i bought enigmatic heart's ep and so should you.

i'm bored.
i'm so excited for january 20th.
and the end of february, around the 23rd i think.
it's going to be excellent.
i love the word excellent, seriously.

oh i went to swim practice this morning and didn't really do much, but amanda was working with a little kid on his freestyle, and our coach came up and he was like "your mom says you can stay another hour, do you want to?" (obviously, he was going to leave, he was really little) and he was like "i want to stay."

that was super.

sing

every day is a blank page
watch me rearrange the world
i can try, i can try
every moment a blank slate

let me make a change,
i can try, i can try
every sound in my mind
out loud, in rhyme

wipe away tears,
come on and care,
a rainbow of color, in every smile
i can try, i can try

everyday is a blank page
watch me make change
i can try, i can try
i can try, i can try
i can try.

---

Everyone can make a difference. Simple things are worth as much as anything else.

mm.

music: bulls make money, bears make money, pigs get slaughtered - chiodos


come on and hold me still

i'm a creep.

christmas!

Christmas has come and gone, and Santa (aka my parents) was good to me this year. =] Among other things I got a sweet mug, that has the Earth on it. And when you put coffee or whatever in it, the ice caps melt and the Earth starts to disappear! Sick, right?

Anyway, I spent some time visiting my cousins in New Jersey, and then in New York. NJ is where most of my Dad's family lives, while upstate NY is my mom's. On my dad's side there isn't anyone near my age. But my cousin's son Nick is so cute. He has the same birthday as me, which is pretty sweet.



So that was good, he got a light saber for Christmas from someone, maybe my family, and this is what he told me: "You have to be fast on your feet to be a jedi master!" He's 5. And I just made myself really sad. Oops. =/
But that visit was good. My aunt Ronnie was there for the first time in years, which means that whenever someone opens something they need to stop and show her, and explain if applicable.

In New York, we arrived Christmas Eve, no one was there. Christmas day, my brother and I sat around the house waiting for everyone to arrive. See, they were at home opening their presents. Yippee. There was no wireless internet without a password around either, so I couldn't get on the internet. =(

That evening I saw Superbad though, finally. It was decent. Maybe a little better than decent, but I just sort of hate movies I think if they're not animated. It really varies. Then yesterday I went to the movies with my cousins. We saw Walk Hard, and it was sort of disappointing. Oh well. I got a cute bag from my cousin, or technically my aunt, from a craft fair or something at URI when she went to visit. It was a rice bag originally, now it's this:


Anyway, to wrap it up, tonight I saw the Simpson's Movie and it was good as far as I'm concerned. I sort of love Bone Palace Ballet right now, it's excellent.

I'm off to watch Law & Order: CI. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! =]

today was a good day for blogging

Beyond the Moon

In the rain, you lied
I know.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.
I gave up this.
You wanted to leave.
Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.

Go, I know
You will not stay
Beyond the sun, the clouds I cannot see
Reality is beyond me.
And so, we part,
I know I have an empty heart.
There is no pain, no loss
Every song is a breaking heart
But mine is fine.

The wind is howling.
Trees bend in the breeze.
Do you know your limits?
I call and you seize.
Still, still, still.
Still, still, still.
Stiff as a brick,
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
So we call into the night.

Blasting beats, heavy drum beats.
Pound through your ears.
Moving in time.
We are so alive.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.

Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.


----
I need to learn how to not overanalyze things. =/ And deal.
Oh well.

i'm boring

plastic. i have a big nose. sweet.

everything will end someday

Is it weird that I could make a long list of things i like? Or that I can try to describe myself in paragraphs that I don't know are true? Because I've never met myself. I have no understanding of how my actions are viewed by other people. On a small scale, people's reactions can tell me that, but really I don't know.
I feel like people describing themselves is somewhat of an impossible thing. You get to know people by talking and acting with them, not by reading lists of their favorite things and what they think of themselves and how they act. It's not real. Not most of the time anyway. People can easily convey their own desires, I suppose, and that can in turn, tell you a lot about a person. But really, talking is probably the best way.
This is my brief rant on why the internet is so shallow and superficial. Except for the fact that I found a friend on it. I'm a hypocrite just about 24/7 it seems at times. But I digress.

---
I think I'm going to see Cobra Starship w/Metro Station, We the Kings and the Cab in January! Yippee! So that's exciting.
Plus, I got a macbook today. Excellence.
It's really a mixed bag that I'm never home on Christmas. On one hand, I get to open my presents early, on the other, I'm never home on Christmas, and as such never get to open presents on Christmas morning. Maybe that doesn't make sense... But it does to me.

this makes me feel like this: =S

there are one too many days left 'till it's summer and we're at rest
sands dripping slowly through that hourglass;
another hour, my mind's not on class
the bell rings and you hear screams, it's a joy to be back home
i've missed these simple things, school bells and vacations
off galavanting, looking for what i couldn't find back here
turns out what i couldn't find, was hiding right before my very eyes
i've never known what love is, will you teach me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
escaping algebra with heart strewn across my paper,
can't concentrate with your words running through my head
i used to wish for anywhere but here,
now it's anywhere you're near
infatuation, but it's more, something i've not felt before
i've never know what love is, will you show me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
well i can't believe my luck, my feelings are all running amuck
and now I know, now I know, now I know what I couldn't find
was love.

