccinate (or die)!

I don't really have a strong opinion on chicken pox vaccinations, because it won't kill you. But personally (as a teenager), I am very happy never to have had it and hopefully to never have it, because I was (dun dun dun!) vaccinated! (gasp).

Anyway, I read the cover story of this weeks time and it just made me angry. Because if there is a way to prevent a child from being sick, even if the likelihood of the child contracting the disease is incredibly low, it doesn't make sense to me not to use that solution.

how how how

there's so much i could talk about.
how i have scrapes from going down a tube slide at high speeds.
how i now own a tie dye shirt that is completely awesome.
how my friend and i were pretty much ditched,
had another friend drive forever basically to bring us home,
and then had an awesome time.
how i played frisbee barefoot for the first time,
and worried about glass in the park
and stood still looking for an open safety pin on the ground
how i threw a rock at my friend with my foot
because he was throwing rocks in my general direction.
(i hit him though).
how all my teachers decide now is a good time to assign things.
how i am going to fail english. ma quello e` non vero.
how i wish i knew more italian.
how i am said that i am probably going to miss seeing one of my best friends graduate
but am incredibly excited to go to costa rica.
how i sort of failed at sailing today
but we won and had our first home match
how this kid ate the brownie i was specifically saving for myself
how i am so stressed
but feel incredibly content in writing all this
how i never do my homework
and subsequently am going to fail english.
how i have to research literature using martyrs and revolutionists
(when i really wanted to study afghanistan's history)
how i really wish i knew where i was going in life.
how ridiculous this list is.
how i'm learning how to play guitar, sort of.


quello e` tutti del lo. il mio italiano e` cattivo, mi dispiace.
that is all of it.

when i checked that in google translate to make sure it made a little sense, it told me that "il mio italiano e` cattivo" meant "my english is bad". yet when i translate "my italian is bad" from english to italian, it totally give me what i wrote. lame.

i miss everything

Today I had an absolutely horrid time at sailing.
It sucked.
I could barely manage.

But what could I have been doing instead?
PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE.
What could be better?

I just can't deal with this.
No more sailing on Mondays for me, just frisbee.
For realz.

dude

Madonna's new single, 4 Minutes is just sort of upsetting. The song is pretty awful and the video itself is just lame. I mean, Hannah Montana's spoof on it is better. Mainly because Miss Cyrus's has some sick break dancing. But seriously.

what have i gotten myself into?

I decided that I want to try out for the All-State Senior Jazz Band. Not for bass, but alto saxophone. Looking at this years requirements, I'm realizing that it is going to be very difficult. Molto difficile, as I say all the time. I hope it will work out though. I need to work on my improv, tone, learn scales, and just regain all my saxophone ability, I suppose. I was decent at it, even good, though I'm not the best judge.

I want to try out for the Senior Orchestra as well, for bass. That way if I didn't make the Jazz Band, I would hopefully still make orchestra.

Okay, dilemma:
may 6 = the fall of troy, the dear hunter + two bands I haven't heard of in new haven
may 8 = the classic crime, sksk + aiden in new haven

I am not going to get parental permission to go to both of these. I know it. But aghhhhh. Choosing which one to go to is difficult. I might not be able to go on the 6th anyway because it is a tuesday. =|

ugh

I think it is not fun at all to tune the E string on a bass down to D.
It's strung in fourths, leave it that way gosh darn it.
This is my main excuse for not bothering to learn ETID bass lines.
And I just don't like it.

edit: i hope i'm right about the fourths things because i mix it up a lot.

=( + =]

by the time i get these, everyone i know will have a pair. =(


but i'm going to get these, and as far as i know, no one i know has plans to get them. =]

NEXT YEAR

I am going to Bamboozle. For sure. I don't have a ride this year. And even if I managed to find a ride at this point, I don't have the money. So next year I will be able to drive myself and afford a two-day pass, hopefully. I think there is a good chance. =)

I can't go to Warped this year because I will be working. But I really want to see LoveHateHero in April. But I'm hopefully going to see the Classic Crime, SKSK, etc. soon after in May. So I don't know if I'll have parental permission. And I need someone to go with. =|

I'm ridiculous.

what i love

i made a facebook group for the british band You Me At Six a while ago because I couldn't find any groups for them. And for the next few months there weren't. Now there are no less than 12 groups about the band. Facebook is really lame sometimes. I hate it.

procrastination fascination

You know what I think about a lot? How much I care about other people. Not about how much they care about how I look. But just like, caring. You know? Like oh, I hope they're doing alright, I hope they feel better...etc. This extends to basically acquaintances. Sort of.
=| I should be writing an english paper right now. Arghhh.

avoidance.

I haven't really written in a long time. Here or in my notebook (which I prefer). Honestly, I'm really trying to avoid everything that's happening right now. Some things are perfectly alright, really good even, in some cases, but some stuff is just stressing me out. It's lame. I use the word 'lame' so much these days. I'm not even sure who I know that says that. Probably no one.

Outside the wind is howling. Or exhaling very loudly. It's more of a roar than that thin reedy sound of wind whistling through trees.

Today I went with my mom to pick up my brother and his friend from their soccer games, and the way up it rained. One the way home, it poured. The wind was incredible. It was probably some of the worst rain I've seen. [That may or may not be an exaggeration, because at the time the rain was pretty intense.] Anyway, the weather today was awful.

I'm learning how to drive (finally!). Yesterday I watched the Bourne Ultimatum and today I watched the Bourne Supremacy (out of order, I know) and what they have taught me about driving is this: potentially, you can go through a vicious road chase, escape the police and get the person chasing you killed, all without doing much/any damage to your own body.

Personally, I don't think there are enough overpasses or construction sites here for me to do that.

eh.

Listening to Angels and Airwaves makes me feel so weird. I haven't really listened to them much, but I've heard "Secret Crowds" on the radio a few times recently and decided to listen to their first album. I just feel like I'm listening to Blink-182, but a little more mellow. Obviously I know the reason for this, but it just... is so odd.

ugh

It's so lame that the YMCA pool pump is broken. We can't swim in the other pool because it's booked, apparently. I'm guessing a birthday party, because those bring in money and we don't. So we're practicing at URI the next two days. Lame lame lame lame.

The only good side is that we're racing at URI on Saturday (well, the boys are on Sunday). But seriously.

updates are boring

Hm. So I guess I'm in a band? Pretty sweet I suppose. There's no drummer though. I have no idea why they're so difficult to find. If I had the coordination and what not I would be a drummer. I like bass though, so it's all good. There is a drum set in my basement. For my brother, who never practices or plays the drums.
I really like vacation, but it's already Wednesday. =| I wish it was earlier in the week.
I'm going to go bake something.

random

I'm sort of a fan of the new Good Charlotte single. I'm going on a wing saying it's their new single, because I've heard it only very recently and the radio is the only place I could have heard it. I heard it in gym today though. =| Anyway, I listen to what amount to a Top 40 Radio Station in the morning, and as the hits have been more pop-punk, pop-rock (ish) recently, it's been a little more bearable. I kind of like the song though. It was stuck in my head like all morning though, just one line, which was sort of annoying.

