haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

=]

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

ick.

If there's one thing I hate, it's portrayal of loss of innocence in writing. A main factor in an essay I recently wrote dealing with The Catcher In The Rye, loss of innocence sucks. It's a depressing topic, and shows how depraved our world is as children lose their naivety earlier and earlier. Though some may say that this is not a bad thing, it's horrible. Horrible.

convert to puritanism

even if there's something to believe in i don't care at all
beyond caring
just hope hope hope
to end it all
to take that final fall
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life now
no regrets now, find happiness
was everything a waste then?
is everything now lost?
is there reason to this madness
so easily sought
brace yourself for the truth
realize everyone lies
there isn't a person
without a secret to hide
suggest the solution
but not the answer to the problem
remember all the tears
but none of laughter
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life
no regrets, find happiness
is this the way to go
out out out
to have the final fall
to have the final shout
is this the way to go
out out out
there's so much left
there's so much time
and it's running out
leaving isn't justifiable
the reasons aren't reliable
there's only this
only this now
all these consequences of common sense
all these choices of consciousness
there's only this left


6/23 - some of these lines are practically from rent, i've only seen parts of the movie and never seen the play, so it was unintentional.

save me from english

letter green i love you

yo

I'm having a lovely time avoiding english homework. Who really wants to write introductions to essays involving the psychological aspects of The Catcher in the Rye? Not me. So I'm not. I also have a trial to prepare for though, and should be doing that, but it's not that important, so I'm not.

my new love: Ever
go to: www.myspace.com/everandeverandever

pure awesomeness.

thinking sucks

I can't deal with life. I'm stressed, and school starts again with vacation's end tomorrow. Which is bad x2309482390423 (or more). It's supposed to snow, so I'm happy even if we have school, but I've been thinking too much. I'm really good at over-analyzing what people say, and my own thoughts. It sucks. A lot.

anna molly by incubus



=O

huh?

Do you realize that as animals, humans are not fighters? If we didn't have opposable thumbs and make weapons, we would all be dead. Well, maybe not, but our general survival rate would be much lower. It's weird to think about how inequipped we are to fight most animals with merely our bare hands. =O

ew.

To comment a little late on a pop culture event:

Britney shaved her head! (gasp!)
Anyone who isn't living under a rock should know this. My friend told me (along with telling me of Stephen Colbert's new ice cream) and it's just sad. She looked better with hair.

I was considering shaving my head. But right at the beginning of summer, so if I didn't like it I could hide in my house until my hair grew back a little. Also, by the time school came around I could have a sweet little afro (curly hair!). I'm giving the idea a lot of time though, so no rash decisions, which is certainly what Ms. Spears did.

Oh, I cannot wait to try the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream. Sweet. (no pun intended)

Listening to: Deckchairs and Cigarettes, The Thrills-So Much for the City

what's up with you?

The band Cute is What We Aim For is pretty sweet. I think so. So should you. Unless you don't want to, I respect that decision.

They're all pretty cute. The lead singer Shaant Hacikyan (interesting fact: Shaant's last name is not mentioned once in their "stats" on their website, as far as I can tell, and it needs to be updated because they got a new bassist) is too. But, B♥U♥T♥, not to dis him, but his hair is styled a little weird. It doesn't look that bad, but it intrigues me as to how his hair stays the way it looks (I think the answer is it doesn't, but I'm wrong sometimes).

Anyway, that's the end of my tangent. woo, tangent.
[i love katamari damacy and anyone who knows why that's at all relevant is my hero]

listening to (still): fear before the march of flames, the always open mouth, ...As a Result of Signals Being Crossed

oh vacation

bored bored bored

you can't say no
i love fear before the march of flames

art damage is my least fav though. i like odd how people shake. and the always open mouth [but i haven't listened to it nearly enough].

so i could be sleeping. but i also could have started my english essay on monday. yeah, no thanks. =] i went snowboarding today. it was good but the snow sucks at wachusett(s?) because it's like all manmade. it was super warm too. i think i'm against capital letters. it's easy to write them but I only hit shift sometimes on the computer. anyway, this skier ran over the front of my board, causing me to fall and do like a somersault. =((( it was really annoying because it wasn't like i had cut him off or anything. honestly, he came from behind and it was his job to avoid me; if i took him by surprise he wasn't paying attention. =0 it bugs me.

and tomorrow is wednesday. which means...half-way through vacation? almost. so that's no fun. but hopefully i can go and have lunch or something with my cousin leslie on sunday, which requires having done my essay on the catcher in the rye (and psychological aspects of it, among other things). so if i'm done, that will be good. i guess this week is turning out good, but it sucks to have swim practice at 2:30 every day. I wouldn't have it if states hadn't been postponed. =(

adios!

p.s. no hablo espagnol

road block

eloquent and inconsiderate
apologies without forgiveness
this will not be right again

innocent and naive
the past was so carefree
disconsolate and jaded
it's no longer the same story

-----------

I wish I could write something so sincere that people would weep upon reading it and see the truth in the words. I hate funerals. And the word meticulous.