--short.

i like this, sort of. but it makes me feel like chan. =/ not half as sappy, but still. ew.

stupid

so everything adds up
to something we can't trust?
trying to understand
what can't be held in our hands.
there is pride in the past
what you've done? it won't last.
we are pessimists at heart
throwing away what we're given
pushing away those trying to save us
the only saving I need,
is from myself
let's go, I know it's not my problem
you've got that smile on
that says you're better than me
well maybe you're complete
but if you're not careful
you're going to be broken
this isn't my problem, i know
so let's go
we're leaving this party
and splitting this scene
[as we should be]

progress/regress?

i'm on an underoath binge. everything i have by them on shuffle. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, except procrastinating. i am up too late. i am ending this.

forward, not back

there is sadness in your smile
that wasn't there before
i know it will take a while
there was nothing more we could've done
you hold onto the ones you love
as you should,
we can quote death cab
and we can cry
there is nothing we can say
but we can try to heal
yeah we can heal
the past is the past, you can't have it back
we knew this was coming
but we never truly knew what it would mean
and so it seems
that we need to try
to get our lives together
and remember what there is to remember
never forget this past,
but move forward, not back
it's sad but let's move on
all hope isn't gone
all things will come to pass
even if some come too fast
i know that it is hard,
you're not alone remember that
please remember that
i'm trying to get to you
it's all that i feel i can do
everything will come together
everything will get better
time will heal these open wounds
things will not seem so bad
i know that you still are sad
and so am i,
we have to try to heal
through tears and pain
it will be alright
and we will move on
put our lives together
remember what there is to remember
never forget the past,
and move forward, not back.


__________

=|

i hate this time of night.

i have so much to say
to everyone i know, everything i feel
i feel so much
and if i said, everything i could
where would i be?
would you still like me?
because i do not know
and fear fills me up inside
this is dread--i cannot hide
there is no escaping my own mind
and i want to talk about it
my fear comes from the very thing
i want to say this and that
i take things to seriously
i over interpret everything
i want you to love me for me
i don't know where these words come from
tears are falling from my eyes
i am sick of not knowing what to say
when all the words in my head are arranged
forming sentences and words
that you would hear, you could hear
if i told you...
but i am filled with fear
your voice is so near
i am overwhelmed
i am overwhelmed
keep talking so i do not have to speak
i fear this moment,
will i be well received?
i want to know how you will respond
to what i say before i say it.
and then i could tailor my words
to the reaction i want
not have this dread, that keeps me from saying everything
i over think everything,
take in attention, i just want affection
i don't know where I'm going with this
i have so much to say
to everyone i know, every though in my mind
i could talk for days, trying to explain
i would never finish
but I'm scared, how would it fair?
i am filled with fear--i cannot hide
there is no escaping, this is my mind
forgive me i babble,
I'm trying not to hit anything too important
while I'm talking,
in case anything should slip
that i would rather not be heard
because i fear my words
would be taken the wrong way
you do not know. you do not know,
i have so much to say.

-------
I feel like shit.

ayyy

the best thing was said to me today:
"spandex are a privilege, not a right."
or something along those lines, by this kid i barely know whose name is Drew. amazingness fer sureee.

THIS IS NOT TRUE

you will come down soon too
you will come down too soon


i hate not knowing what to say, i hate silence. i hate the not knowing more. i'm sick of listening to my own voice. i'm sick of people listening to me. sing me a song and it will make everything all right. i just want everything to be all right. Maybe someday we will be. i miss happy endings. these things are never ending. we have gone too far to turn around. we have gone too far. i missed. this is not the time to say these words spilling from my mouth. nothing right has ever come out. i was trying to be hiding in my silence. i broke it, this is timeless. i promised to tell everything when the time is right. the time will never be right, you know. this is the best i have ever been. and the worst i have ever been. there is no inbetween, no happy medium. i lost everything and gained all i knew. one fell swoop. so cliche. how i never know the right words to say. there is no idea, no golden thought, that will allow me to continue on. i'm hanging on with all i've got. everything will be all right some time i pray. it's to much for me to say. silence suffocating me down. tieing me to the ground. static and immobile. these hopes are futile. there is no escape from the silence i've made. no escape from the sound. contradict everything, this is nothing but a dream. i've hoped to see it all. this is all i've seen. destruction and disaster. lies and laughter. hidden meaning i will never know. i am never told. we fight this war until we grow old and brittle. old and bitter. the hate corrodes our insides. rusted metal grating at our minds. leaving the past behind. we will all die.


-----
today was decent.

work = results, lazy = nothing

I should do something rather than procrastinate so much. Like learn the languages I love. Every single one of them. And get the scanner hooked up to the mac. Pen in my drawings. Read more. Do homework on time. Run all the time. Swim all the time. Everything I say I would like to do. It's stupid. But I never get anything done. Oh, and practice bass, which is becoming a reality. All-state will be the death of me. But it's something better than being boring.

Agh. I hate notes for modern euro and my inability to be productive while on a computer w/the internet. >0

there is no finale

we tried the best we could
i never knew what i knew i should
but everything is the past
the future is coming fast
these sounds fill me with emotions
i can not explain
no words to give a name
failing me for now
words & sounds at once
will you join me?
i know i am not the best
i know that i am a mess
i am giving you a chance, a choice
if i asked you, would you dance with me?
me and my two left feet?
oh, i'm always waiting for a 'no'
i don't know what to believe
people on tv, tell me things i need
i don't need you.
maybe i do. maybe i don't.
deciding things for me.
this world is beyond me
i am trailing behind, a relic,
lost in my own mind
is this for real?
i never knew what to feel, when
you said 'i love you'
it wasn't a conclusion, ever.
i miss you, never.
beginning at the ending,
i have no more problems,
there is no feeling in my words
the sounds i hear, filling the air
emotions i can't explain
while words fail me
and i shake shake shake
on my own, i am filled with feeling
this is nothing real
i can tell you this
i can't tell you this
there was never anything to miss
this is true
i watched everything and talked talked talked
to hear my voice and not hear silence
that would tell me the truths
i did not want to hear anything
but myself
because listening is so difficult
and every thought has a violent need
to be screamed
i hide and hide, silence can be my disguise
there is nothing to say
there is everything to say
i am not finished, i am not done
there is no finale.

ah ha!