Another good thing: Mayday Parade. They rock.

I love that I wake up to the radio, because more often than not it doesn't wake me up. The whole reason I listen to a Top 40 station is because if I listen to my local rock station it just doesn't wake me up. I tend to sleep through music I know. Generally the pop awfulness on 105.5 (what I wake to) wakes me up. Honestly, it's all catchy as hell.
And most of it I would cringe at if I heard it during the day.

oh

How I wish my town was a large city. If only every band I want to see would come here. I could have my mother drive me to the venue, drop me & friends off and if anything happened I'm already super close to home. Or I could go with Kara.

Why are the shows I want to go to always on Sundays?

honestly

You probably do not understand how overrated I find Paramore. They're not bad, some of their songs are catchy. Their newest video (Crushcrushcrush (more crushes?) sucks. And they have no lasting power really. You can't listen to them for a long time. Sorry all you people who love them. This time next year? Maybe not so much.

hahaha

What I'm about to write makes me want to giggle... here it goes.

Why Andy Horst (from This Providence) and Me would be BFFL:
- We both love coffee
- I enjoy bubble tea, but having it only once, I shall not yet declare my love for it
- He is a big fan of Jesus. As am I, as am I.
- I love music.
- The Beatles
- I love mountains, hiking and swimming too.
- I hate drugs too, obv. not over the same circumstances
- He likes dogs
- I like at least 75% of the music on the list on his myspace
- The History Channel and the Discovery Channel are the only things I watch (besides House)
- I enjoy clif bars, reeses, and vitamin water. And fruit roll-ups.
- I'm a This Providence fan.

There you have it, why we would be such excellent friends.
I'm such a loser. ;)

i'm loving

Mason Musso right now, fo' realz foo'. =]

Speaking of Metro Station (sort of, kind of) my cousin said that Blake was the only one who had so far shown the ability to grow a beard. [Basically because I pointed him out to her because he's awesome.] Love it.

you can hate me, after you pay me

LAWLZ. Seeing Cobra Starship made me love them so much more. It was excellent. I forgot my camera though, so I don't have any pictures. And I didn't get to see anyone, or take obnoxious pictures with them on my phone. But overall, dancing my ass off and shouting/singing to Metro Station and Cobra Starship was wicked spectacular.

I don't think enough people danced. It annoys me way too much, but even when Trace (I'm pretty sure it was Trace not Mason) said "This song is made for dance clubs so let's make this one" or something to that effect, not everyone was moving. I mean, I suck at dancing, but the music is killer for it. =P

Oh, and:
Next time I go to Boston, I want to see more sights.


This is what I now own:


I'm too lazy to take a picture of the shirt I got.

you know what?

Kindness doesn't cost a thing.

resolve.

I think I can't not enjoy youth. Sadly, it was a little weird today, because Jess wasn't there, and Kainoa was out. But Kara, JP, Cindy and I went to Starbucks, where we discussed faith and the book I'm reading, among other things. We didn't want to stay at the church, which is why we went to Starbucks. I wish there was one a little closer to home, but it's alright.

The book I'm reading right now is good. It's called The Last Season and it's really quite excellent, although I haven't finished it yet. It's rather sad though.

I was thinking about it today, and I haven't cried in a really long time. For me, anyways. At least, I can't remember having cried (like really cried) in quite a while. Weird. I get to like a breaking point, and then I get a weekend it seems. This next week is going to be tolling though. In the next 3 days, I have 3 swim meets. And then on Wednesday next week, exams start.

I'm a little worried, but I figure it will all work out.

so.

I have decided that I enjoy the Decemberists quite thoroughly. They have grown on me. I only have the Crane Wife though, I don't know any of their older stuff.

But I suppose any band that is almost named after a Russian revolution (Decembrist not Decemberist) should be halfway decent. In honor of that, if I ever have a band I shall name us the Mensheviks. Just kiddinggg.

[edit: I suppose that truly to name my band after the revolution I would have to name it the Bolsheviks, but I'd rather be sort of obscure. I had definitely heard of the Bolsheviks before taking Modern Euro, but the Mensheviks? Not so much.]

history is important, i swear

Oh yeah, today my brother was doing work on his history class or something and he asked me if I had gotten my research paper back (no) and I asked him if he had gotten his (mini) one back (no) and what it was on (Francis Ferdinand). And so I ask him exactly what about Francis Ferdinand, and say just about all I know about the guy being like, so it basically said this?
I'm still not sure exactly what it was but my brother was like "How did you know that? I didn't know anything about him before I picked the topic..." Turns out, my brother would have known about Francis Ferdinand if the school had not reformed the middle school social studies curriculum. Oh I hate administration.
Then I tried to talk about WWI and my brother told me to shut up but much more nicely. And then he called history stupid. I tried to explain why history wasn't stupid (those who do not know the past are doomed to repeat it and so forth) but he didn't get it and I gave up.

Actually, this all started because my brother is learning about WWII and mentioned Operation Sea Lion... His live gamertag is asealion, and he was like "I wonder if people who know about it think I'm a nazi"... I voted for no, but who knows.

haha.

we fall with the rain

I think I'm going to work on getting back into the habit of writing a little every day. It really tends to help me sort out my emotions I think, and lately I've been pissy and awful to my parents for really no reason. And I feel bad but I'm just angry, so I don't feel bad until I think about it later. It's annoying.
I hate school work, and I just want this semester to be over. And it isn't really about not liking the classes, I just want to sleep. When I'm just going to hang out on the computer I probably should just go to bed. I need to work on sleeping more too. Seriously, 5-6 hours a night isn't cutting it. I never fall asleep before 11 I'm sure, and then my alarm goes off at 5:30, and I hit snooze until it's 6 and I need to get up. That's how it is.

Late new years resolutions I suppose. Better late than never, for this anyway. For most things... just don't bother at all.

i'm listening to the decemberists

I don't know if I really like them. They're decent I suppose. I'm supposed to be doing notes for Modern Euro. Oh well. It's almost over, thankfully. =| I was in such a bad mood this morning, I'm pretty sure I glared/threw a dirty look at the car behind my dad's when he dropped me off at school. I was just so pissed off to be there. =/ The day wasn't too bad, relatively.

