ugh.

We had a mock election today in school that somehow we convinced our teacher to let us do. So an AP Calc class conducted a mock presidential election. Weird?

It pisses me off that some people didn't vote because they were like "None of the candidates are capable." They're totally the same people who will complain about who was elected. If you don't vote you lose that right. If you didn't try to influence who was elected, you can't complain about what happened. That's such crap too. Who is capable? Really, tell me, because I'd love to know. The U.S. is such a complex country that I really think it is tough to define who would be best to run it, so if you really like neither candidate, go with the lesser evil. Vote for who agrees with you. That's why we have Congress, so people can't go and enact radical laws.


Besides that though, can I quit life? Senior year sucks.

everyday is the same

i'm falling asleep and sitting on the edge of my seat dying to move
there are too many thoughts in my head
i can't express this feeling
there is only wrong
no no no rights
all that's left is being alone
and i'm trying to change
will you still love me if i'm not the same?
there isn't enough time to explain
and i'm falling down again
this adrenaline is racing through my veins
and this night is nowhere near over
waiting on those words that hopefully won't change
i'm hoping you'll still feel the same
i'm hoping you'll still feel the same way now

college essay?!

Canoeing isn’t easy. My trip through the Allagash Wilderness Waterway taught me that, among other things. The trip, traveling by canoe for 14 days and living in the wild, is one of the foremost experiences in my life and has lead to greater changes in how I live today. Before the trip I had never been camping and was not incredibly fond of the outdoors. To me, the outdoors was muddy, buggy and gross. I still dislike bugs, but no longer fear the outdoors. The trip threw me headfirst into camping, setting up tents, tarps, cooking on small camp stoves and practicing “Leave No Trace” (LNT) principles. LNT was part of the valuable knowledge I gained on the trip; the principles emphasize a low environmental impact. Which is especially important today, where the environment is being destroyed far to often.
From 20 miles spent canoeing in one day to carrying a canoe over 1.5 miles, the trip was a test of strength and skill. The experience broadened my knowledge of camping, instilled a respect for nature in me, and taught me how much everyday comforts are taken for granted. The lack of ordinary comforts such as running water and indoor plumbing heightened my awareness of how imperative those comforts are as well as how many people today lack those comforts. Furthermore, the trip made me desire to test my boundaries. The next summer I flew to Colorado by myself to participate in a leadership camp, an activity I never would have done without the first experience. There I gained my Wilderness First Aid certification and advanced my knowledge of LNT principles. Using this new knowledge, last summer I worked at the camp that gave me the experience of the Allagash trip. I did this hoping to help other girls have the same phenomenal experience I had. Overall, the affects of the trip on me, both tangible and intangible are too numerous to count. The journey was 14 days, but the experience will stay with me for a lifetime.


it's probably going to be edited a little from this, and my friend is going to kill me for the cliche ending, but i think it's alright. i haven't proofread it yet.

today

Was the day of my last high school cross country race. It's sort of sad, but not too much. I'm sure I'm going to be way more broken up about swimming, since that has always been a bigger part of my life.

I also decided the other day that I am going to move out of this country once I finish college or my time in the Peace Corps, assuming that happens. But I don't know. I'm not sure if any other place is too much better. People on a whole are corrupt, why should it change if I'm not living in America?

goodness gracious

I just watched the mock SNL VP debate (finally) on nbc.com. Then I looked at the comments and most of them were super intense political ones. All I could think was, "but dude, that clip was friggin' hilarious, who cares what you think about the candidates?"

I'm so articulate. Really all I have to say right now is that the bailout is needed, because the market won't fix itself (as shown by Herbert Hoover's actions during the 1930s). Also regulation is needed because it is obvious that deregulation has never worked (failing twice now) and never will work.

Furthermore, the plan to buy all the mortgages of the common people and refinance the mortgages is one of the worst I have ever heard and makes absolutely no sense to me.

I am so liberal. It's ironic that I think socialized medicine is an awful plan.

ugh.

