another teenage heartthrob
another teenage lost cause
what is wrong with the world?
something's wrong with all these boys and girls
can we help it? the world's so messed up
adults so stressed up-
can we say what's wrong
can we know what's going on
the problem's in us
the problem's with us
we can't stop
going forward-going forward
never backwards-opening new doors
unfinished. wrote it in class.
dont remind me of
all the things
that i wish
i could be
what once was
is not now
what once was
is impossible to take back
what was said i regret
what was done i forget
you and i
changed that day
i never see you anymore
all alone
on a street corner
you wait by the buildings
and you stay and you stay
while the night gets dark
and you're walking away
i arrive
much too late
no explanations
can change fate
and i lose all i've lost
to this day
i've never regained
what i've done
and it's regret
not joy that fills these eyes
with tears tonight
on the anniversary of all that once was
all that i've done wrong
you used to smile
used to forgive
everything i ever did
and i know i wasn't nice
mean but fragile would suffice
not broken but still cracked
life is like that
you waited all alone
on that street corner that night
by the buildings
you stayed and stayed
as it grew dark
and then you walked away
i arrived much too late
to save you from that fate
and i lost all i had
to this day never regained
and all i can say is sorry
and that i regret the mistakes
that took you away from me
so that's that
not much more to say i suppose
later i'm gonna post something i wrote in class
it's not finished because the teacher started
saying something that i probably didn't need
to listen to but did.
i can't help but wonder if what i write
is like the taking back sunday lyrics i was listening too:
"those words at best
were worse than teenage poetry
fragment ideas
and too many pronouns"
a mess
and i should be sleeping
sleeping off the sadness
sleeping off the waste of my life
yeah that's right.
it's all true.
it's all very very true.
i just wish i knew
someone who could tell it.
but there's no truth left
no truth to the lies
no truth to this life
walking contradiction
wish i knew what that was
wish i knew who i was
who i am. i dont care.
who could care now
i'm a mess now
mess
race of your life
time races races races
faster faster than we can keep up
than we can keep up
we're slowing down slowing down
and so out of breath
(when will we catch our breath?)
no respite from the feeling
no respite from the emotion
it's all going down the drain
we're all going down the drain
back to the drawing board
we remember what once was
what it is now can we tell
how can we tell
time races faster faster
we can't keep up
we can't keep up the pace
we need a pacer
not another racer to pass us up
we're losing ground
slower and slower till
we're underground
no longer out of breath
we can finally rest
but it's not for us
death ignores us
so we race race race
'till our dooming final day
'till that gloomy final day
may we find respite
hmm...idk if it's any good, but it feels good to be writing again.
i feel like crap
not physically though.
the speakers on my computer have gone awol.
well actually the sound has.
headphones won't work either.
i have no idea what the cause of this phenomenon is.
[nothing is muted thankyouverymuch]
though i'm a little worried that itunes is involved.
either way. unhappy. no music.
the song i love that i put on my myspace won't play.
itunes wont open. (i exited it earlier because it was being stupid)
carlos mencia is ridiculously funny.
I feel so strange. And detached. I went on a run today, and I didn't feel like going my normal route. So I took a right where normally I would take a left, and got somewhat lost. I ran for an hour and 2 minutes. I had some aches at the beginning and at 30 minutes when my legs thought I was done, but other than that...nothing. salkhjgd I don't know how to explain what I want to say. It's killing me. Not literally thank god. But it's just this feeling as if something has gone wrong. Something is not right. I am not right. It cannot be helped however. And I can't find the right music to help me feel better or more like me. I'm not happy, sad, apathetic or any emotion. Well...not an emotion I can think of. Unless confused counts, but I think that's more of a state of mind. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I like facts and clean cuts. My run today was good because it was a break from that. I don't like knowing where I'm running or how long it is or how long it should take because that knowledge sucks. HATE HATE HATE. That's an answer to that. Not what I'm feeling but what I feel of knowing how long something should take and then being slower. RAGE RAGE RAGE. That's the answer. ANGER ANGER. Coursing through my veins wanting to be let out. Wanting to destroy. BREAK BREAK BREAK something beautiful. Like fight club. My favorite book. AWESOME. anger anger anger...consuming me. I don't express my anger a lot. I think I have a lot of pent up rage, but...I could be wrong. I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist. I want to punch my keyboard to bits. Gone. Now.
Emotion
I'm back here again.
To say what I've said
A million times before,
It's not you, it's me-
Oh who am I kidding?