I went snowboarding this weekend, it was good. Lindsey came up to Pico with us, so that was fun. The snow was pretty good, well-groomed certainly. The upper mountain was decent too, sometimes it's all ice (though it was getting that way-so i heard). =]

--------------------
and so we fall from the sky
wishing that we never cried
everything is failing
but we know where we are

and so i smile
and speak the truth
i've never known what to do
wishing on stars, hoping for a clue

memories, oh i wish you knew
every day is something new
i've found happiness is fleeting
and love is rarely true

someday we will laugh at ourselves
wondering what we thought we knew
but not wishing to change a thing
these are the thoughts the new year brings

today was

quite alright. Despite the fact that this is being posted at an hour which usually has me writing shitty depressing poems about crap that doesn't matter. I hate modern euro, still though.

My swim meet today was excellent, though! Even though I feel like I was trampled by some raging hippogriffs ;) my times were back where they should be! We lost by a point though. :( Oh well, better luck next time. Hopefully we'll get our swim team sweatpants in tomorrow, I'm so excited for them. =]

school is the bane of my existence.

Back to school.
Man, it sucks. h8 it.
But seriously, there are 8 days 'till exams.
What gives?
So how about I'm going to fail my Modern Euro exam.
Modern Euro makes me angry.
But after exams, Cobra Starship will save me (but not my soul).
i'm so br00+41, or rather, not at all. Zeros look like crap in this font.

How close is close enough?
I think I could listen to Taking Back Sunday for at least a month without getting sick of it. Maybe not.

----honestly, I sort of hate this.


And So The World Ended

We hide behind tired lies
Faces guarded behind tired eyes.
Every move a calculation
We know what we are facing.

There are clouds drifting through the sky,
Silently threatening rain.
Darkening the day
We fall with the rain.

Watch silently, the scripted actions.
Find the plot,
Each character with a name
A feeling you can’t explain.

Beyond knowing what is right and wrong
Feel the melody not the song
Every note drifts higher
Every note drifts lower.

We fall with the rain.
Ruins of a nation hold.
We live in desperation
There is no happy here.

Things so strained
How to explain
That things are not the same
We fall with the rain.

Hiding behind tired lies,
Faces guarded behind tired eyes
Clouds drift through the sky,
You feel sad, but don’t know why.

Silence in the words
And every verse a chord
Like drops falling down
We fall to the sound

And so the story goes
There was a great nation
And then the rain fell down
Find who survived.

We hide behind tired lies
Faces guarded behind tired eyes,
Clouds drift slowly by,
You feel sad, but you know why.

You feel sad. Do you know why?
You feel sad. Do you know why?
You feel sad. The clouds don’t lie.
You feel sad. We say good-bye.

i bought enigmatic heart's ep and so should you.

i'm bored.
i'm so excited for january 20th.
and the end of february, around the 23rd i think.
it's going to be excellent.
i love the word excellent, seriously.

oh i went to swim practice this morning and didn't really do much, but amanda was working with a little kid on his freestyle, and our coach came up and he was like "your mom says you can stay another hour, do you want to?" (obviously, he was going to leave, he was really little) and he was like "i want to stay."

that was super.

sing

every day is a blank page
watch me rearrange the world
i can try, i can try
every moment a blank slate

let me make a change,
i can try, i can try
every sound in my mind
out loud, in rhyme

wipe away tears,
come on and care,
a rainbow of color, in every smile
i can try, i can try

everyday is a blank page
watch me make change
i can try, i can try
i can try, i can try
i can try.

---

Everyone can make a difference. Simple things are worth as much as anything else.

mm.

music: bulls make money, bears make money, pigs get slaughtered - chiodos


come on and hold me still

i'm a creep.

christmas!

Christmas has come and gone, and Santa (aka my parents) was good to me this year. =] Among other things I got a sweet mug, that has the Earth on it. And when you put coffee or whatever in it, the ice caps melt and the Earth starts to disappear! Sick, right?

Anyway, I spent some time visiting my cousins in New Jersey, and then in New York. NJ is where most of my Dad's family lives, while upstate NY is my mom's. On my dad's side there isn't anyone near my age. But my cousin's son Nick is so cute. He has the same birthday as me, which is pretty sweet.



So that was good, he got a light saber for Christmas from someone, maybe my family, and this is what he told me: "You have to be fast on your feet to be a jedi master!" He's 5. And I just made myself really sad. Oops. =/
But that visit was good. My aunt Ronnie was there for the first time in years, which means that whenever someone opens something they need to stop and show her, and explain if applicable.

In New York, we arrived Christmas Eve, no one was there. Christmas day, my brother and I sat around the house waiting for everyone to arrive. See, they were at home opening their presents. Yippee. There was no wireless internet without a password around either, so I couldn't get on the internet. =(

That evening I saw Superbad though, finally. It was decent. Maybe a little better than decent, but I just sort of hate movies I think if they're not animated. It really varies. Then yesterday I went to the movies with my cousins. We saw Walk Hard, and it was sort of disappointing. Oh well. I got a cute bag from my cousin, or technically my aunt, from a craft fair or something at URI when she went to visit. It was a rice bag originally, now it's this:


Anyway, to wrap it up, tonight I saw the Simpson's Movie and it was good as far as I'm concerned. I sort of love Bone Palace Ballet right now, it's excellent.

I'm off to watch Law & Order: CI. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! =]

today was a good day for blogging

Beyond the Moon

In the rain, you lied
I know.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.
I gave up this.
You wanted to leave.
Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.

Go, I know
You will not stay
Beyond the sun, the clouds I cannot see
Reality is beyond me.
And so, we part,
I know I have an empty heart.
There is no pain, no loss
Every song is a breaking heart
But mine is fine.

The wind is howling.
Trees bend in the breeze.
Do you know your limits?
I call and you seize.
Still, still, still.
Still, still, still.
Stiff as a brick,
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
So we call into the night.

Blasting beats, heavy drum beats.
Pound through your ears.
Moving in time.
We are so alive.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.

Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.


----
I need to learn how to not overanalyze things. =/ And deal.
Oh well.

i'm boring

plastic. i have a big nose. sweet.

everything will end someday

Is it weird that I could make a long list of things i like? Or that I can try to describe myself in paragraphs that I don't know are true? Because I've never met myself. I have no understanding of how my actions are viewed by other people. On a small scale, people's reactions can tell me that, but really I don't know.
I feel like people describing themselves is somewhat of an impossible thing. You get to know people by talking and acting with them, not by reading lists of their favorite things and what they think of themselves and how they act. It's not real. Not most of the time anyway. People can easily convey their own desires, I suppose, and that can in turn, tell you a lot about a person. But really, talking is probably the best way.
This is my brief rant on why the internet is so shallow and superficial. Except for the fact that I found a friend on it. I'm a hypocrite just about 24/7 it seems at times. But I digress.