It's finally my senior year, and it's no different than any other. If anything, it's been worse. I haven't done anything for college really, so yeah, I'm going to university next year. If I ever get my act together. And it's not even being lazy that's my problem, I'm just plain apathetic. I don't care. But I wish I did. I've basically convinced myself I won't get into my first choice school (though I won't know how well I have unless I get rejected) and it's just absurd. I have good enough grades and test scores, I wish I could just be like, "You should let me into your school." And that be the end. Why have to describe some experience that might mean nothing to me in 20 years in an effort to convey my originality and personality. I'm 16 years old, almost 17, how original can I be? Most of the experiences I've had are common experiences, not something life-shattering. How am I supposed to convey that I deserve to go to a school?

And it's not only that. Columbia is my first choice school, right? I wish I could convey the feeling I had when I visited. I fell in love. I didn't go there expecting that. I went expecting it to be nice, to be in the city, to be prestigious. I fell in love with their program of studies, with their emphasis on reading, with the school itself. And if I don't get in, no matter how much I have convinced myself otherwise, it will hurt. I'll go to another school, but it most likely won't be one I love. And this, I suppose, is why I'm apathetic. I'm afraid.

Afraid of what the answers will be when I send in that essay and tell my school were to send my transcripts, tell the test websites who to give my scores to. The finality of those actions is frightening. And I am beyond scared, I am terrified.

Thinking about this makes me a nervous wreck. Thinking about how much my classes this year affect things make me more of a nervous wreck. AP English IV is going to ruin my life. And it's most likely my fault, but I never said I was a decent writer.

look at

how cliched i can be:

now the heart beating in my chest
feels emptier with every breath
as my lungs cave in
knowing i will never see you again

what a melodramatic malady
teenage tears and such ambidextrous apologies
for every bit of false hope you gave
i will take it too the grave
take them to the grave
those final words you said to me
in that ultimate hypocrisy
there is nothing more true than that

---
and after that point i go on and on about some other matter and i don't understand my train of thought or remember writing those words.

i hate mondays.

find me somewhere safe to hide
treason is within my reach
i am too tired to sleep
hold me while i finish this drink
every word is a tiny lie
whispering that i am fine
hopefully they believe it too
i can't forget anything, anything now
trying my hardest you won't break down
blood spills and i cry out
i've never wanted so much to die.

----

i've got more inarticulate apologies in me than will ever get out. every single thought is a question of whether you would try. i am so tired of thinking too much into every detail, forgetting every thing i must do. i would give everything up for too little. i know it. this obsession must stop. at least this year. one more to go, and i will still have work, and be even more alone. is there something broken? sometimes i fear it is me. i am sick of these thoughts in my head. when i don't sleep i rant and rave. only to my computer. i procrastinate then hate myself for it. there are no excuses. i miss who i thought i was.

sorry

i'm waiting for an exit
find me behind those trees
i don't want to be seen in your company
i miss the silence of our goodbyes
there is nothing left to be seen
secrets not lies behind those shadowed eyes
too tired to play this game
sorry i could not be there before
sorry i'm not here anymore


---------

i wish i could turn back time. I feel so useless now, faced with what I know. And I regret it, but I can't change what was done. I am sorry. I wish I knew what I was apologizing for.

home

Is where I am.
After a sojourn in Maine, working at my favorite camp ever. It was good, but I just got home and am still tired from everything. And all I wanted to do was sit and do nothing, but apparently that's not going to happen. Practice starts today, but I'm just going on a run instead. I don't want to see everyone really. Not that everyone. There are people I want to see.

I wish I had more time before school because I just want summer now, and senior year is going to be hell. Nothing else. In May, after I've taken the AP English Exam, I will be happy. Because just about everything will be done by then. Actually, my portfolio still might not be finished and I probably won't have presented my senior project. So I'll be done when I graduate and no sooner. This year is going to suck.

