somethinggg

I want something sweet and sincere. Something I can hold near and remember those times that I never want to forget. And in the end, this will be meaningless and probably the memories of a fight if anything else. But for a while, for a moment, the memories will be crisp and clean without wrinkles or stains. Unlike so much these days. Everything is so dirty. I just want that moment of clarity. A moment of meaning. When I feel like I deserve to live and not to die. When I deserve to be on this earth. And it's all relative. But I just want something to make me content, not forever, but just for a little while at least. Something that, for a time, will give life meaning. And maybe it won't happen and is a silly little hope. But I can hope, and I will.

ehm. idk.

i can tell you that those words
were as unexpected as a car crash
with a drunkard at the wheel
that's always how it feels
whenever you decide to tell me
what you think i need to hear
it's always what i expect you to say
that's never changed
it's monotonous and innocent
you never seem to notice
but whenever you start talking
i feel like sliting my own throat

just to get away from you.
it's always the same words
different phrases different ways
you never know what to say
there's nothing to say

it's gone on for so long
and i've tolerated it
but these talks have got to end
and i'm sick of this
so just walk away find someone else
to preach to
your words have no meaning
and i've heard it again and again
it's unpredictable and terribly old
so darling just do as your told
shut up, turn your back, and leave-
walk away from me

save this!

i'm gonna throw myself headfirst
into this - to see if i sink or swim
if what you say is true;
please don't let me drown

we're so fucked up

i miss the simple times
when there wasn't too much homework
and you didn't have to stress over stuff
like i have to have two examples
for each of the 24 requirements of
a portfolio i need to graduate.
the portfolio basically has no
practical use. so i want to go to
college for say, pre-med and what
can i hand them? a sample of
poetry. yeah that's such a useful item
to have. i dislike our school board
and most of the people in my town as
they are ignorant and cannot make
good decisions, or refuse to.
it's horrible though, because
America's future is going to be in
my generations hands at one point
and if we're not well educated,
well, let's just say it's not going
to be pretty. If everything goes
well, we'll be coming into a mess
in the middle east or the end of it.
If everything goes better than
well, then my generation shouldn't
even have to deal with the aftermath
to Iraq. But with Bush in there for
another 2 years and who knows
coming in next, it's not looking good.
I decided that I'm going to write a book.
About how society is ignorant of most
things, and the only way to abolish
this ignorance is to...I haven't got
that far yet. Too many things wouldn't
work. It'll be good though.
Look for it.

i can't write anything not at the spur of the moment anymore. no taking out my notebook just scribbling on random paper or pulling up my blog. my notebook will never be full because of it. the other one was filled with angst. i guess it helped. or i would be able to still feel it. it doesn't hurt to read what i used to write but it makes me wish i could still write like that. even if it isn't the best work. but i suppose i should be happy and i am. i mean i really try to be. and i'm not depressed unless i let myself dwell on my thoughts and the past and the now. so really, i'm just better not thinking at all, or about trivial things. its frustrating.

i dont want to get old [ever]

and can we tell when it all falls down
when the lies fade into truth
and when the skies begin to blur
in tales of forgotten youth
and if we know all that we've known
forever, can we prevent
the failing of all the knowledge
that our whole life went un-spent
and if we forget the dates
and all the tales we told
can we not also forget to live
as we grow old

car crashhh

sometimes i feel like a car crash waiting to happen
all i need is a stoplight to go racing through

=0

the fonts on the post below weren't cooperating. and probably not in this one eitherrr. =0

tbs [taking back sunday]

we're gonna die like this you know
miserable and old

yeah they're so mainstream now but no one listens anymore so it's alright the lyrics are completely awesome

intro to stats

another teenage heartthrob
another teenage lost cause
what is wrong with the world?
something's wrong with all these boys and girls
can we help it? the world's so messed up
adults so stressed up-
can we say what's wrong
can we know what's going on
the problem's in us
the problem's with us
we can't stop
going forward-going forward
never backwards-opening new doors


unfinished. wrote it in class.