---
I think I'm going to see Cobra Starship w/Metro Station, We the Kings and the Cab in January! Yippee! So that's exciting.
Plus, I got a macbook today. Excellence.
It's really a mixed bag that I'm never home on Christmas. On one hand, I get to open my presents early, on the other, I'm never home on Christmas, and as such never get to open presents on Christmas morning. Maybe that doesn't make sense... But it does to me.

this makes me feel like this: =S

there are one too many days left 'till it's summer and we're at rest
sands dripping slowly through that hourglass;
another hour, my mind's not on class
the bell rings and you hear screams, it's a joy to be back home
i've missed these simple things, school bells and vacations
off galavanting, looking for what i couldn't find back here
turns out what i couldn't find, was hiding right before my very eyes
i've never known what love is, will you teach me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
escaping algebra with heart strewn across my paper,
can't concentrate with your words running through my head
i used to wish for anywhere but here,
now it's anywhere you're near
infatuation, but it's more, something i've not felt before
i've never know what love is, will you show me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
well i can't believe my luck, my feelings are all running amuck
and now I know, now I know, now I know what I couldn't find
was love.

--short.

i like this, sort of. but it makes me feel like chan. =/ not half as sappy, but still. ew.

stupid

so everything adds up
to something we can't trust?
trying to understand
what can't be held in our hands.
there is pride in the past
what you've done? it won't last.
we are pessimists at heart
throwing away what we're given
pushing away those trying to save us
the only saving I need,
is from myself
let's go, I know it's not my problem
you've got that smile on
that says you're better than me
well maybe you're complete
but if you're not careful
you're going to be broken
this isn't my problem, i know
so let's go
we're leaving this party
and splitting this scene
[as we should be]

progress/regress?

i'm on an underoath binge. everything i have by them on shuffle. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, except procrastinating. i am up too late. i am ending this.

forward, not back

there is sadness in your smile
that wasn't there before
i know it will take a while
there was nothing more we could've done
you hold onto the ones you love
as you should,
we can quote death cab
and we can cry
there is nothing we can say
but we can try to heal
yeah we can heal
the past is the past, you can't have it back
we knew this was coming
but we never truly knew what it would mean
and so it seems
that we need to try
to get our lives together
and remember what there is to remember
never forget this past,
but move forward, not back
it's sad but let's move on
all hope isn't gone
all things will come to pass
even if some come too fast
i know that it is hard,
you're not alone remember that
please remember that
i'm trying to get to you
it's all that i feel i can do
everything will come together
everything will get better
time will heal these open wounds
things will not seem so bad
i know that you still are sad
and so am i,
we have to try to heal
through tears and pain
it will be alright
and we will move on
put our lives together
remember what there is to remember
never forget the past,
and move forward, not back.


__________

=|

i hate this time of night.

i have so much to say
to everyone i know, everything i feel
i feel so much
and if i said, everything i could
where would i be?
would you still like me?
because i do not know
and fear fills me up inside
this is dread--i cannot hide
there is no escaping my own mind
and i want to talk about it
my fear comes from the very thing
i want to say this and that
i take things to seriously
i over interpret everything
i want you to love me for me
i don't know where these words come from
tears are falling from my eyes
i am sick of not knowing what to say
when all the words in my head are arranged
forming sentences and words
that you would hear, you could hear
if i told you...
but i am filled with fear
your voice is so near
i am overwhelmed
i am overwhelmed
keep talking so i do not have to speak
i fear this moment,
will i be well received?
i want to know how you will respond
to what i say before i say it.
and then i could tailor my words
to the reaction i want
not have this dread, that keeps me from saying everything
i over think everything,
take in attention, i just want affection
i don't know where I'm going with this
i have so much to say
to everyone i know, every though in my mind
i could talk for days, trying to explain
i would never finish
but I'm scared, how would it fair?
i am filled with fear--i cannot hide
there is no escaping, this is my mind
forgive me i babble,
I'm trying not to hit anything too important
while I'm talking,
in case anything should slip
that i would rather not be heard
because i fear my words
would be taken the wrong way
you do not know. you do not know,
i have so much to say.

-------
I feel like shit.

ayyy

the best thing was said to me today:
"spandex are a privilege, not a right."
or something along those lines, by this kid i barely know whose name is Drew. amazingness fer sureee.

THIS IS NOT TRUE

you will come down soon too
you will come down too soon


i hate not knowing what to say, i hate silence. i hate the not knowing more. i'm sick of listening to my own voice. i'm sick of people listening to me. sing me a song and it will make everything all right. i just want everything to be all right. Maybe someday we will be. i miss happy endings. these things are never ending. we have gone too far to turn around. we have gone too far. i missed. this is not the time to say these words spilling from my mouth. nothing right has ever come out. i was trying to be hiding in my silence. i broke it, this is timeless. i promised to tell everything when the time is right. the time will never be right, you know. this is the best i have ever been. and the worst i have ever been. there is no inbetween, no happy medium. i lost everything and gained all i knew. one fell swoop. so cliche. how i never know the right words to say. there is no idea, no golden thought, that will allow me to continue on. i'm hanging on with all i've got. everything will be all right some time i pray. it's to much for me to say. silence suffocating me down. tieing me to the ground. static and immobile. these hopes are futile. there is no escape from the silence i've made. no escape from the sound. contradict everything, this is nothing but a dream. i've hoped to see it all. this is all i've seen. destruction and disaster. lies and laughter. hidden meaning i will never know. i am never told. we fight this war until we grow old and brittle. old and bitter. the hate corrodes our insides. rusted metal grating at our minds. leaving the past behind. we will all die.


-----
today was decent.

work = results, lazy = nothing

I should do something rather than procrastinate so much. Like learn the languages I love. Every single one of them. And get the scanner hooked up to the mac. Pen in my drawings. Read more. Do homework on time. Run all the time. Swim all the time. Everything I say I would like to do. It's stupid. But I never get anything done. Oh, and practice bass, which is becoming a reality. All-state will be the death of me. But it's something better than being boring.

Agh. I hate notes for modern euro and my inability to be productive while on a computer w/the internet. >0

there is no finale

we tried the best we could
i never knew what i knew i should
but everything is the past
the future is coming fast
these sounds fill me with emotions
i can not explain
no words to give a name
failing me for now
words & sounds at once
will you join me?
i know i am not the best
i know that i am a mess
i am giving you a chance, a choice
if i asked you, would you dance with me?
me and my two left feet?
oh, i'm always waiting for a 'no'
i don't know what to believe
people on tv, tell me things i need
i don't need you.
maybe i do. maybe i don't.
deciding things for me.
this world is beyond me
i am trailing behind, a relic,
lost in my own mind
is this for real?
i never knew what to feel, when
you said 'i love you'
it wasn't a conclusion, ever.
i miss you, never.
beginning at the ending,
i have no more problems,
there is no feeling in my words
the sounds i hear, filling the air
emotions i can't explain
while words fail me
and i shake shake shake
on my own, i am filled with feeling
this is nothing real
i can tell you this
i can't tell you this
there was never anything to miss
this is true
i watched everything and talked talked talked
to hear my voice and not hear silence
that would tell me the truths
i did not want to hear anything
but myself
because listening is so difficult
and every thought has a violent need
to be screamed
i hide and hide, silence can be my disguise
there is nothing to say
there is everything to say
i am not finished, i am not done
there is no finale.

ah ha!

