clinging to memories leads you nowhere

it's backstabbers and borderlines
would you look at how the time just flies
bitterness lives in every heart in every life
look a little closer with your microscope
specimens and observations
i hope you know who you're replacing
with all your experimentation
it was nice while it lasted
whatever it was
love no i think not lust sounds so good
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
i say this you're dreaming
only a nightmare only a dream
look at how the time flies
alone alone alone through the days
you're lovely and wonderful
those adjectives are empty
you're a poison you're vicious
everything you touch crumbles to dust
except for me
bitterness live in every heart and every soul
bitter words bitter thoughts
look a little closer with you're microscope
specimens and observations
you know who you're replacing
with that experimentation
the past is the past
at least we can say it
the past is our present
that's a little more true
the future is coming the future is coming
i hope it's not with you
the words are sarcastic and mildly biting
cutting and scratching but nothing fatal
you're words are deadly with poisonous edges
you're words are the only thing i feel
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
frantic and thoughtless
this mess we've become
it's only the past again and again
we can repeat the words but we can't believe them
it's only a nightmare
so familiar so true
you cling to your science
let it replace what it can
we're only a memory, a snapshot of one time
i cling to that ghost
as if it would come back to life someday

winter doldrums

Lately, it's been waking up and lying to myself. About how the day's gonna go, how I'm going to feel, how swim practice/meet is going to be. Whatever. I'm in a state of perpetual sickness and it sucks. I feel like crap all the time. I've been coughing, tired, and sometimes dizzy. It's just ridiculous and it happens every winter, but it seems like more so this winter. I'm amazed that I've been able to keep swimming. I have exams right now, so I have half days but I still have swim practice. I realize that this is just ranting, but I'm sick of being sick. =(



10/28/07 this is a really late update that probably no one will see, but I think it's interesting to know that at the time I had a really really bad sinus infection that I was given antibiotics & nasal spray for in February (apparently if it had gone on much longer untreated I may have been hospitalized =0). So I was actually ill.

there are squirrels

on my roof. Seriously they've been trying to make a home for winter. Even though it's January. The weather in the northeast is making things weird. I heard one this morning when I was half-asleep and I was like, "Did something just get dropping on our roof and roll off?", and then I realized that it must have been a squirrel. It was strange. My dad got a bb gun to shoot at the squirrels if they came on the roof, which I think is hilarious. Really.

uh.

After all my short time on earth, perhaps the only thing I have learned is that, there is little that cannot be dealt with by simply choosing not to care.

i think i see another dead end
watch the world collapse right ahead
let's just jump ship
and leave town
no one will notice that
we're not around
back to the beginning
and we'll just start again
take a right where we went left
promise to not ever make sense
so it's loving and leaving
for another round
remember the secrets
remember the sound
the sun was blinding
the stars were so bright
the moon was a sliver
in the blue sky
it is beyond comprehension we forgive and forget
remember the letters
and words in our heads
the world is collapsing it's another relapse
this cancer's contagious
and just look at the aftermath
the war is over--no one has won
try to herd us back to the beaten path
like shepherding lost sheep
but we're anything but
maybe we don't know we're were going
but we'll know when we get there
and the words rearrange
to the lies that make sense
to the world to the ones that want to know
but it's another dead end
time to jump ship and start again
the observations are more like assumptions
the path that's set is what's meant to follow
there's no fun in that
it's a path to the end of your life
the world is spinning
my hand's are clenched - knuckles white
if this is what life's supposed to be like
please let me off this ride
it's not so much my stomach
but my head's making me sick
this is just another trick
it's something that can be expected
subconscious persuasion
because that will work so well
it's mass media not individualism
that's killing society
we're killing society
it's not the lies we're spreading
it's the truths we're all telling
the meaning isn't holding up
illogical and logical
lets separate the facts
it's not over understanding
just over fixing up
we'll learn that sometimes
our best isn't enough
it looks like another dead end
the world is collapsing up ahead
let's go ahead jump ship and leave this town
no one will notice us not around
we'll just start again
take a right we're we went left
second chances are never done with
and sometime the where we want to go
will be where we end up

helpful devil

the fact is
i'm just wasting my time
waiting for something
to go right in my life