WHO LOVES 3OH!3?!?!?!?!1?!/?!!?!?!?!

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

they're fabulous. fo' sho'.
so hopefully i'm going to preorder "want" today or tomorrow.
it sick that they have a sign.
303 representttttt. haha.

let's drive

... to pennsylvania

listening to: playradioplay!
(obv)

Besides that, it's super windy outside today. I went to the beach, but wasn't warm enough to go in the water. Plus it's freezing here in comparison to CR! Like 20 degrees colder or something. I'll go in though, it's perfectly warm enough. I need to clean things. I bought my summer reading today, as well as the Calvin & Hobbes 10th Anniversary book, which my english teacher recommended to me for my Senior Project, which I really need to start working on.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a band w/super powers (as the main characters/protagonists), but I need a villain. Ideas? Or I need to decide to make it more of a story book or something else. I also need to talk to Maris, like crazy. Furthermore, I can never find the cable for my camera when I need to upload photos. It is most annoying. I want to just leave for Maine now, I know I'll miss everyone, but I like leaving I think. I like the feeling of packing up and having almost all I'll need in a bag. I like moving. I don't know if I'll be able to settle down when I grow up. Next week it will feel like I've been here too long. Costa Rica wasn't like that. I want to go back so badly. It already in my plans, that and possibly Spain. As well as Italy, of course.

My right leg is really sore right now, and it's upsetting because I need to run. I'm running 9.3 miles in less than two weeks (a week from this Sunday actually) and I'm not really ready. But I'll finish, so I'm not worried. I'm going to get fat though. Well, probably not since I decided to eat like a vegan (possibly vegetarian if vegan becomes too hard to maintain) at camp.

I'm tired. I still miss some kids. I want to see them. =|
Everything will resolve, I am sure. =]

TO DO LIST

- Spend time with friends before I leave, again.
- Music: make some, pick up the sax again, and work on guitar
- Surf
- Go to the beach, swim + become black (but no skin cancer thanks)
- Sleep more
- RUN

there is

So much I could write in this!
But really, I want to say that I went to Costa Rica for two weeks.
And I need a shower, ahora.
I'm probably going to talk in spanglish for the rest of my life.
Oh, dear.

gosh

I was thinking about it, and one time I had a dream that I was going to play bass for Duran Duran. And I was going to travel to Europe by car.

So maybe the other dream isn't so strange? Just way more symbolic, I suppose.

i had a dream

This was on Wednesday night/morning, just before I woke up, at 4:53, before my alarm. It was strange. There is no time frame. I am incredibly vague about some points, because I honestly am not sure whether the facts just made sense when I was thinking about it. Anyway, here it goes...

There was a balance beam, of that I am sure. It was like a birch tree, suspended 30 feet in the air (it was horizontal, obviously). I was walking on it, one foot in front of another. There were others there. The two I think were there were Lindsey and Lucas (a pair of twins that go to my school, I am not too well-acquainted with either, though Lucas is in my english class). I think Lindsey was in front of me and Lucas was behind, but I am not so sure. The figure I think was Lindsey fell (or someone fell), and someone yelled (Lucas?). And then there was an avalanche.

I missed this before. The birch was above a mountain, and to either side were spruce and pines, but I was above them. Maybe it was more than 30 feet. And somehow, for balance, I was holding onto tree branches that were sticking out towards me as I was walking. but after the avalanche, it becomes less clear. I remember the snow hurling down the mountain towards me, but below me. Then worrying about who had fallen, worrying about everything.

Then there were more people. And a white wall, it was huge. There was some sort of adult figure. Everyone was mad at me. But I don't know why. I don't think I understood in the dream either. I just knew I was wrong, and they had reasons, I think. At some point, possibly before the anger, I saw Kenny lurking/walking around, near the edge of the wall. I did not speak to him, but this is one part of the dream I am sure of.