So today, I'm walking/sprinting to my first class and see Kate A. who waves me over and points to her mouth were there is an amazing green lip ring. Unfortunately, it's not real, but it was incredibly cool. And I saw Kara and Kainoa on my run which was pretty swell. =0

I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I need to get cracking on that robot costume if that's what I want to be. I'll probably just put on ridiculous clothes and too much make-up and say I'm something random. It doesn't really matter. I swear I'm going to go trick-or-treating forever.

I want this shirt:

uh

So I have a small obsession with French bands. It's all good though.

let's see

I totally respect Radiohead. Their new cd can only be downloaded from their site. You choose the price. And that officially makes me feel far to guilty to try to download it without paying anything. The price is in UK pounds though. And a dollar is like .48 pounds. Which sort of sucks. But, oh well. Besides fixing our economy and national debt, there's not much I can do. ;)

buy me this.
(for girls though)
i will love you forever.

so i wrote something today

it rambles.

you can paint your face with the bad news
all things end much too soon
we'll never know for sure what's going on
but everyone loves a good fight
well we're fighting but what's the poit
w're living and nothing's the same
we're humans are we ever humane?
i wish i could say everything i wanted to
and not get ridiculed for being
so idealistic and naive, it's not
how i mean to be
but words sound better in my mind
than to my ears
every things changed out loud
there's a sound for every emotion i know
we try and hide it,
know one will know
this isn't real or reality
all these things mean nothing to me
we're fighting but there is no reason
we're humans yet not humane
our solutions create problems
we now have to fix
we're missing the point
there is no conclusion
these words are my war
i wish i could do something more
opportunity is what i'm askign ofr
these options are limited, but my feelings intense
emotions like a prism--every color
there's no solution, we are who we are
i just wihs i could say what i wanted to
and not be ridiculed for being idealistic and naive
it's not how i mean to be
everything sound better in my mind
i'm working on thinking how to make things more clear
but the ideas aren't adding up
and the solutions are not enough

a bay bay

i actually hate that song.

buttt, I may be posting on my lj again, fer realz. lawlz. =] hehe.
and i haven't written anything in forever, but words have been bouncing around my brain, I've been so busy. Not really busy enough to justify not writing down said words but whateverrr. =]

and i officially <3 switchfoot. they're lovely.

weeeeeee

the classic crime is awesome. =]

dude

Things are 1/2 good 1/2 bad. I'm sick of being so fucking melodramatic. So that's my mid-end of year resolution, to stop being so fucking melodramatic. And lighten up and work on my schoolwork because I take things way too seriously and need to get an A in modern euro. it was such a mistake to switch into that class. Whatever.

mood

I wish there were better describing words because what I feel like right now = anxious/worried/scared/nervous/terrified/numb/angry/depressed

shit.

how can you tell me those obvious lies with such a straight face?

----
I fucking need a new ipod. Now.

Everything is resolved with a sea breeze and watching the sun rise over the trees. Seeing the sky fill with every hue.

old stuff

Just stuff that was written a while ago . It's not very good and there are lines pretty much stolen from Conor Oberst...oh well.
-------

the words? they stumble around
speaking of things which i'd rather
not talk about
i tried it once, twice, and it's
never gonna happen again I'm afraid
Trust is impossible when people won't
Take your secrets to the grave
you can repeat all the lies
and give the apologies
I'm just gonna walk down the street
And hope I never see you again
Betrayal is nothing to take lightly
And I'm sick of forgiving so called friends
No one will be there 'til the end
Denial is worthless and selfish
How could I believe you would do this?
Always so trusting, I'm sick of me caring
EVERYTHING IS THE SAME

-----------

we were staring up at the clouds
wondering what would come around next
heard the future in our sleep
saw the world with a disease
watched cities crumble on tv
while no one ever heard of you or me

so hard to remember how this goes
as i watched you put on your clothes
where are we now, what time is it?
why do we still exist?

I never thought it'd take so long
And I always feel so alone
Somewhere we went wrong
Between the passing of a cloud and the sun coming out

Our past and future will never meet again
Goodbye, now I've said it again
Sometime this will end, sometime this will end
sometime we will all end

whispered promises, with hopes of happiness
this is always how life was
on the edge of lonliness, when we had no one else
and the future passed us by.

--------
Don't Try, We'll Just Leave
Hold your hand out, it's time to leave
This never was the right disease
The way things were we should have seen
Nothing is as it seems

Pour the wine and have a toast
What is it that you miss the most:
Curious kisses and roaming hands?
Eyes full of desire and loniliness?

This pity party is such a drag
You can never lose what you never had
Talk full of cliches and ungraceful words,
All the truth you had never heard

Walking straight to our graves
Who did you want to save:
The lover that you never loved?
The friend who was never good enough?

Inaction-you're gravest sin
You who never let anyone win
Crocodile tears fall from brown eyes,
You only weep from surprise.

--------------
Joy
Chasing circles around my head
What's to worst you could have said to me?
All the anger and the rage
Wine bottles flying through the air
The contents nicely aged leaving spectacular stains
Held by memories

So I say you're not alone
You say you'll never be whole
The tears in my eyes leaving shadows in my mind
While the door is swinging shut
And I'm left all undone

Which is worse, which is worse
Being left or never having anyone?
And while this perpetual heartache's amusing
These feelings are deceiving
I was never good at choosing
I want to learn everything you see.

And my mind fills with questions
None of them answered. I get up at dawn just to see the sunrise.
All the memories with meaning have faded
That's how it seems--I just want something to hold onto
As the sky fills up pinks and orange and blue
I'm filled with something which so long ago I knew
And now it seems that everything will resolve in the end.

---------
this one really sucks (i deleted some of the really sucky parts though)
we live the cleanest lives we can
volunteering and showers planned
walk along this clear white line
following plans made for our lives

it's been so long now and it's so dark
as we're sitting on a bench in the park
night noises and silence,
our breathing so violent.
I shiver at the sound, it is so dark now.

I laughed when you said you would never be free
I didn't know what you meant
Well this cage that we're in it's all
that we see, clawing at the bars
pretending we're happy
but it was never meant to be

i've been waiting all night for you to tell me
What's going on, but you've stayed as silent
as i've tried to be
And I still wonder what you meant
And if you see the same cage as me.