So today, I'm walking/sprinting to my first class and see Kate A. who waves me over and points to her mouth were there is an amazing green lip ring. Unfortunately, it's not real, but it was incredibly cool. And I saw Kara and Kainoa on my run which was pretty swell. =0

I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I need to get cracking on that robot costume if that's what I want to be. I'll probably just put on ridiculous clothes and too much make-up and say I'm something random. It doesn't really matter. I swear I'm going to go trick-or-treating forever.

I want this shirt:

uh

So I have a small obsession with French bands. It's all good though.

let's see

I totally respect Radiohead. Their new cd can only be downloaded from their site. You choose the price. And that officially makes me feel far to guilty to try to download it without paying anything. The price is in UK pounds though. And a dollar is like .48 pounds. Which sort of sucks. But, oh well. Besides fixing our economy and national debt, there's not much I can do. ;)

buy me this.
(for girls though)
i will love you forever.

so i wrote something today

it rambles.

you can paint your face with the bad news
all things end much too soon
we'll never know for sure what's going on
but everyone loves a good fight
well we're fighting but what's the poit
w're living and nothing's the same
we're humans are we ever humane?
i wish i could say everything i wanted to
and not get ridiculed for being
so idealistic and naive, it's not
how i mean to be
but words sound better in my mind
than to my ears
every things changed out loud
there's a sound for every emotion i know
we try and hide it,
know one will know
this isn't real or reality
all these things mean nothing to me
we're fighting but there is no reason
we're humans yet not humane
our solutions create problems
we now have to fix
we're missing the point
there is no conclusion
these words are my war
i wish i could do something more
opportunity is what i'm askign ofr
these options are limited, but my feelings intense
emotions like a prism--every color
there's no solution, we are who we are
i just wihs i could say what i wanted to
and not be ridiculed for being idealistic and naive
it's not how i mean to be
everything sound better in my mind
i'm working on thinking how to make things more clear
but the ideas aren't adding up
and the solutions are not enough

a bay bay

i actually hate that song.

buttt, I may be posting on my lj again, fer realz. lawlz. =] hehe.
and i haven't written anything in forever, but words have been bouncing around my brain, I've been so busy. Not really busy enough to justify not writing down said words but whateverrr. =]

and i officially <3 switchfoot. they're lovely.

weeeeeee

the classic crime is awesome. =]

dude

Things are 1/2 good 1/2 bad. I'm sick of being so fucking melodramatic. So that's my mid-end of year resolution, to stop being so fucking melodramatic. And lighten up and work on my schoolwork because I take things way too seriously and need to get an A in modern euro. it was such a mistake to switch into that class. Whatever.

mood

I wish there were better describing words because what I feel like right now = anxious/worried/scared/nervous/terrified/numb/angry/depressed

shit.

how can you tell me those obvious lies with such a straight face?

----
I fucking need a new ipod. Now.

Everything is resolved with a sea breeze and watching the sun rise over the trees. Seeing the sky fill with every hue.

old stuff

Just stuff that was written a while ago . It's not very good and there are lines pretty much stolen from Conor Oberst...oh well.
-------

the words? they stumble around
speaking of things which i'd rather
not talk about
i tried it once, twice, and it's
never gonna happen again I'm afraid
Trust is impossible when people won't
Take your secrets to the grave
you can repeat all the lies
and give the apologies
I'm just gonna walk down the street
And hope I never see you again
Betrayal is nothing to take lightly
And I'm sick of forgiving so called friends
No one will be there 'til the end
Denial is worthless and selfish
How could I believe you would do this?
Always so trusting, I'm sick of me caring
EVERYTHING IS THE SAME

-----------

we were staring up at the clouds
wondering what would come around next
heard the future in our sleep
saw the world with a disease
watched cities crumble on tv
while no one ever heard of you or me

so hard to remember how this goes
as i watched you put on your clothes
where are we now, what time is it?
why do we still exist?

I never thought it'd take so long
And I always feel so alone
Somewhere we went wrong
Between the passing of a cloud and the sun coming out

Our past and future will never meet again
Goodbye, now I've said it again
Sometime this will end, sometime this will end
sometime we will all end

whispered promises, with hopes of happiness
this is always how life was
on the edge of lonliness, when we had no one else
and the future passed us by.

--------
Don't Try, We'll Just Leave
Hold your hand out, it's time to leave
This never was the right disease
The way things were we should have seen
Nothing is as it seems

Pour the wine and have a toast
What is it that you miss the most:
Curious kisses and roaming hands?
Eyes full of desire and loniliness?

This pity party is such a drag
You can never lose what you never had
Talk full of cliches and ungraceful words,
All the truth you had never heard

Walking straight to our graves
Who did you want to save:
The lover that you never loved?
The friend who was never good enough?

Inaction-you're gravest sin
You who never let anyone win
Crocodile tears fall from brown eyes,
You only weep from surprise.

--------------
Joy
Chasing circles around my head
What's to worst you could have said to me?
All the anger and the rage
Wine bottles flying through the air
The contents nicely aged leaving spectacular stains
Held by memories

So I say you're not alone
You say you'll never be whole
The tears in my eyes leaving shadows in my mind
While the door is swinging shut
And I'm left all undone

Which is worse, which is worse
Being left or never having anyone?
And while this perpetual heartache's amusing
These feelings are deceiving
I was never good at choosing
I want to learn everything you see.

And my mind fills with questions
None of them answered. I get up at dawn just to see the sunrise.
All the memories with meaning have faded
That's how it seems--I just want something to hold onto
As the sky fills up pinks and orange and blue
I'm filled with something which so long ago I knew
And now it seems that everything will resolve in the end.