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes and i pass out
i guess you're gonna take me home again
and wait again

this time it's nothing more than wishful thinking
why let me out
it's just a bad excuse that you're mistaken
another night that will never be remembered

time and time again
we watch the world pass by
you let me try to drink my sorrow away
and then hold me when i cry
(i never was a happy drunk)

you watch the pain recede
the inhibitions fade
and take advantage of me
after all i'll never remember again

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes and i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

make sure you look youthful
but not underage
i know you're just hoping
for someone to take you away

it's a miserable feeling looking at me
wasting my life away
(wasting my life away)
ever so helpful finding the bars
paying the tabs
what is it that's wrong with this

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes as i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

it never was i'm sorry
it's when do you want to go out
leading me to destruction
it's a pity you didn't plan so far ahead

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes as i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

another night of drinking to an end
to an end
to an end
again

heartbreak of the worst kind

it was always you and your arrogance
oh what best friends
there was never any room for me
i wish i could have seen that was true

but you kept me around
just to push me around
and you watched me fall
just to help me up from the ground

i missed all the phrases you'd say
and i stayed around
hoping i'd hear them someday
once again

i said i was wrong when
i knew i was right
i never wanted a fight
because i knew what would come
the anger and screaming
the pushing the needing
the hating the berating
all for what i knew was the truth

you kept me around
just to push me around
you'd watch me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

i never got sick of your lips
or sick of your eyes
sick of your hair
but i got sick of your lies

it was over and over
those words i once loved
i still loved i still loved
it shouldn't have been
so difficult to see
that maybe i loved you
but you never loved me

and i watched what i said
for the longest of times
before i thought you'd accept
what i knew was right
and i talked my way into
the final fight that we had
figured out all those phrases
i now knew were lies
and i fell in love again
with your rage-filled eyes

you kept me around
just to push me around
you watched me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

well it was too late for good-byes
and to sad for tears
it was too much for drinking
the reality stayed there
i put too much effort
into a waste of my life
made stupid excuses
for your waste of a life
and we all make our choices
i certainly made mine
but i know that you never
should have had a place in my life

you kept me around
just to push me around
you'd watch me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

i don't wanted to be kept around
just to be pushed around
or picked up from the ground
by the person who kicked me down

well i'm leaving you know
and i'm pushing you down
i won't stay to see you fall
i won't pick you up from the ground
yeah you can cry out
but it's not worth it know
since figuring out
i know that you're nothing but lies



...:::///|||\\\:::...

remind me never to sleep again

comforting reassuring

it's the same words once again
spilling from your lips
and i'll drink them in
i want to believe
i want to believe you tell the truth

oh but i know
i know you're wrong
but as the story goes
you'd give the world to keep me here
as long as i never stray
and then i'm gone
before i can say a word

comforting reassuring
its the same lies
drink it in drink it down
this world will let me down
or maybe just you

i've cried the same tears before
you know it you know it
you've said the same words before
i know it i know it
but i hang on

give me back what i've lost
the memory of days forgotten
times that no longer are seen
times i no longer believe
you've stolen everything good in life

comforting reassuring
the same old sad story
spilling from your lips
drink it in drink it down
you're just gonna let me down
i know, i know, i know

Want v. Need

well you want what you want
and i want what i need
in the end though
does it matter who bleeds

but you take happiness
and twist it around
stomp on people's laughter
throw them to the ground

to watch you is to have
all the misery of knowing
nothing in life is worth
giving you all that you want

but you get it
and you'll get it
but you don't deserve it
you don't deserve anything

beyond the tears you cry
looking for sweet empathy
manipulating what you want
into what you need

maybe it's not money that
you'll be looking for
keep telling you lies
keep wasting your time

but you take happiness
and twist it around
stomp on people's smiles
and throw them to the ground

but it's all that you want
and you won't admit it
you pretend and pretend
but you'll never be complete

I've realized

that I really connect with music I can relate to.
There's music I like,
But there's also music is LOVE.
And that difference means so much,
to how I can connect to the music,
how I listen, and feel.
That music I love can fix a horrible day.
But sometimes, it's so tough to find it.
Sometimes it's so hard to find the
right music for the right moment.
But I try. I'm trying.