I lose all of the feeling,
All of my nerve
I fall down the stairs
And crash into the wall
Punch through the pavement
I don't think I can walk
Far enough away
To forget all I've done
To forget it-forget it
'Cause I've missed what I've had
But I've felt no regret
There are so many stories
But not one is sincerely true
And every day I remember
Everything I thought
That it would last forever
That we never would stop
And I go and ruin things
Again and again
Like there's nothing to it
I repeat the same words
As the melodies collide
I have no feeling, no love, no lies.
I don't feel the tears I see in your eyes
I'm nothing, nothing.
I leave not knowing,
Where I'm gonna go
Without any sense of perspective.
And I lose all my feeling
Lose all my nerve
Fall down the stairs
And crash into the wall
Punch through the pavement
And try to find what I'm looking for.
...:::///|||\\\:::...
A little Bright Eyes inspired, I don't know if you can tell. Bright Eyes is wonderful. It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. =/ Whatever that means. I'm a little depressed I suppose. But nothing major. I went surfing today, the waves would have been good but the wind was onshore and it was pretty choppy. Unfortunately. But otherwise it was fun. =]
is now my favorite book. ever. i just really connected with all of it. it amazed me. tyler durden is my hero. i don't really like to fight. i'm not a person who gets into fights. but i can understand the need to destroy. i would like to destroy people sometimes. sometimes i would like to be beaten up. the book just makes so much sense to me.
I'm watching my feelings walk away
They said goodbye They say goodbye
I'm done with all the drama
I'm sick of all the lies
Pass down another sunset
Pass out onto my bed
Wake up to hear the birds chirp
Melodies in my head
Step out and watch the sun rise
Step out and watch the clouds come
Another day has begun again
Again again
Wish away the lifetimes
They all were too much
It all was too much to remember
I never remembered all the words
You said in each verse
Trying to make me stay back there
With you
And I got lost in an alleyway
Trying to get home
I never found the way that night
I trace the clouds in the sky
As secrets that might hide
The answers that I really want to know
That I really want to know
Pass down another sunset
Pass out onto my bed
Wake up with the sunrise
Wake up to see sunny skies again
Again again.
I need something to do. So I would write but it requires leaving my computer. So I'm doing this. I went to the beach today for the first time in foreverrr. It was pretty fun. I'm making a playlist on itunes for my mood instead.
So...I haven't blogged in forever. For the past 26/27 days I've been up in Maine at a camp. Without computer access or my music. It was heartbreaking. But I traveled the Allagash River and completed the Mud Pond Carry as part of the first group from Camp Wavus (for Girls).
It was definetely one of the best experiences of my rather short life. I am no longer afraid of the outdoors and want to come back as a counsuler for sure. I did acquire a healthy fear of moose though, as we saw 24.
On our last day we rafted down the East Branch of the Penobscot which was incredibly fun (class 4 + 5 rapids).
It was just an overall amazing experience and though I'm happy to be home I miss my cabin incredibly and just being at camp. It was a 15 day trip so we were away for the longest of the whole camp (we were also the oldest). 24/7 for 15 days with my counsulers and my cabin made us majorly close.
I didn't really have a lot of time to write at all. So no poems or anything. If it's possible I was a lot more happy at camp then I am now. I just have so much time to dwell on everything that it's really killing my mood. =[
So I'm blogging because I want to talk to someone I know but am not wicked good friends with and I'm bad with words so I won't because I'll say something wrong and mess up what is and feel worse.
Agh. I'm a mess. I thought I was better than this. And I'm not. I'm slowly killing off all the good in my life. I don't know why. WHY?
Sarah -- [adjective]: Pretentiously academian 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
Questions
Tell me that we'll chase across the sky
For the day that we will never lie
Something always hurts
But together we'll find the questions to our answers
We can't promise nothing will hurt
Or that a dog won't die at
The end of our story
But we can hope to find
What we're looking for
Hold my hand
Don't tell me that I'm wrong
You know we keep
Our hopes close to the surface
Wishing our lives away
Make me a memory
You keep by your side
That you'll look at the clouds
And see a day that passed by
And we search for the questions to our answers
In the sky full of stars
As we lay in the dark
Waiting for a spaceship in the hope
That someone somewhere wants us for us
Maybe we'll be ubducted
By aliens so futuristic and green
What a scene-what a scene
It would be, as we come back
Spouting off nonsense-no one would believe
But we would know better.