---------
this one really sucks (i deleted some of the really sucky parts though)
we live the cleanest lives we can
volunteering and showers planned
walk along this clear white line
following plans made for our lives

it's been so long now and it's so dark
as we're sitting on a bench in the park
night noises and silence,
our breathing so violent.
I shiver at the sound, it is so dark now.

I laughed when you said you would never be free
I didn't know what you meant
Well this cage that we're in it's all
that we see, clawing at the bars
pretending we're happy
but it was never meant to be

i've been waiting all night for you to tell me
What's going on, but you've stayed as silent
as i've tried to be
And I still wonder what you meant
And if you see the same cage as me.

----------

I tried so hard
Yet everyone still saw the scars
That I always wanted to hide
Someday I'll be fine, I know
I'm always hoping to be found
When I'm lost in the city
Not looking where I am
The nights are so pretty
Even if I can't see the stars
I know that they're there
I hope someone cares as much as me
All the people with their friends
I've yet to make amends with mine,
for everything that happened last time.
I don't know if I could say,
'Things are better off this way'
But I can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone
Sometimes I try to find you
Where I think you'll be
I promise you'll never see me
You'd never want to, I wouldn't want to--
But as i watch the sunrise
Sitting on the beach
I know this isn't the end you
would have wanted for me
I don't know what you wanted from me
I just want to be alive
I do not want to die, anymore
not like i did before

--------

crash and burn, don't pretend
you'll never learn, you've done it again
this disaster is nothing more than you idea of
a good time
you should stop wasting my time
the weeks pass like seconds
i realize i still need you like i need air
it feels horrible
neck high in water that's only getting deeper
i know that i am wrong but you were
always my keeper--
things should have, could have, would have
been different, any other way
It's times like these when sleep is the only escape,
Until nightmares, of harsher years grate upon my mind
Reminding me time and time again why i don't need you
you who i long for, you are my air
I wish you were here

----------
This Future is Our Past
We watch the days fade away
Like our writing in the sand
The sounds of our demise
Filling our ears like a band
A soft and lonely silence settles over
This is the only time I regret
We laughed with innocence at all these feelings
Never expecting how these things would go
I'd give anything to know what you're feeling
But I would never ask and you would never let it show
Those emotions that fly on windy days like these
Watching those colors, simply drifting the breeze
We made promises before we knew what they were
There was nothing easier or free
Laying on the grass watch the clouds
pass overhead
Calling out shapes, remembering all we had said
There was nothing more simple than that
All we had was good times and laughs
The world was what we had
To do with what we wished
Laughter and happiness--there was only bliss
Now these times remind me of this
Only everything isn't the same
Laughter and happiness--it isn't yours or mine
A tale of destruction or a tale of the times?
I don't know. I do not know.
There was such confusion and all that fuss,
The world let us know that we had fucked up
Up until then it was nothing but youthful innocence
We knew not what we did
You said you needed time, well I needed time to think
There was a time when all these problems
Were solved with merely a drink
But no more.
We loved and we lost though we tried as well
as we knew how
this game was never explained and
it's over now
And we sit in silence by the sea
watching clouds pass in the breeze
there was nothing easier or free.

----------

There was nothing but innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
But I knew something was missing
You would have given the world
To just have known what I was thinking
You'd said it enough
You've said it so much
A penny for your thoughts?
The world for yours?
Our treasonous voices, humming vocal chords
A smile as bright as sunshine
Through the cold downpour
Every contradiction--I still wanted more
Drifting through the seasons
Now spring is in the air
Sh! Now be quiet, and tell me what you hear
Spin me a tale of truth and love--
One of those I need more of
There was only innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
I knew something was missing
Now ever day's a day
You could have had with out me
I didn't realize then what I'm now guilty of:
Wasting your time,
Just as you were a pleasant waste of mine.

...:::///|||\\\:::...

It's sort of a lot (it took long enough to type anyway) but it's about everything I've written recently. Tokyo Police Club is really awesome.

repeat.

Listen to these lies
This never ending pattern of replies
I've heard it before, heard nothing more
This constant insanity

It's always goodbye
Always the same old song
Always you've done wrong again.
All over again.

Wishing and dreaming that something could change
Something would change
It was never enough
There is never enough to work

And we say the words
as well rehearsed lines
Every emotion perfected and every look just right
All the stage cues performed at exactly the right time

All of this was never going to work
Better at fighting then getting along
From the beginning this was all wrong
This was never a good choice

So we repeat the words
So well rehearsed and familiar
It was always this way
And it is always the same
These fights will never go away.


---------

Everything I write is exactly the same. Except some of the earlier stuff when I was a fucking mess. I need to work on it.

boredom!

You Were Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

You can judge for yourself, but I think that description is surprisingly good. Except shining in social situations. No way.

You are 47% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

hahaha =O

oh no.

there is less than a week until school starts. =( ick.

jebediah the fish and the angry biker!

I copied this from Kara's lj , because this is what I did last night after going to Pizza Place then DQ with Kara, her mom and a bunch of other people that I could list but am not going to. It's pretty sweet (edit - i think it's sweet because i made it), and where it says 'Sarah', that's me.

Tonight at youth we created a story, of sorts.
(And by 'we', I'm mean Sarah and I. And I guess Jess contributed with the storyline a little. But mainly Sarah. I give her the credit.)
We found some little religious foam cutouts ("Jesus Pieces") in the cabinet at church and decided to do arts and crafts while listening to some Anberlin and a lil' Family Force 5.
Here's the rest...
Enjoy! (Or, don't. Because I'm not sure I would. Haha.)











He's rockin' the NSYNC tee shirt.



Fin.

----------------------Back to me.

If it's tough to read some things, sorry I had to make the pictures smaller so they would fit without being cut off. I'm off for a run!

joy.