Then, and this is a possibility, I may have talked to Graichen. I was by myself and someone came up to me, I think it was him. We talked, he was more exasperated than angry and I think he called me an idiot, But this I am not so sure of. But then I was going to sleep outside (which is weird, was I inside then, next to a massive white wall? Everything was white), and J.P. was like, "It's alright Sarah, I'll come with you." So for some inane reason I had to brush my teeth, so I go to the bathroom, and we know the light is out, so J.P. comes in with this massive light bulb, not incandescent or anything, just about 9 inches tall. He proceeds to try to replace the lightbulb, in a room that is inexplicably well lit. The bulb breaks though, J.P. dropped it. But "It's alright," I say, "I'll use the other bathroom." So I leave that one and walk to the next room over, which contains a bathroom that was strangely familiar yet I can no longer place. And then I woke up.


------
Possibly the strangest dream I have ever had. I don't understand it. So many of the details are incredibly unclear. I don't think I make much sense in the telling of it. Sorry.

dude

If I ever have kids, they are going to be up to date on their vaccinations. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I think it is illogical to not vaccinate your child if there is no medical reason not to do so. Who knows where they will go and what they will be doing in the future? Who knows if a neighbors kid (or the neighbor) is going to come back with some disease that you happened to not get your child vaccinated for because you thought vaccinations would give them autism? (Which, there is not a proven link to and the theory was brought to the public by a statement that was unproved at the time and roughly quoting Time Magazine "retracted by 10 of the 12 people who made it". I think, because I left the magazine downstairs. Also, mercury in vaccinations was once thought of as a cause (and still is?) but mercury was taken out of all but the flu vaccination and autism levels have not dropped.) End of story: vaccinate (or die)!

I don't really have a strong opinion on chicken pox vaccinations, because it won't kill you. But personally (as a teenager), I am very happy never to have had it and hopefully to never have it, because I was (dun dun dun!) vaccinated! (gasp).

Anyway, I read the cover story of this weeks time and it just made me angry. Because if there is a way to prevent a child from being sick, even if the likelihood of the child contracting the disease is incredibly low, it doesn't make sense to me not to use that solution.

how how how

there's so much i could talk about.
how i have scrapes from going down a tube slide at high speeds.
how i now own a tie dye shirt that is completely awesome.
how my friend and i were pretty much ditched,
had another friend drive forever basically to bring us home,
and then had an awesome time.
how i played frisbee barefoot for the first time,
and worried about glass in the park
and stood still looking for an open safety pin on the ground
how i threw a rock at my friend with my foot
because he was throwing rocks in my general direction.
(i hit him though).
how all my teachers decide now is a good time to assign things.
how i am going to fail english. ma quello e` non vero.
how i wish i knew more italian.
how i am said that i am probably going to miss seeing one of my best friends graduate
but am incredibly excited to go to costa rica.
how i sort of failed at sailing today
but we won and had our first home match
how this kid ate the brownie i was specifically saving for myself
how i am so stressed
but feel incredibly content in writing all this
how i never do my homework
and subsequently am going to fail english.
how i have to research literature using martyrs and revolutionists
(when i really wanted to study afghanistan's history)
how i really wish i knew where i was going in life.
how ridiculous this list is.
how i'm learning how to play guitar, sort of.


quello e` tutti del lo. il mio italiano e` cattivo, mi dispiace.
that is all of it.

when i checked that in google translate to make sure it made a little sense, it told me that "il mio italiano e` cattivo" meant "my english is bad". yet when i translate "my italian is bad" from english to italian, it totally give me what i wrote. lame.

i miss everything

Today I had an absolutely horrid time at sailing.
It sucked.
I could barely manage.

But what could I have been doing instead?
PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE.
What could be better?

I just can't deal with this.
No more sailing on Mondays for me, just frisbee.
For realz.

dude

Madonna's new single, 4 Minutes is just sort of upsetting. The song is pretty awful and the video itself is just lame. I mean, Hannah Montana's spoof on it is better. Mainly because Miss Cyrus's has some sick break dancing. But seriously.