America

(written for english, inspired by Allen Ginsberg and the Providence Journal)

America

America, where are we going?
Are you sure you don’t want a map?
Are you sure that you have a plan?
Oh, stay the course. Stay the course.

Perhaps it is “a time for ‘sacrifices’”
We’ve been left to our own devices for far too long,
Do you know all that’s been going on?

America, have you heard all the inconvenient truths?
There are horrible stories on the news
America, are they true?

In Massachusetts “private schools exempted in searches”
America, will you protect fourth amendment rights?
Are you going to stop “eco-terrorists”?
Are you going to spread democracy to the entire world?

America, you’re driving too fast!
We passed the speed limit miles ago,
It’s 65 and you’re going 180 miles per hour
On this two-lane highway
Would you please slow down?
Oh, “hope is not a strategy”

There’s a war on terror America,
Have you heard? About fighting terrorists and spreading democracy?
America you’re trying to create miracles, trying to be like a godsend.
Is the word godsend allowed in public schools?

America where’s respect?
Did I miss its funeral?
America, have you seen the debts?
The numbers are getting higher every second.
Is there anything you can do?

America, are we there yet?
Are we going to make it to the future?
America, can we get out of the past?
Can this war be different?

America I’ll try to stay with you,
But if you ever need a map,
Don’t be afraid to ask for a few directions.

---------
It was fun, and I like how my poem turned out. =]

clinging to memories leads you nowhere

it's backstabbers and borderlines
would you look at how the time just flies
bitterness lives in every heart in every life
look a little closer with your microscope
specimens and observations
i hope you know who you're replacing
with all your experimentation
it was nice while it lasted
whatever it was
love no i think not lust sounds so good
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
i say this you're dreaming
only a nightmare only a dream
look at how the time flies
alone alone alone through the days
you're lovely and wonderful
those adjectives are empty
you're a poison you're vicious
everything you touch crumbles to dust
except for me
bitterness live in every heart and every soul
bitter words bitter thoughts
look a little closer with you're microscope
specimens and observations
you know who you're replacing
with that experimentation
the past is the past
at least we can say it
the past is our present
that's a little more true
the future is coming the future is coming
i hope it's not with you
the words are sarcastic and mildly biting
cutting and scratching but nothing fatal
you're words are deadly with poisonous edges
you're words are the only thing i feel
i say this you're screaming
at the top of you're lungs
frantic and thoughtless
this mess we've become
it's only the past again and again
we can repeat the words but we can't believe them
it's only a nightmare
so familiar so true
you cling to your science
let it replace what it can
we're only a memory, a snapshot of one time
i cling to that ghost
as if it would come back to life someday

winter doldrums

Lately, it's been waking up and lying to myself. About how the day's gonna go, how I'm going to feel, how swim practice/meet is going to be. Whatever. I'm in a state of perpetual sickness and it sucks. I feel like crap all the time. I've been coughing, tired, and sometimes dizzy. It's just ridiculous and it happens every winter, but it seems like more so this winter. I'm amazed that I've been able to keep swimming. I have exams right now, so I have half days but I still have swim practice. I realize that this is just ranting, but I'm sick of being sick. =(



10/28/07 this is a really late update that probably no one will see, but I think it's interesting to know that at the time I had a really really bad sinus infection that I was given antibiotics & nasal spray for in February (apparently if it had gone on much longer untreated I may have been hospitalized =0). So I was actually ill.

there are squirrels

on my roof. Seriously they've been trying to make a home for winter. Even though it's January. The weather in the northeast is making things weird. I heard one this morning when I was half-asleep and I was like, "Did something just get dropping on our roof and roll off?", and then I realized that it must have been a squirrel. It was strange. My dad got a bb gun to shoot at the squirrels if they came on the roof, which I think is hilarious. Really.

uh.