All those false words of sympathy
Held up with melodies of misery
All I wanted was to not be forgotten.
But we forget.
Nothing more, nothing less.

----------

The facts compel this conclusion
Lies holding up an illusion of democracy
An illusion of idiocy--wait, that's real.

-------------

Are we strangers in a strange strange land?
never understanding all these worthless plans
waiting for answers but just standing around
the flowers looked beautiful but now they're dead
and the ground is cold

we lost our map ages ago
now wanderers lost on this empty plain
stragglers driving through the rain
don't know where we're going,
but we'll find out when we get there

----------------

nothing's making sense
these incoherent thoughts are a mess
i miss these ease with which i used to write
words flowing freely from a pen (keyboard)
and now it's this chopped up mess
going from fear of being forgotten
to democracy to wandering
i miss everything. =/

maybe

I'm not sure if I should write so much. It's a self-destructive habit at times. =/ But whatever. I ran through a cemetery today, it lets me dwell on our own mortality. =/ But no, cemeteries are really quiet, but I hate running by mausoleums, because they're creepy.

The end.

=/

uh. hey.

So I saw some of Little Miss Sunshine yesterday. Most of the end anyway. And it's funny, my cousin said she didn't get it at all that it was weird. It was weird, but that's the point. I told her it all boiled down to the little speech about life being a beauty pageant, which may or may not be true. But it's a good movie even if it is weird, it's sad and funny and sort of awful but not really. And it's a little like life, which is always a good thing. Though perhaps not. I'm not sure about anything, but I've done more this week after getting home then I did most of last summer after camp I'm pretty sure. =/

home again

I've returned from Colorado after an eventful shit-show of a trip, and while I'm happy to be home, as of yet, the company was more exciting back there.

Anyway, it feels good to be back, I'm working my way through Harry Potter and just hanging around, but I have to go call someone and learn how to sail spinnaker. =0

oh dear

this is the fourth post in the last few hours but the song "girl anachronism" by the dresden dolls pretty much completes me, although i don't feel out of this time period, just a mess.

tell me i'm wrong, please

the internal bleeding is not so obvious
as the bullet holes are
but regret is filling this heart
regret is nothing to me anymore
those pretty pictures, perfectly complementing
your perfect frame, your perfect face
shattered away now

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because

this was the end
this is the end
call 911 i think this is an emergency
but it's too late to save this kid
so constantly late, never ontime
always rushing in 'sorry, sorry'
sometimes it's fine but not now

the internal bleeding isn't as obvious
as the bullet holes are
but you broke all the mirrors
so you'd never have to see yourself again
well you'll never have to see yourself again
just a memory of everything i knew
everything that ever mattered to you
and nothing ever did

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because
just because, just because


------

i'm so damn depressing. sorry.

& this too

i will take all i can and give nothing back
so forget me because this is nothing but an act

-----the end.

oh it's nothing

i know nothing about things like this
but i don't want it to end this way.

could you forgive me?
-------

Colorado in a few days! Can you say psyched?!
I'm a little nervous for the altitude though, but I figure I can handle it.

i should be sleeping

Does what one do in high school correlate at all to what they end up doing/existing as/being?

Because, theoretically, anyone could become whatever they wanted no matter what they did in high school. Which I am proud to be half-way done with.

The world is such a fuck-up. We're wasting our resources, swindling oil and charging billions a barrel. Oh, people are dying and politicians are lying, but what does anyone care? Caught up in the microcosms of their own life, which if applied to the real world exist in strange parallels. If you know what I mean.

Interestingly, and I've shared this with many people, the acronym for Global War on Terror is GWOT. Also pronounce jee-waht. There is a certain word that means religious war in Islam, jihad (jee-hahd). You might not see it, but those words are strangely close.

The Global War on Terror is a farce. I'm such a liberal.

fakes fakes fakes

see the plastic sun
shining down so real so bright
it's all a lie, we all are lies
carefully crafted, well working disguises.
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is nothing but a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we all can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes
all these stereotypes surround
let's just listen to them, listen to them
point and stare into the crowd
pretend we know you, we've never met you
we're gonna judge you, discriminate you, segregate you
group by group
because we have nothing better to do
there is no such thing as peace
humans have clearly shown
fighting over problems so meaningless and well-known
where else can we go?
we judge and judge and judge
then wonder why people hate
stereotype and stereotype
wonder why people still discriminate
there is nothing in this world (country) that is free
not even your speech
oh where war is more important than the homefront
let's start some protests and do something good
there is nothing to say that hasn't already been said
this war on terror is only an acronym
and freedom is our latest sin, our latest sin
careless less and misguided this world isn't kind-less
just misled, by all the things our leaders have said
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is just a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes

------

forgive the essay.

give me feeling

i feel like a wreck. i don't know why. there's no good reason. school is practically over except for an exam in health and an assignment in jazz band.

i'm just anxious. incredibly anxious. i really don't know what's going on. i sort of gave up my livejournal, i like this better. practically no one sees this at least. no one really saw my lj either though. just kara and michaela and michaela. =/
i'm sick of just being here sort of. i feel like i need to do something, take action but i really don't know what for or why. i'm not really in the right mood for writing right now, and i should be copying my brochure in pen (for jazz band) but i'm too hyped up. i'm not looking forward to my health exam because i lost the review sheet and now am going to have to borrow someone's like 5 seconds before the exam begins to memorize the muscles and the bones. the bones shouldn't be hard, but the muscles...agh.
i miss classes being interesting and engaging. shouldn't school be like that? i miss being able to write decent poetry and crap too. i have the emotions but not the words. sometimes less than that even. it's depressing.
i've given up capitalizing things. pretty much, if i don't have to i don't. i think i should transfer it into my handwriting to, so teachers can get pissed at me when i hand written work in. that sounds fun.
i miss caring about a lot of things that i should care for, when i care far too much for things i shouldn't. i'm still trying to please people way to much, to live up to their expectations. act how they think i should act. i'm just so scared of not being accepted i guess. which is a little ridiculous because right now i'm pretty sure i have more friends who would be willing to spend time with me than ever. but i just can't shake the feeling that they'll all leave and i'll be left alone.
so that's the first time i've put down those fears in a while. and the first in this blog. now i don't feel anxious, just nervous and sad. i'm not sure whether it's an improvement.