inconsistencies

can I make another promise
that I'll break, as soon as I can.
'cause that's the plan

perceive the inconsistencies
of all that I have to say
it's always been that way
just never noticed

beyond that horizon over there
is somewhere without a care
somewhere that calls to me

so I'll say what I have to
and then disregard
anything I've said before
just because it's understood
that everything means nothing to me

somethinggg

I want something sweet and sincere. Something I can hold near and remember those times that I never want to forget. And in the end, this will be meaningless and probably the memories of a fight if anything else. But for a while, for a moment, the memories will be crisp and clean without wrinkles or stains. Unlike so much these days. Everything is so dirty. I just want that moment of clarity. A moment of meaning. When I feel like I deserve to live and not to die. When I deserve to be on this earth. And it's all relative. But I just want something to make me content, not forever, but just for a little while at least. Something that, for a time, will give life meaning. And maybe it won't happen and is a silly little hope. But I can hope, and I will.

ehm. idk.

i can tell you that those words
were as unexpected as a car crash
with a drunkard at the wheel
that's always how it feels
whenever you decide to tell me
what you think i need to hear
it's always what i expect you to say
that's never changed
it's monotonous and innocent
you never seem to notice
but whenever you start talking
i feel like sliting my own throat

just to get away from you.
it's always the same words
different phrases different ways
you never know what to say
there's nothing to say

it's gone on for so long
and i've tolerated it
but these talks have got to end
and i'm sick of this
so just walk away find someone else
to preach to
your words have no meaning
and i've heard it again and again
it's unpredictable and terribly old
so darling just do as your told
shut up, turn your back, and leave-
walk away from me

save this!

i'm gonna throw myself headfirst
into this - to see if i sink or swim
if what you say is true;
please don't let me drown

we're so fucked up

i miss the simple times
when there wasn't too much homework
and you didn't have to stress over stuff
like i have to have two examples
for each of the 24 requirements of
a portfolio i need to graduate.
the portfolio basically has no
practical use. so i want to go to
college for say, pre-med and what
can i hand them? a sample of
poetry. yeah that's such a useful item
to have. i dislike our school board
and most of the people in my town as
they are ignorant and cannot make
good decisions, or refuse to.
it's horrible though, because
America's future is going to be in
my generations hands at one point
and if we're not well educated,
well, let's just say it's not going
to be pretty. If everything goes
well, we'll be coming into a mess
in the middle east or the end of it.
If everything goes better than
well, then my generation shouldn't
even have to deal with the aftermath
to Iraq. But with Bush in there for
another 2 years and who knows
coming in next, it's not looking good.
I decided that I'm going to write a book.
About how society is ignorant of most
things, and the only way to abolish
this ignorance is to...I haven't got
that far yet. Too many things wouldn't
work. It'll be good though.
Look for it.

i can't write anything not at the spur of the moment anymore. no taking out my notebook just scribbling on random paper or pulling up my blog. my notebook will never be full because of it. the other one was filled with angst. i guess it helped. or i would be able to still feel it. it doesn't hurt to read what i used to write but it makes me wish i could still write like that. even if it isn't the best work. but i suppose i should be happy and i am. i mean i really try to be. and i'm not depressed unless i let myself dwell on my thoughts and the past and the now. so really, i'm just better not thinking at all, or about trivial things. its frustrating.

i dont want to get old [ever]

and can we tell when it all falls down
when the lies fade into truth
and when the skies begin to blur
in tales of forgotten youth
and if we know all that we've known
forever, can we prevent
the failing of all the knowledge
that our whole life went un-spent
and if we forget the dates
and all the tales we told
can we not also forget to live
as we grow old

car crashhh

sometimes i feel like a car crash waiting to happen
all i need is a stoplight to go racing through

=0

the fonts on the post below weren't cooperating. and probably not in this one eitherrr. =0

tbs [taking back sunday]

we're gonna die like this you know
miserable and old

yeah they're so mainstream now but no one listens anymore so it's alright the lyrics are completely awesome