i bought enigmatic heart's ep and so should you.

i'm bored.
i'm so excited for january 20th.
and the end of february, around the 23rd i think.
it's going to be excellent.
i love the word excellent, seriously.

oh i went to swim practice this morning and didn't really do much, but amanda was working with a little kid on his freestyle, and our coach came up and he was like "your mom says you can stay another hour, do you want to?" (obviously, he was going to leave, he was really little) and he was like "i want to stay."

that was super.

sing

every day is a blank page
watch me rearrange the world
i can try, i can try
every moment a blank slate

let me make a change,
i can try, i can try
every sound in my mind
out loud, in rhyme

wipe away tears,
come on and care,
a rainbow of color, in every smile
i can try, i can try

everyday is a blank page
watch me make change
i can try, i can try
i can try, i can try
i can try.

---

Everyone can make a difference. Simple things are worth as much as anything else.

mm.

music: bulls make money, bears make money, pigs get slaughtered - chiodos


come on and hold me still

i'm a creep.

christmas!

Christmas has come and gone, and Santa (aka my parents) was good to me this year. =] Among other things I got a sweet mug, that has the Earth on it. And when you put coffee or whatever in it, the ice caps melt and the Earth starts to disappear! Sick, right?

Anyway, I spent some time visiting my cousins in New Jersey, and then in New York. NJ is where most of my Dad's family lives, while upstate NY is my mom's. On my dad's side there isn't anyone near my age. But my cousin's son Nick is so cute. He has the same birthday as me, which is pretty sweet.



So that was good, he got a light saber for Christmas from someone, maybe my family, and this is what he told me: "You have to be fast on your feet to be a jedi master!" He's 5. And I just made myself really sad. Oops. =/
But that visit was good. My aunt Ronnie was there for the first time in years, which means that whenever someone opens something they need to stop and show her, and explain if applicable.

In New York, we arrived Christmas Eve, no one was there. Christmas day, my brother and I sat around the house waiting for everyone to arrive. See, they were at home opening their presents. Yippee. There was no wireless internet without a password around either, so I couldn't get on the internet. =(

That evening I saw Superbad though, finally. It was decent. Maybe a little better than decent, but I just sort of hate movies I think if they're not animated. It really varies. Then yesterday I went to the movies with my cousins. We saw Walk Hard, and it was sort of disappointing. Oh well. I got a cute bag from my cousin, or technically my aunt, from a craft fair or something at URI when she went to visit. It was a rice bag originally, now it's this:


Anyway, to wrap it up, tonight I saw the Simpson's Movie and it was good as far as I'm concerned. I sort of love Bone Palace Ballet right now, it's excellent.

I'm off to watch Law & Order: CI. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! =]

today was a good day for blogging

Beyond the Moon

In the rain, you lied
I know.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.
I gave up this.
You wanted to leave.
Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.

Go, I know
You will not stay
Beyond the sun, the clouds I cannot see
Reality is beyond me.
And so, we part,
I know I have an empty heart.
There is no pain, no loss
Every song is a breaking heart
But mine is fine.

The wind is howling.
Trees bend in the breeze.
Do you know your limits?
I call and you seize.
Still, still, still.
Still, still, still.
Stiff as a brick,
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
So we call into the night.

Blasting beats, heavy drum beats.
Pound through your ears.
Moving in time.
We are so alive.
It’s the same, what you said.
Nothing was right before,
Nothing is right, anymore.

Leave, leave, leave.
Leave, leave, leave.


----
I need to learn how to not overanalyze things. =/ And deal.
Oh well.

i'm boring

plastic. i have a big nose. sweet.

everything will end someday

Is it weird that I could make a long list of things i like? Or that I can try to describe myself in paragraphs that I don't know are true? Because I've never met myself. I have no understanding of how my actions are viewed by other people. On a small scale, people's reactions can tell me that, but really I don't know.
I feel like people describing themselves is somewhat of an impossible thing. You get to know people by talking and acting with them, not by reading lists of their favorite things and what they think of themselves and how they act. It's not real. Not most of the time anyway. People can easily convey their own desires, I suppose, and that can in turn, tell you a lot about a person. But really, talking is probably the best way.
This is my brief rant on why the internet is so shallow and superficial. Except for the fact that I found a friend on it. I'm a hypocrite just about 24/7 it seems at times. But I digress.

---
I think I'm going to see Cobra Starship w/Metro Station, We the Kings and the Cab in January! Yippee! So that's exciting.
Plus, I got a macbook today. Excellence.
It's really a mixed bag that I'm never home on Christmas. On one hand, I get to open my presents early, on the other, I'm never home on Christmas, and as such never get to open presents on Christmas morning. Maybe that doesn't make sense... But it does to me.

this makes me feel like this: =S

there are one too many days left 'till it's summer and we're at rest
sands dripping slowly through that hourglass;
another hour, my mind's not on class
the bell rings and you hear screams, it's a joy to be back home
i've missed these simple things, school bells and vacations
off galavanting, looking for what i couldn't find back here
turns out what i couldn't find, was hiding right before my very eyes
i've never known what love is, will you teach me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
escaping algebra with heart strewn across my paper,
can't concentrate with your words running through my head
i used to wish for anywhere but here,
now it's anywhere you're near
infatuation, but it's more, something i've not felt before
i've never know what love is, will you show me how it feels?
i can't believe my luck, will you tell me this is real?
well i can't believe my luck, my feelings are all running amuck
and now I know, now I know, now I know what I couldn't find
was love.