After all my short time on earth, perhaps the only thing I have learned is that, there is little that cannot be dealt with by simply choosing not to care.

i think i see another dead end
watch the world collapse right ahead
let's just jump ship
and leave town
no one will notice that
we're not around
back to the beginning
and we'll just start again
take a right where we went left
promise to not ever make sense
so it's loving and leaving
for another round
remember the secrets
remember the sound
the sun was blinding
the stars were so bright
the moon was a sliver
in the blue sky
it is beyond comprehension we forgive and forget
remember the letters
and words in our heads
the world is collapsing it's another relapse
this cancer's contagious
and just look at the aftermath
the war is over--no one has won
try to herd us back to the beaten path
like shepherding lost sheep
but we're anything but
maybe we don't know we're were going
but we'll know when we get there
and the words rearrange
to the lies that make sense
to the world to the ones that want to know
but it's another dead end
time to jump ship and start again
the observations are more like assumptions
the path that's set is what's meant to follow
there's no fun in that
it's a path to the end of your life
the world is spinning
my hand's are clenched - knuckles white
if this is what life's supposed to be like
please let me off this ride
it's not so much my stomach
but my head's making me sick
this is just another trick
it's something that can be expected
subconscious persuasion
because that will work so well
it's mass media not individualism
that's killing society
we're killing society
it's not the lies we're spreading
it's the truths we're all telling
the meaning isn't holding up
illogical and logical
lets separate the facts
it's not over understanding
just over fixing up
we'll learn that sometimes
our best isn't enough
it looks like another dead end
the world is collapsing up ahead
let's go ahead jump ship and leave this town
no one will notice us not around
we'll just start again
take a right we're we went left
second chances are never done with
and sometime the where we want to go
will be where we end up

helpful devil

the fact is
i'm just wasting my time
waiting for something
to go right in my life

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes and i pass out
i guess you're gonna take me home again
and wait again

this time it's nothing more than wishful thinking
why let me out
it's just a bad excuse that you're mistaken
another night that will never be remembered

time and time again
we watch the world pass by
you let me try to drink my sorrow away
and then hold me when i cry
(i never was a happy drunk)

you watch the pain recede
the inhibitions fade
and take advantage of me
after all i'll never remember again

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes and i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

make sure you look youthful
but not underage
i know you're just hoping
for someone to take you away

it's a miserable feeling looking at me
wasting my life away
(wasting my life away)
ever so helpful finding the bars
paying the tabs
what is it that's wrong with this

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes as i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

it never was i'm sorry
it's when do you want to go out
leading me to destruction
it's a pity you didn't plan so far ahead

the memories blur as i black out
look into your eyes as i pass out
another night of drinking to an end
another night to be written off again

another night of drinking to an end
to an end
to an end
again

heartbreak of the worst kind

it was always you and your arrogance
oh what best friends
there was never any room for me
i wish i could have seen that was true

but you kept me around
just to push me around
and you watched me fall
just to help me up from the ground

i missed all the phrases you'd say
and i stayed around
hoping i'd hear them someday
once again

i said i was wrong when
i knew i was right
i never wanted a fight
because i knew what would come
the anger and screaming
the pushing the needing
the hating the berating
all for what i knew was the truth

you kept me around
just to push me around
you'd watch me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

i never got sick of your lips
or sick of your eyes
sick of your hair
but i got sick of your lies

it was over and over
those words i once loved
i still loved i still loved
it shouldn't have been
so difficult to see
that maybe i loved you
but you never loved me

and i watched what i said
for the longest of times
before i thought you'd accept
what i knew was right
and i talked my way into
the final fight that we had
figured out all those phrases
i now knew were lies
and i fell in love again
with your rage-filled eyes

you kept me around
just to push me around
you watched me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

well it was too late for good-byes
and to sad for tears
it was too much for drinking
the reality stayed there
i put too much effort
into a waste of my life
made stupid excuses
for your waste of a life
and we all make our choices
i certainly made mine
but i know that you never
should have had a place in my life

you kept me around
just to push me around
you'd watch me fall down
just to pick me up from the ground

i don't wanted to be kept around
just to be pushed around
or picked up from the ground
by the person who kicked me down

well i'm leaving you know
and i'm pushing you down
i won't stay to see you fall
i won't pick you up from the ground
yeah you can cry out
but it's not worth it know
since figuring out
i know that you're nothing but lies



...:::///|||\\\:::...

remind me never to sleep again