oh this is a disease

it's too late for crying
all the mourners have gone home
i'm listening to you sighing
this grave feels like my own
i'm sick of you telling me
'this is the way things should be'
i'm sick of you telling me
'i'm sorry, i have to leave'
good-bye

the piano was playing a melody
of sadness and despair
last time i saw you there
the last time i tried to care

tapping on the keys
white and black white and black
the night was freezing cold,
and you never looked back
(i was hoping you'd look back)

forget me i was crying
forgive me i was lying
about everything
about you
this world is getting colder
as we grow older in each passing moment
i'm not sure why i tried

agh.

I feel far too stressed right now. I guess it's a combination of a cold/allergies, lack of sleep, approaching exams and stuff. But really. School's almost over I should not be this ridiculously stressed feeling.
I hate scheduling stuff for next year, because the classes I want are never where I want them to be. Today I was shunted out of Modern Euro AP because there isn't another Physics I Honors class 1st semester and I need physics to take AP Biology 2. I could have taken normal physics instead of taking consumer ec. and musical theatre (which I'm still not sure what that exactly is) but I don't want to be in a college prep (the normal level) class. On the other hand, the main reason there aren't that many Physics honors classes is because my grade was instructed to take Chemistry after Conceptual Physics rather than Biology, which used to be taken after freshman science, or in some cases as a freshman. Conceptual Physics was new for freshman when I entered high school I think. Regardless, the main problem is that now all the honors students who took Chem Honors this year, are now taking Bio Honors next year instead of Physics, creating less of a need for Physics Honors classes. And effectively forcing me to give up Modern Euro AP until senior year, which will only keep me from taking another class that I might have wanted.
For the record, Biology is listed as a prerequisite for Chemistry on the class listing online (yet a good portion of my class will be taking Biology next year, after completing Chem I).
Agh. =/

those words-they meant everything to me,
too bad they meant nothing to you
so laugh tell me all that's gone wrong
there is nothing left to see
everyone is packing up and leaving
you can take the last train home
but this city is all i know
i won't be leaving here now
and the train is pulling away from the station
then disappearing into the sun so far away
---------

i gave up before writing anything else. =/

well

I just don't know.
It's so ridiculous how everything matters so much right now.
But it won't in a few years.
It won't months from now, perhaps.
But right now, at this very moment, it's all I have.
I hate that.
And I stress over all these things
that will fall apart and break,
corode away like rust over time
and i might be fine someday


agh. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm so worried and stressed and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this nervous tension that is running through my brain I just can't deal. I'm going. Gone.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die

I hear cellos too.

There is so much I could say, but that sums up what I feel like. If you have not read the wonderful book by David Crowder and Mike Hogan that is the title of this post, I strongly recommend it. And apologies to the authors of said book for sort of but not really citing their book as the source for the cello thing.

for the record

First Day of My Life isn't my favorite Bright Eyes song, but it seemed (and still does to an extent) appropriate.

yo!

this thursday (may 1st)= the almost
sweetness!
may 11 = ap exam
not so sweetness!
may 12 = jen's b-day party
sweetness!

and some other sweet stuff. i'm happy.

anxiety =/

I'm nervous. Not for anything specific, but a general nervousness. As if something is going to give soon. An anticipation of an unpleasant event. I know an unpleasant event in my future, but it's not the type to give me this churning pit in my stomach. I don't like it. =|

long time no see

So, it's friday (almost saturday), two more days of vacation left. Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to webster theatre in Hartford, to see Cute is What We Aim For, As Tall as Lions, Envy on the Coast, and Circa Survive (AP Tour). I'm super excited!
I have refound my love for the faint. (My about me is from Violent by the Faint.) And I'm very upset at Virb.com's slow speeds today. Not loading artist's music or videos (I really wanted to see Confines by PlayRadioPlay!) That was sad. Though Virb is quite fun. That's all the news I have.

Slight interlude:
Here's the music video for the name of my blog (by Bright Eyes, who else?), the lyrics are below if you'd like to look. (I love looking at lyrics.)



First Day Of My Life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

!

Well, the report card was not taken badly. It could've been worse though. I'm going to my cousin's senior exhibition tonight too! So that's good. Today has been pretty good. I still have about a million questions to answer as an analysis of a short story (Miriam by Truman Capote) and a short speech to write/formulate, but I'll manage.

Things are looking up. For a little anyway.

baddd

I'm in like the worst mood. Honestly today is not making me look forward to tomorrow. I don't want to do my english homework. I don't want to study for Italian. I don't want to worry about my impending trip upstate that was moved a day ahead due to certain circumstances. I don't want to be yelled at for the B- I have on my report card. Or for my health grade which I know is gonna suck (for the record, it is totally not my fault)! !!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$! $@!#* *%?!
mess mess mess mess

today is not helping me at all

life is literally falling apart

the only good thing is my new haircut

but honestly that's not going to make life better

i still have a billion questions to answer

and a speech to formulate

and all this shit that's never going to get done because i'm too lazy to bother and too worried and aggravated to concentrate on it and my brother's in the next room playing guitar hero without a care in the world and i'm stressing because i don't think i can handle being criticized for anything right now much less being yelled at for having a not awesome report card. biggest run on ever.