We can't promise that nothing will hurt,
Or that a dog won't die
At the end of our story
But we can hope to find
What we're looking for
Tell me we'll chase across the sky
For the day we will never lie
Something always goes wrong
But someday we'll find the questions to our answers
We can hope
We can hope
i think i like it
Can someone please tell me that I mean something? That maybe, I'm not as useless as I feel so much. That sometimes, I make people smile and they care about me...I just feel like a waste today. Just completely useless. Depressed I guess. I had ccd, which is always a bundle of joy. Of course. So I have to start going to church every week in June. Which completely sucks, because pretty much I'm the least religious person I know (except for a few atheists)...I mean, I barely believe in God. How catholic is that? Religions are just a way to make people feel like there's a reason that they're here. And sure, higher power and what not would be interesting in theory. But frankly, I don't like worshipping someone I've never met. And then I wouldn't want to worship them, because they'd probably be disappointing in person. Wow, I suck at being any bit religious. I'm going to hell. Haha. Yeah, so maybe since I'm getting confirmed next year, I'll somehow find the importance of God and Jesus and a religion in my life. Maybe. I doubt it.
| > WARNING |
| Sarah J is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times. |
I think I just want to mess something up really bad. I don't know why, but destruction seems absolutely beautiful to me right now. Just to see something shatter into tiny little pieces too small to reconfigure into the original shape, too small to know what the object was. It sounds wonderful right now. It would look amazing and sound destructive and I would feel better and everything would be better. Just a little destruction. Just a little chaos. I just want to fuck something up. I couldn't say why.
So the show tonight (which was for charity) was shutdown because of some idiotic fire code. So that wasn't fun. But I bought a sweet Verbana Darvell t-shirt. So it's a little compensating, but I don't know the name of the last band that played (they got to finish their set before we had to clear out). And I liked them too. Oh well.
So I managed to basically totally change how my blog looks. It's kind of messy, but I'm not wonderful at html and basically just changed the links to my own pictures. Which I made on paint (gotta love that program). Anyway, that's about it. =]
...and sometimes I think about one person for hours, just because of one line taken in a certain context means something to me. And I hate making something out of nothing cause I'm setting myself up for a fall. I'm finding it hard to ignore, but I don't want to be wrong. As unlikely as what I want might be. So I'm pretty, confused I guess, depressed perhaps, in a sense. Life is just so bland these days, and I'm no less than apathetic. So maybe I'm not helping in things, but neither is anything else. I can barely stand the people I'm forced into contact with every day through a wonderful thing called school [note the sarcasm]. Certainly, there are people who I don't mind, quite a few in fact, but everyone else? They grate on my nerves. And then there are people I wouldn't mind seeing but never do, and haven't in a while. Including the person who's on my mind. But I was never rational anyway. So why should I start?
Common courtesy
don't ask, don't tell.
The lies you say
Are the secrets we sell.
And it makes no difference
Whether you find out.
You'll never close your mouth,
You'll always shout it out.
It's not like it's true.
No one cares, but you.
You're being used.
But we don't abuse it,
The privilege of a million lies,
Worth more than a diamond mine or two.
Worth less than what they're worth to you.
So I was a little bored. As I just wrote that. I don't have homework. So I don't really care.
-Sarah J
if looks could kill you'd be a murderer
so incredibly bored! so this is what i'm doing: quizzes.You Should Be a Song Writer
You have the ability to evoke emotion, tell a story, and hook someone...
In a very small amount of words, perhaps with some deft rhyming.
Even if you can't write music, you can sure write compelling lyrics.
Lyrics so good, people will have them stuck in their heads!
| You Belong in Paris |
 You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe. |
| Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating |
 You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility. |
| Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC |
 "Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last! |
| You Are an Emo Rocker! |
 Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing. That doesn't mean you don't rock out... You just rock out with meaning. For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding. |
| Your Famous Last Words Will Be: |
 "I dunno, press the button and find out." |
it doesn't even have a name 'kay? But here it goes:
So I'm filled
with regrets
and a little
depressed I've
got life on
my mind again
I've got my
shredded heart
thinking that I'll
never love again
'Cause nothing could
compare, no
nothing could
come near you.
And I laugh at
myself 'cause I
am a waste of
wasted space and
I can't keep
my mind on what
I'm supposed
to be thinking
My broken hearts
Aching I feel
like sinking into
nothing. And
all because
I saw you again.
Now imagine that, spelling, line structure and all, written messily on a one and a half inch wide space of paper, and you get what it looked like.
This is what I liked out of the poem I wrote today
What it started out of:
I bid you adieu
As you put on your shoes
Another night of bliss
We've got to stop meeting like this.
But with your kiss
Lingering on my lips,
I can't say I mind.
It kind of went on for some more, but thats what I liked of it. It got into my head this morning so I wrote it down. I have to say that I do like it. =]
And this is the quote I found today that I now LOVE:Age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress,
And as the evening twilight fades away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
So today was good, and I don't have any homework this weekend, so life is good as well. And I have someone on my mind, but I'm not sure why.
I wish you well in your endeavors.
Sarah J<3