i dont know

dont remind me of
all the things
that i wish
i could be
what once was
is not now
what once was
is impossible to take back
what was said i regret
what was done i forget
you and i
changed that day
i never see you anymore

all alone
on a street corner
you wait by the buildings
and you stay and you stay
while the night gets dark
and you're walking away

i arrive
much too late
no explanations
can change fate
and i lose all i've lost
to this day
i've never regained
what i've done

and it's regret
not joy that fills these eyes
with tears tonight
on the anniversary of all that once was
all that i've done wrong

you used to smile
used to forgive
everything i ever did
and i know i wasn't nice
mean but fragile would suffice
not broken but still cracked
life is like that

you waited all alone
on that street corner that night
by the buildings
you stayed and stayed
as it grew dark
and then you walked away

i arrived much too late
to save you from that fate
and i lost all i had
to this day never regained
and all i can say is sorry
and that i regret the mistakes
that took you away from me


so that's that
not much more to say i suppose
later i'm gonna post something i wrote in class
it's not finished because the teacher started
saying something that i probably didn't need
to listen to but did.
i can't help but wonder if what i write
is like the taking back sunday lyrics i was listening too:
"those words at best
were worse than teenage poetry
fragment ideas
and too many pronouns"

i am

a mess
and i should be sleeping
sleeping off the sadness
sleeping off the waste of my life
yeah that's right.
it's all true.
it's all very very true.
i just wish i knew
someone who could tell it.
but there's no truth left
no truth to the lies
no truth to this life
walking contradiction
wish i knew what that was
wish i knew who i was
who i am. i dont care.
who could care now
i'm a mess now
mess

something or other

race of your life
time races races races
faster faster than we can keep up
than we can keep up
we're slowing down slowing down
and so out of breath
(when will we catch our breath?)
no respite from the feeling
no respite from the emotion
it's all going down the drain
we're all going down the drain
back to the drawing board
we remember what once was
what it is now can we tell
how can we tell
time races faster faster
we can't keep up
we can't keep up the pace
we need a pacer
not another racer to pass us up
we're losing ground
slower and slower till
we're underground
no longer out of breath
we can finally rest
but it's not for us
death ignores us
so we race race race
'till our dooming final day
'till that gloomy final day
may we find respite



hmm...idk if it's any good, but it feels good to be writing again.
i feel like crap
not physically though.
the speakers on my computer have gone awol.
well actually the sound has.
headphones won't work either.
i have no idea what the cause of this phenomenon is.
[nothing is muted thankyouverymuch]
though i'm a little worried that itunes is involved.
either way. unhappy. no music.
the song i love that i put on my myspace won't play.
itunes wont open. (i exited it earlier because it was being stupid)
carlos mencia is ridiculously funny.

confused

I feel so strange. And detached. I went on a run today, and I didn't feel like going my normal route. So I took a right where normally I would take a left, and got somewhat lost. I ran for an hour and 2 minutes. I had some aches at the beginning and at 30 minutes when my legs thought I was done, but other than that...nothing. salkhjgd I don't know how to explain what I want to say. It's killing me. Not literally thank god. But it's just this feeling as if something has gone wrong. Something is not right. I am not right. It cannot be helped however. And I can't find the right music to help me feel better or more like me. I'm not happy, sad, apathetic or any emotion. Well...not an emotion I can think of. Unless confused counts, but I think that's more of a state of mind. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I like facts and clean cuts. My run today was good because it was a break from that. I don't like knowing where I'm running or how long it is or how long it should take because that knowledge sucks. HATE HATE HATE. That's an answer to that. Not what I'm feeling but what I feel of knowing how long something should take and then being slower. RAGE RAGE RAGE. That's the answer. ANGER ANGER. Coursing through my veins wanting to be let out. Wanting to destroy. BREAK BREAK BREAK something beautiful. Like fight club. My favorite book. AWESOME. anger anger anger...consuming me. I don't express my anger a lot. I think I have a lot of pent up rage, but...I could be wrong. I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist. I want to punch my keyboard to bits. Gone. Now.