PBGRs =(

I'm going to use this post to vent against PBGRs, which if you didn't know are Proficiency Based Graduation Requirements. By the end of my high school career I need to have 48 of these rubrics with the works that go with them in an e-portfolio or I will not graduate.
Most students are unhappy with these requirements (in the form of rubrics) and I think that many adults think that this negative response is due to us (as teenagers) just not wanting to do more work. However, PBGRs are a flawed system and actual points can be made against them. Not only is it often difficult to get rubrics, I'm not sure that everyone even knows which rubrics are required. I definitely don't. This system put a lot of pressure on the students to know what is needed, and in some cases to find work that fits the requirements. I realize that this helps us think for ourselves (the school won't aways be there), but when you're already struggling with a schedule full of honors and extracurriculars it's difficult to do this. In addition, uploading PBGRs into the e-portfolio is often difficult. The main time students from my school have a chance is during their advisory block, every Wednesday, for about 40 minutes. Once a piece of work is on the computer it then has to be attached to an assignment in your e-portfolio. This is the teacher's job, they have to post assignments. I have two rubrics from English this year that are proficient. I uploaded one, went to the site, and proceeded to give up. There was nothing I could do.

I'm sick of writing about these unreasonable requirements, maybe there will be more on the continueing saga of the PBGRs, but for now it's done.

I realize my writing is ineloquent and poorly worded. To learn more [and see much better sentence structure and vocabulary] I suggest this blog: It's Our Education

first

mascara tears
you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at your mascara tears
dripping down your face

tight tight tight
clothing
hugging that androgynous body
tightly tightly tightly

do you feel like a clone
looking like those other teens
waiting for a chance
to make it big like jeffree star

is that who you are
do you wanna be a star?
is that who you are
faker faker faker

or are you real and complete
is this all you want to be
is the club beat all you need
scream scream scream

you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at those mascara tears
running down your white white face

look at you in this place
you've said the words you can't erase
with the mascara tears running down your face
but we'll tell you what you want to hear

tonight.


...:::///|||\\\:::...

riot in the streets

forgive me for not forgiving you
no i never loved you
don't tell me I'm lying
don't tell me I'm lying
don't don't don't
i was never perfect
but always the perfectionist
you always said
'hey who cares anyway'
not you.
i never knew what love is
still doubt i do now
trust trust trust
is a weakness
forgiving
is a fallacy
forgetting
is beyond me
loving
is an unknown
it's not you it's me
reverberating through my head
yeah right, yeah right
like i'd believe you this time
shut up shut up
don't tell me your words of deceit
it's nothing, they're nothing
you're nothing.

=0

ew double post

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

=]

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

ick.

If there's one thing I hate, it's portrayal of loss of innocence in writing. A main factor in an essay I recently wrote dealing with The Catcher In The Rye, loss of innocence sucks. It's a depressing topic, and shows how depraved our world is as children lose their naivety earlier and earlier. Though some may say that this is not a bad thing, it's horrible. Horrible.

convert to puritanism

even if there's something to believe in i don't care at all
beyond caring
just hope hope hope
to end it all
to take that final fall
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life now
no regrets now, find happiness
was everything a waste then?
is everything now lost?
is there reason to this madness
so easily sought
brace yourself for the truth
realize everyone lies
there isn't a person
without a secret to hide
suggest the solution
but not the answer to the problem
remember all the tears
but none of laughter
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life
no regrets, find happiness
is this the way to go
out out out
to have the final fall
to have the final shout
is this the way to go
out out out
there's so much left
there's so much time
and it's running out
leaving isn't justifiable
the reasons aren't reliable
there's only this
only this now
all these consequences of common sense
all these choices of consciousness
there's only this left


6/23 - some of these lines are practically from rent, i've only seen parts of the movie and never seen the play, so it was unintentional.

save me from english

letter green i love you

yo

I'm having a lovely time avoiding english homework. Who really wants to write introductions to essays involving the psychological aspects of The Catcher in the Rye? Not me. So I'm not. I also have a trial to prepare for though, and should be doing that, but it's not that important, so I'm not.

my new love: Ever
go to: www.myspace.com/everandeverandever

pure awesomeness.

thinking sucks

I can't deal with life. I'm stressed, and school starts again with vacation's end tomorrow. Which is bad x2309482390423 (or more). It's supposed to snow, so I'm happy even if we have school, but I've been thinking too much. I'm really good at over-analyzing what people say, and my own thoughts. It sucks. A lot.

anna molly by incubus



=O

huh?

Do you realize that as animals, humans are not fighters? If we didn't have opposable thumbs and make weapons, we would all be dead. Well, maybe not, but our general survival rate would be much lower. It's weird to think about how inequipped we are to fight most animals with merely our bare hands. =O

ew.

To comment a little late on a pop culture event:

Britney shaved her head! (gasp!)
Anyone who isn't living under a rock should know this. My friend told me (along with telling me of Stephen Colbert's new ice cream) and it's just sad. She looked better with hair.

I was considering shaving my head. But right at the beginning of summer, so if I didn't like it I could hide in my house until my hair grew back a little. Also, by the time school came around I could have a sweet little afro (curly hair!). I'm giving the idea a lot of time though, so no rash decisions, which is certainly what Ms. Spears did.

Oh, I cannot wait to try the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream. Sweet. (no pun intended)

Listening to: Deckchairs and Cigarettes, The Thrills-So Much for the City

what's up with you?

The band Cute is What We Aim For is pretty sweet. I think so. So should you. Unless you don't want to, I respect that decision.