----------

I tried so hard
Yet everyone still saw the scars
That I always wanted to hide
Someday I'll be fine, I know
I'm always hoping to be found
When I'm lost in the city
Not looking where I am
The nights are so pretty
Even if I can't see the stars
I know that they're there
I hope someone cares as much as me
All the people with their friends
I've yet to make amends with mine,
for everything that happened last time.
I don't know if I could say,
'Things are better off this way'
But I can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone
Sometimes I try to find you
Where I think you'll be
I promise you'll never see me
You'd never want to, I wouldn't want to--
But as i watch the sunrise
Sitting on the beach
I know this isn't the end you
would have wanted for me
I don't know what you wanted from me
I just want to be alive
I do not want to die, anymore
not like i did before

--------

crash and burn, don't pretend
you'll never learn, you've done it again
this disaster is nothing more than you idea of
a good time
you should stop wasting my time
the weeks pass like seconds
i realize i still need you like i need air
it feels horrible
neck high in water that's only getting deeper
i know that i am wrong but you were
always my keeper--
things should have, could have, would have
been different, any other way
It's times like these when sleep is the only escape,
Until nightmares, of harsher years grate upon my mind
Reminding me time and time again why i don't need you
you who i long for, you are my air
I wish you were here

----------
This Future is Our Past
We watch the days fade away
Like our writing in the sand
The sounds of our demise
Filling our ears like a band
A soft and lonely silence settles over
This is the only time I regret
We laughed with innocence at all these feelings
Never expecting how these things would go
I'd give anything to know what you're feeling
But I would never ask and you would never let it show
Those emotions that fly on windy days like these
Watching those colors, simply drifting the breeze
We made promises before we knew what they were
There was nothing easier or free
Laying on the grass watch the clouds
pass overhead
Calling out shapes, remembering all we had said
There was nothing more simple than that
All we had was good times and laughs
The world was what we had
To do with what we wished
Laughter and happiness--there was only bliss
Now these times remind me of this
Only everything isn't the same
Laughter and happiness--it isn't yours or mine
A tale of destruction or a tale of the times?
I don't know. I do not know.
There was such confusion and all that fuss,
The world let us know that we had fucked up
Up until then it was nothing but youthful innocence
We knew not what we did
You said you needed time, well I needed time to think
There was a time when all these problems
Were solved with merely a drink
But no more.
We loved and we lost though we tried as well
as we knew how
this game was never explained and
it's over now
And we sit in silence by the sea
watching clouds pass in the breeze
there was nothing easier or free.

----------

There was nothing but innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
But I knew something was missing
You would have given the world
To just have known what I was thinking
You'd said it enough
You've said it so much
A penny for your thoughts?
The world for yours?
Our treasonous voices, humming vocal chords
A smile as bright as sunshine
Through the cold downpour
Every contradiction--I still wanted more
Drifting through the seasons
Now spring is in the air
Sh! Now be quiet, and tell me what you hear
Spin me a tale of truth and love--
One of those I need more of
There was only innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
I knew something was missing
Now ever day's a day
You could have had with out me
I didn't realize then what I'm now guilty of:
Wasting your time,
Just as you were a pleasant waste of mine.

...:::///|||\\\:::...

It's sort of a lot (it took long enough to type anyway) but it's about everything I've written recently. Tokyo Police Club is really awesome.

repeat.

Listen to these lies
This never ending pattern of replies
I've heard it before, heard nothing more
This constant insanity

It's always goodbye
Always the same old song
Always you've done wrong again.
All over again.

Wishing and dreaming that something could change
Something would change
It was never enough
There is never enough to work

And we say the words
as well rehearsed lines
Every emotion perfected and every look just right
All the stage cues performed at exactly the right time

All of this was never going to work
Better at fighting then getting along
From the beginning this was all wrong
This was never a good choice

So we repeat the words
So well rehearsed and familiar
It was always this way
And it is always the same
These fights will never go away.


---------

Everything I write is exactly the same. Except some of the earlier stuff when I was a fucking mess. I need to work on it.

boredom!

You Were Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

You can judge for yourself, but I think that description is surprisingly good. Except shining in social situations. No way.

You are 47% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

hahaha =O

oh no.

there is less than a week until school starts. =( ick.

jebediah the fish and the angry biker!

I copied this from Kara's lj , because this is what I did last night after going to Pizza Place then DQ with Kara, her mom and a bunch of other people that I could list but am not going to. It's pretty sweet (edit - i think it's sweet because i made it), and where it says 'Sarah', that's me.

Tonight at youth we created a story, of sorts.
(And by 'we', I'm mean Sarah and I. And I guess Jess contributed with the storyline a little. But mainly Sarah. I give her the credit.)
We found some little religious foam cutouts ("Jesus Pieces") in the cabinet at church and decided to do arts and crafts while listening to some Anberlin and a lil' Family Force 5.
Here's the rest...
Enjoy! (Or, don't. Because I'm not sure I would. Haha.)











He's rockin' the NSYNC tee shirt.



Fin.

----------------------Back to me.

If it's tough to read some things, sorry I had to make the pictures smaller so they would fit without being cut off. I'm off for a run!

joy.

All those false words of sympathy
Held up with melodies of misery
All I wanted was to not be forgotten.
But we forget.
Nothing more, nothing less.

----------

The facts compel this conclusion
Lies holding up an illusion of democracy
An illusion of idiocy--wait, that's real.

-------------

Are we strangers in a strange strange land?
never understanding all these worthless plans
waiting for answers but just standing around
the flowers looked beautiful but now they're dead
and the ground is cold

we lost our map ages ago
now wanderers lost on this empty plain
stragglers driving through the rain
don't know where we're going,
but we'll find out when we get there

----------------

nothing's making sense
these incoherent thoughts are a mess
i miss these ease with which i used to write
words flowing freely from a pen (keyboard)
and now it's this chopped up mess
going from fear of being forgotten
to democracy to wandering
i miss everything. =/

maybe

I'm not sure if I should write so much. It's a self-destructive habit at times. =/ But whatever. I ran through a cemetery today, it lets me dwell on our own mortality. =/ But no, cemeteries are really quiet, but I hate running by mausoleums, because they're creepy.

The end.

=/

uh. hey.

So I saw some of Little Miss Sunshine yesterday. Most of the end anyway. And it's funny, my cousin said she didn't get it at all that it was weird. It was weird, but that's the point. I told her it all boiled down to the little speech about life being a beauty pageant, which may or may not be true. But it's a good movie even if it is weird, it's sad and funny and sort of awful but not really. And it's a little like life, which is always a good thing. Though perhaps not. I'm not sure about anything, but I've done more this week after getting home then I did most of last summer after camp I'm pretty sure. =/

home again

I've returned from Colorado after an eventful shit-show of a trip, and while I'm happy to be home, as of yet, the company was more exciting back there.