bright eyes = <3

Emotion
I'm back here again.
To say what I've said
A million times before,
It's not you, it's me-
Oh who am I kidding?
I lose all of the feeling,
All of my nerve
I fall down the stairs
And crash into the wall
Punch through the pavement
I don't think I can walk
Far enough away
To forget all I've done
To forget it-forget it
'Cause I've missed what I've had
But I've felt no regret
There are so many stories
But not one is sincerely true
And every day I remember
Everything I thought
That it would last forever
That we never would stop
And I go and ruin things
Again and again
Like there's nothing to it
I repeat the same words
As the melodies collide
I have no feeling, no love, no lies.
I don't feel the tears I see in your eyes
I'm nothing, nothing.
I leave not knowing,
Where I'm gonna go
Without any sense of perspective.
And I lose all my feeling
Lose all my nerve
Fall down the stairs
And crash into the wall
Punch through the pavement
And try to find what I'm looking for.



...:::///|||\\\:::...

A little Bright Eyes inspired, I don't know if you can tell. Bright Eyes is wonderful. It doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't make me sad either. =/ Whatever that means. I'm a little depressed I suppose. But nothing major. I went surfing today, the waves would have been good but the wind was onshore and it was pretty choppy. Unfortunately. But otherwise it was fun. =]

fight club

is now my favorite book. ever. i just really connected with all of it. it amazed me. tyler durden is my hero. i don't really like to fight. i'm not a person who gets into fights. but i can understand the need to destroy. i would like to destroy people sometimes. sometimes i would like to be beaten up. the book just makes so much sense to me.

again

I'm watching my feelings walk away
They said goodbye They say goodbye
I'm done with all the drama
I'm sick of all the lies
Pass down another sunset
Pass out onto my bed
Wake up to hear the birds chirp
Melodies in my head
Step out and watch the sun rise
Step out and watch the clouds come
Another day has begun again
Again again
Wish away the lifetimes
They all were too much
It all was too much to remember
I never remembered all the words
You said in each verse
Trying to make me stay back there
With you
And I got lost in an alleyway
Trying to get home
I never found the way that night
I trace the clouds in the sky
As secrets that might hide
The answers that I really want to know
That I really want to know
Pass down another sunset
Pass out onto my bed
Wake up with the sunrise
Wake up to see sunny skies again
Again again.

mooddd

I need something to do. So I would write but it requires leaving my computer. So I'm doing this. I went to the beach today for the first time in foreverrr. It was pretty fun. I'm making a playlist on itunes for my mood instead.

positive to negative

So...I haven't blogged in forever. For the past 26/27 days I've been up in Maine at a camp. Without computer access or my music. It was heartbreaking. But I traveled the Allagash River and completed the Mud Pond Carry as part of the first group from Camp Wavus (for Girls).
It was definetely one of the best experiences of my rather short life. I am no longer afraid of the outdoors and want to come back as a counsuler for sure. I did acquire a healthy fear of moose though, as we saw 24.
On our last day we rafted down the East Branch of the Penobscot which was incredibly fun (class 4 + 5 rapids).
It was just an overall amazing experience and though I'm happy to be home I miss my cabin incredibly and just being at camp. It was a 15 day trip so we were away for the longest of the whole camp (we were also the oldest). 24/7 for 15 days with my counsulers and my cabin made us majorly close.
I didn't really have a lot of time to write at all. So no poems or anything. If it's possible I was a lot more happy at camp then I am now. I just have so much time to dwell on everything that it's really killing my mood. =[
So I'm blogging because I want to talk to someone I know but am not wicked good friends with and I'm bad with words so I won't because I'll say something wrong and mess up what is and feel worse.
Agh. I'm a mess. I thought I was better than this. And I'm not. I'm slowly killing off all the good in my life. I don't know why. WHY?

Sarah -- [adjective]: Pretentiously academian 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

surprisingly I think that's actually rather accurate...;]