They're all pretty cute. The lead singer Shaant Hacikyan (interesting fact: Shaant's last name is not mentioned once in their "stats" on their website, as far as I can tell, and it needs to be updated because they got a new bassist) is too. But, B♥U♥T♥, not to dis him, but his hair is styled a little weird. It doesn't look that bad, but it intrigues me as to how his hair stays the way it looks (I think the answer is it doesn't, but I'm wrong sometimes).

Anyway, that's the end of my tangent. woo, tangent.
[i love katamari damacy and anyone who knows why that's at all relevant is my hero]

listening to (still): fear before the march of flames, the always open mouth, ...As a Result of Signals Being Crossed

oh vacation

bored bored bored

you can't say no
i love fear before the march of flames

art damage is my least fav though. i like odd how people shake. and the always open mouth [but i haven't listened to it nearly enough].

so i could be sleeping. but i also could have started my english essay on monday. yeah, no thanks. =] i went snowboarding today. it was good but the snow sucks at wachusett(s?) because it's like all manmade. it was super warm too. i think i'm against capital letters. it's easy to write them but I only hit shift sometimes on the computer. anyway, this skier ran over the front of my board, causing me to fall and do like a somersault. =((( it was really annoying because it wasn't like i had cut him off or anything. honestly, he came from behind and it was his job to avoid me; if i took him by surprise he wasn't paying attention. =0 it bugs me.

and tomorrow is wednesday. which means...half-way through vacation? almost. so that's no fun. but hopefully i can go and have lunch or something with my cousin leslie on sunday, which requires having done my essay on the catcher in the rye (and psychological aspects of it, among other things). so if i'm done, that will be good. i guess this week is turning out good, but it sucks to have swim practice at 2:30 every day. I wouldn't have it if states hadn't been postponed. =(

adios!

p.s. no hablo espagnol

road block

eloquent and inconsiderate
apologies without forgiveness
this will not be right again

innocent and naive
the past was so carefree
disconsolate and jaded
it's no longer the same story

-----------

I wish I could write something so sincere that people would weep upon reading it and see the truth in the words. I hate funerals. And the word meticulous.

America

(written for english, inspired by Allen Ginsberg and the Providence Journal)

America

America, where are we going?
Are you sure you don’t want a map?
Are you sure that you have a plan?
Oh, stay the course. Stay the course.

Perhaps it is “a time for ‘sacrifices’”
We’ve been left to our own devices for far too long,
Do you know all that’s been going on?

America, have you heard all the inconvenient truths?
There are horrible stories on the news
America, are they true?

In Massachusetts “private schools exempted in searches”
America, will you protect fourth amendment rights?
Are you going to stop “eco-terrorists”?
Are you going to spread democracy to the entire world?

America, you’re driving too fast!
We passed the speed limit miles ago,
It’s 65 and you’re going 180 miles per hour
On this two-lane highway
Would you please slow down?
Oh, “hope is not a strategy”

There’s a war on terror America,
Have you heard? About fighting terrorists and spreading democracy?
America you’re trying to create miracles, trying to be like a godsend.
Is the word godsend allowed in public schools?

America where’s respect?
Did I miss its funeral?
America, have you seen the debts?
The numbers are getting higher every second.
Is there anything you can do?

America, are we there yet?
Are we going to make it to the future?
America, can we get out of the past?
Can this war be different?

America I’ll try to stay with you,
But if you ever need a map,
Don’t be afraid to ask for a few directions.

---------
It was fun, and I like how my poem turned out. =]

clinging to memories leads you nowhere

it's backstabbers and borderlines
would you look at how the time just flies
bitterness lives in every heart in every life
look a little closer with your microscope
specimens and observations
i hope you know who you're replacing
with all your experimentation
it was nice while it lasted
whatever it was
love no i think not lust sounds so good
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
i say this you're dreaming
only a nightmare only a dream
look at how the time flies
alone alone alone through the days
you're lovely and wonderful
those adjectives are empty
you're a poison you're vicious
everything you touch crumbles to dust
except for me
bitterness live in every heart and every soul
bitter words bitter thoughts
look a little closer with you're microscope
specimens and observations
you know who you're replacing
with that experimentation
the past is the past
at least we can say it
the past is our present
that's a little more true
the future is coming the future is coming
i hope it's not with you
the words are sarcastic and mildly biting
cutting and scratching but nothing fatal
you're words are deadly with poisonous edges
you're words are the only thing i feel
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
frantic and thoughtless
this mess we've become
it's only the past again and again
we can repeat the words but we can't believe them
it's only a nightmare
so familiar so true
you cling to your science
let it replace what it can
we're only a memory, a snapshot of one time
i cling to that ghost
as if it would come back to life someday

winter doldrums

Lately, it's been waking up and lying to myself. About how the day's gonna go, how I'm going to feel, how swim practice/meet is going to be. Whatever. I'm in a state of perpetual sickness and it sucks. I feel like crap all the time. I've been coughing, tired, and sometimes dizzy. It's just ridiculous and it happens every winter, but it seems like more so this winter. I'm amazed that I've been able to keep swimming. I have exams right now, so I have half days but I still have swim practice. I realize that this is just ranting, but I'm sick of being sick. =(



10/28/07 this is a really late update that probably no one will see, but I think it's interesting to know that at the time I had a really really bad sinus infection that I was given antibiotics & nasal spray for in February (apparently if it had gone on much longer untreated I may have been hospitalized =0). So I was actually ill.

there are squirrels

on my roof. Seriously they've been trying to make a home for winter. Even though it's January. The weather in the northeast is making things weird. I heard one this morning when I was half-asleep and I was like, "Did something just get dropping on our roof and roll off?", and then I realized that it must have been a squirrel. It was strange. My dad got a bb gun to shoot at the squirrels if they came on the roof, which I think is hilarious. Really.

uh.

After all my short time on earth, perhaps the only thing I have learned is that, there is little that cannot be dealt with by simply choosing not to care.