Anyway, it feels good to be back, I'm working my way through Harry Potter and just hanging around, but I have to go call someone and learn how to sail spinnaker. =0

oh dear

this is the fourth post in the last few hours but the song "girl anachronism" by the dresden dolls pretty much completes me, although i don't feel out of this time period, just a mess.

tell me i'm wrong, please

the internal bleeding is not so obvious
as the bullet holes are
but regret is filling this heart
regret is nothing to me anymore
those pretty pictures, perfectly complementing
your perfect frame, your perfect face
shattered away now

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because

this was the end
this is the end
call 911 i think this is an emergency
but it's too late to save this kid
so constantly late, never ontime
always rushing in 'sorry, sorry'
sometimes it's fine but not now

the internal bleeding isn't as obvious
as the bullet holes are
but you broke all the mirrors
so you'd never have to see yourself again
well you'll never have to see yourself again
just a memory of everything i knew
everything that ever mattered to you
and nothing ever did

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because
just because, just because


------

i'm so damn depressing. sorry.

& this too

i will take all i can and give nothing back
so forget me because this is nothing but an act

-----the end.

oh it's nothing

i know nothing about things like this
but i don't want it to end this way.

could you forgive me?
-------

Colorado in a few days! Can you say psyched?!
I'm a little nervous for the altitude though, but I figure I can handle it.

i should be sleeping

Does what one do in high school correlate at all to what they end up doing/existing as/being?

Because, theoretically, anyone could become whatever they wanted no matter what they did in high school. Which I am proud to be half-way done with.

The world is such a fuck-up. We're wasting our resources, swindling oil and charging billions a barrel. Oh, people are dying and politicians are lying, but what does anyone care? Caught up in the microcosms of their own life, which if applied to the real world exist in strange parallels. If you know what I mean.

Interestingly, and I've shared this with many people, the acronym for Global War on Terror is GWOT. Also pronounce jee-waht. There is a certain word that means religious war in Islam, jihad (jee-hahd). You might not see it, but those words are strangely close.

The Global War on Terror is a farce. I'm such a liberal.

fakes fakes fakes

see the plastic sun
shining down so real so bright
it's all a lie, we all are lies
carefully crafted, well working disguises.
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is nothing but a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we all can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes
all these stereotypes surround
let's just listen to them, listen to them
point and stare into the crowd
pretend we know you, we've never met you
we're gonna judge you, discriminate you, segregate you
group by group
because we have nothing better to do
there is no such thing as peace
humans have clearly shown
fighting over problems so meaningless and well-known
where else can we go?
we judge and judge and judge
then wonder why people hate
stereotype and stereotype
wonder why people still discriminate
there is nothing in this world (country) that is free
not even your speech
oh where war is more important than the homefront
let's start some protests and do something good
there is nothing to say that hasn't already been said
this war on terror is only an acronym
and freedom is our latest sin, our latest sin
careless less and misguided this world isn't kind-less
just misled, by all the things our leaders have said
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is just a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes

------

forgive the essay.

give me feeling

i feel like a wreck. i don't know why. there's no good reason. school is practically over except for an exam in health and an assignment in jazz band.

i'm just anxious. incredibly anxious. i really don't know what's going on. i sort of gave up my livejournal, i like this better. practically no one sees this at least. no one really saw my lj either though. just kara and michaela and michaela. =/
i'm sick of just being here sort of. i feel like i need to do something, take action but i really don't know what for or why. i'm not really in the right mood for writing right now, and i should be copying my brochure in pen (for jazz band) but i'm too hyped up. i'm not looking forward to my health exam because i lost the review sheet and now am going to have to borrow someone's like 5 seconds before the exam begins to memorize the muscles and the bones. the bones shouldn't be hard, but the muscles...agh.
i miss classes being interesting and engaging. shouldn't school be like that? i miss being able to write decent poetry and crap too. i have the emotions but not the words. sometimes less than that even. it's depressing.
i've given up capitalizing things. pretty much, if i don't have to i don't. i think i should transfer it into my handwriting to, so teachers can get pissed at me when i hand written work in. that sounds fun.
i miss caring about a lot of things that i should care for, when i care far too much for things i shouldn't. i'm still trying to please people way to much, to live up to their expectations. act how they think i should act. i'm just so scared of not being accepted i guess. which is a little ridiculous because right now i'm pretty sure i have more friends who would be willing to spend time with me than ever. but i just can't shake the feeling that they'll all leave and i'll be left alone.
so that's the first time i've put down those fears in a while. and the first in this blog. now i don't feel anxious, just nervous and sad. i'm not sure whether it's an improvement.

oh this is a disease

it's too late for crying
all the mourners have gone home
i'm listening to you sighing
this grave feels like my own
i'm sick of you telling me
'this is the way things should be'
i'm sick of you telling me
'i'm sorry, i have to leave'
good-bye

the piano was playing a melody
of sadness and despair
last time i saw you there
the last time i tried to care

tapping on the keys
white and black white and black
the night was freezing cold,
and you never looked back
(i was hoping you'd look back)

forget me i was crying
forgive me i was lying
about everything
about you
this world is getting colder
as we grow older in each passing moment
i'm not sure why i tried

agh.

I feel far too stressed right now. I guess it's a combination of a cold/allergies, lack of sleep, approaching exams and stuff. But really. School's almost over I should not be this ridiculously stressed feeling.
I hate scheduling stuff for next year, because the classes I want are never where I want them to be. Today I was shunted out of Modern Euro AP because there isn't another Physics I Honors class 1st semester and I need physics to take AP Biology 2. I could have taken normal physics instead of taking consumer ec. and musical theatre (which I'm still not sure what that exactly is) but I don't want to be in a college prep (the normal level) class. On the other hand, the main reason there aren't that many Physics honors classes is because my grade was instructed to take Chemistry after Conceptual Physics rather than Biology, which used to be taken after freshman science, or in some cases as a freshman. Conceptual Physics was new for freshman when I entered high school I think. Regardless, the main problem is that now all the honors students who took Chem Honors this year, are now taking Bio Honors next year instead of Physics, creating less of a need for Physics Honors classes. And effectively forcing me to give up Modern Euro AP until senior year, which will only keep me from taking another class that I might have wanted.
For the record, Biology is listed as a prerequisite for Chemistry on the class listing online (yet a good portion of my class will be taking Biology next year, after completing Chem I).
Agh. =/

those words-they meant everything to me,
too bad they meant nothing to you
so laugh tell me all that's gone wrong
there is nothing left to see
everyone is packing up and leaving
you can take the last train home
but this city is all i know
i won't be leaving here now
and the train is pulling away from the station
then disappearing into the sun so far away
---------

i gave up before writing anything else. =/

well

I just don't know.
It's so ridiculous how everything matters so much right now.
But it won't in a few years.
It won't months from now, perhaps.
But right now, at this very moment, it's all I have.
I hate that.
And I stress over all these things
that will fall apart and break,
corode away like rust over time
and i might be fine someday


agh. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm so worried and stressed and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this nervous tension that is running through my brain I just can't deal. I'm going. Gone.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die

I hear cellos too.

There is so much I could say, but that sums up what I feel like. If you have not read the wonderful book by David Crowder and Mike Hogan that is the title of this post, I strongly recommend it. And apologies to the authors of said book for sort of but not really citing their book as the source for the cello thing.

for the record

First Day of My Life isn't my favorite Bright Eyes song, but it seemed (and still does to an extent) appropriate.

yo!

this thursday (may 1st)= the almost
sweetness!
may 11 = ap exam
not so sweetness!
may 12 = jen's b-day party
sweetness!

and some other sweet stuff. i'm happy.

anxiety =/

I'm nervous. Not for anything specific, but a general nervousness. As if something is going to give soon. An anticipation of an unpleasant event. I know an unpleasant event in my future, but it's not the type to give me this churning pit in my stomach. I don't like it. =|

long time no see

So, it's friday (almost saturday), two more days of vacation left. Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to webster theatre in Hartford, to see Cute is What We Aim For, As Tall as Lions, Envy on the Coast, and Circa Survive (AP Tour). I'm super excited!
I have refound my love for the faint. (My about me is from Violent by the Faint.) And I'm very upset at Virb.com's slow speeds today. Not loading artist's music or videos (I really wanted to see Confines by PlayRadioPlay!) That was sad. Though Virb is quite fun. That's all the news I have.

Slight interlude:
Here's the music video for the name of my blog (by Bright Eyes, who else?), the lyrics are below if you'd like to look. (I love looking at lyrics.)



First Day Of My Life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

!

Well, the report card was not taken badly. It could've been worse though. I'm going to my cousin's senior exhibition tonight too! So that's good. Today has been pretty good. I still have about a million questions to answer as an analysis of a short story (Miriam by Truman Capote) and a short speech to write/formulate, but I'll manage.

Things are looking up. For a little anyway.

baddd

I'm in like the worst mood. Honestly today is not making me look forward to tomorrow. I don't want to do my english homework. I don't want to study for Italian. I don't want to worry about my impending trip upstate that was moved a day ahead due to certain circumstances. I don't want to be yelled at for the B- I have on my report card. Or for my health grade which I know is gonna suck (for the record, it is totally not my fault)! !!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$! $@!#* *%?!
mess mess mess mess

today is not helping me at all

life is literally falling apart

the only good thing is my new haircut

but honestly that's not going to make life better

i still have a billion questions to answer

and a speech to formulate

and all this shit that's never going to get done because i'm too lazy to bother and too worried and aggravated to concentrate on it and my brother's in the next room playing guitar hero without a care in the world and i'm stressing because i don't think i can handle being criticized for anything right now much less being yelled at for having a not awesome report card. biggest run on ever.

PBGRs =(

I'm going to use this post to vent against PBGRs, which if you didn't know are Proficiency Based Graduation Requirements. By the end of my high school career I need to have 48 of these rubrics with the works that go with them in an e-portfolio or I will not graduate.
Most students are unhappy with these requirements (in the form of rubrics) and I think that many adults think that this negative response is due to us (as teenagers) just not wanting to do more work. However, PBGRs are a flawed system and actual points can be made against them. Not only is it often difficult to get rubrics, I'm not sure that everyone even knows which rubrics are required. I definitely don't. This system put a lot of pressure on the students to know what is needed, and in some cases to find work that fits the requirements. I realize that this helps us think for ourselves (the school won't aways be there), but when you're already struggling with a schedule full of honors and extracurriculars it's difficult to do this. In addition, uploading PBGRs into the e-portfolio is often difficult. The main time students from my school have a chance is during their advisory block, every Wednesday, for about 40 minutes. Once a piece of work is on the computer it then has to be attached to an assignment in your e-portfolio. This is the teacher's job, they have to post assignments. I have two rubrics from English this year that are proficient. I uploaded one, went to the site, and proceeded to give up. There was nothing I could do.

I'm sick of writing about these unreasonable requirements, maybe there will be more on the continueing saga of the PBGRs, but for now it's done.

I realize my writing is ineloquent and poorly worded. To learn more [and see much better sentence structure and vocabulary] I suggest this blog: It's Our Education

first

mascara tears
you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at your mascara tears
dripping down your face

tight tight tight
clothing
hugging that androgynous body
tightly tightly tightly

do you feel like a clone
looking like those other teens
waiting for a chance
to make it big like jeffree star

is that who you are
do you wanna be a star?
is that who you are
faker faker faker

or are you real and complete
is this all you want to be
is the club beat all you need
scream scream scream

you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at those mascara tears
running down your white white face

look at you in this place
you've said the words you can't erase
with the mascara tears running down your face
but we'll tell you what you want to hear

tonight.


...:::///|||\\\:::...

riot in the streets

forgive me for not forgiving you
no i never loved you
don't tell me I'm lying
don't tell me I'm lying
don't don't don't
i was never perfect
but always the perfectionist
you always said
'hey who cares anyway'
not you.
i never knew what love is
still doubt i do now
trust trust trust
is a weakness
forgiving
is a fallacy
forgetting
is beyond me
loving
is an unknown
it's not you it's me
reverberating through my head
yeah right, yeah right
like i'd believe you this time
shut up shut up
don't tell me your words of deceit
it's nothing, they're nothing
you're nothing.

=0

ew double post

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

=]

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

ick.

If there's one thing I hate, it's portrayal of loss of innocence in writing. A main factor in an essay I recently wrote dealing with The Catcher In The Rye, loss of innocence sucks. It's a depressing topic, and shows how depraved our world is as children lose their naivety earlier and earlier. Though some may say that this is not a bad thing, it's horrible. Horrible.

convert to puritanism

even if there's something to believe in i don't care at all
beyond caring
just hope hope hope
to end it all
to take that final fall
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life now
no regrets now, find happiness
was everything a waste then?
is everything now lost?
is there reason to this madness
so easily sought
brace yourself for the truth
realize everyone lies
there isn't a person
without a secret to hide
suggest the solution
but not the answer to the problem
remember all the tears
but none of laughter
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life
no regrets, find happiness
is this the way to go
out out out
to have the final fall
to have the final shout
is this the way to go
out out out
there's so much left
there's so much time
and it's running out
leaving isn't justifiable
the reasons aren't reliable
there's only this
only this now
all these consequences of common sense
all these choices of consciousness
there's only this left


6/23 - some of these lines are practically from rent, i've only seen parts of the movie and never seen the play, so it was unintentional.

save me from english

letter green i love you