--short.

i like this, sort of. but it makes me feel like chan. =/ not half as sappy, but still. ew.

stupid

so everything adds up
to something we can't trust?
trying to understand
what can't be held in our hands.
there is pride in the past
what you've done? it won't last.
we are pessimists at heart
throwing away what we're given
pushing away those trying to save us
the only saving I need,
is from myself
let's go, I know it's not my problem
you've got that smile on
that says you're better than me
well maybe you're complete
but if you're not careful
you're going to be broken
this isn't my problem, i know
so let's go
we're leaving this party
and splitting this scene
[as we should be]

progress/regress?

i'm on an underoath binge. everything i have by them on shuffle. i don't know what i'm doing with my life, except procrastinating. i am up too late. i am ending this.

forward, not back

there is sadness in your smile
that wasn't there before
i know it will take a while
there was nothing more we could've done
you hold onto the ones you love
as you should,
we can quote death cab
and we can cry
there is nothing we can say
but we can try to heal
yeah we can heal
the past is the past, you can't have it back
we knew this was coming
but we never truly knew what it would mean
and so it seems
that we need to try
to get our lives together
and remember what there is to remember
never forget this past,
but move forward, not back
it's sad but let's move on
all hope isn't gone
all things will come to pass
even if some come too fast
i know that it is hard,
you're not alone remember that
please remember that
i'm trying to get to you
it's all that i feel i can do
everything will come together
everything will get better
time will heal these open wounds
things will not seem so bad
i know that you still are sad
and so am i,
we have to try to heal
through tears and pain
it will be alright
and we will move on
put our lives together
remember what there is to remember
never forget the past,
and move forward, not back.


__________

=|

i hate this time of night.

i have so much to say
to everyone i know, everything i feel
i feel so much
and if i said, everything i could
where would i be?
would you still like me?
because i do not know
and fear fills me up inside
this is dread--i cannot hide
there is no escaping my own mind
and i want to talk about it
my fear comes from the very thing
i want to say this and that
i take things to seriously
i over interpret everything
i want you to love me for me
i don't know where these words come from
tears are falling from my eyes
i am sick of not knowing what to say
when all the words in my head are arranged
forming sentences and words
that you would hear, you could hear
if i told you...
but i am filled with fear
your voice is so near
i am overwhelmed
i am overwhelmed
keep talking so i do not have to speak
i fear this moment,
will i be well received?
i want to know how you will respond
to what i say before i say it.
and then i could tailor my words
to the reaction i want
not have this dread, that keeps me from saying everything
i over think everything,
take in attention, i just want affection
i don't know where I'm going with this
i have so much to say
to everyone i know, every though in my mind
i could talk for days, trying to explain
i would never finish
but I'm scared, how would it fair?
i am filled with fear--i cannot hide
there is no escaping, this is my mind
forgive me i babble,
I'm trying not to hit anything too important
while I'm talking,
in case anything should slip
that i would rather not be heard
because i fear my words
would be taken the wrong way
you do not know. you do not know,
i have so much to say.

-------
I feel like shit.

ayyy

the best thing was said to me today:
"spandex are a privilege, not a right."
or something along those lines, by this kid i barely know whose name is Drew. amazingness fer sureee.

THIS IS NOT TRUE

you will come down soon too
you will come down too soon


i hate not knowing what to say, i hate silence. i hate the not knowing more. i'm sick of listening to my own voice. i'm sick of people listening to me. sing me a song and it will make everything all right. i just want everything to be all right. Maybe someday we will be. i miss happy endings. these things are never ending. we have gone too far to turn around. we have gone too far. i missed. this is not the time to say these words spilling from my mouth. nothing right has ever come out. i was trying to be hiding in my silence. i broke it, this is timeless. i promised to tell everything when the time is right. the time will never be right, you know. this is the best i have ever been. and the worst i have ever been. there is no inbetween, no happy medium. i lost everything and gained all i knew. one fell swoop. so cliche. how i never know the right words to say. there is no idea, no golden thought, that will allow me to continue on. i'm hanging on with all i've got. everything will be all right some time i pray. it's to much for me to say. silence suffocating me down. tieing me to the ground. static and immobile. these hopes are futile. there is no escape from the silence i've made. no escape from the sound. contradict everything, this is nothing but a dream. i've hoped to see it all. this is all i've seen. destruction and disaster. lies and laughter. hidden meaning i will never know. i am never told. we fight this war until we grow old and brittle. old and bitter. the hate corrodes our insides. rusted metal grating at our minds. leaving the past behind. we will all die.


-----
today was decent.

work = results, lazy = nothing

I should do something rather than procrastinate so much. Like learn the languages I love. Every single one of them. And get the scanner hooked up to the mac. Pen in my drawings. Read more. Do homework on time. Run all the time. Swim all the time. Everything I say I would like to do. It's stupid. But I never get anything done. Oh, and practice bass, which is becoming a reality. All-state will be the death of me. But it's something better than being boring.

Agh. I hate notes for modern euro and my inability to be productive while on a computer w/the internet. >0

there is no finale

we tried the best we could
i never knew what i knew i should
but everything is the past
the future is coming fast
these sounds fill me with emotions
i can not explain
no words to give a name
failing me for now
words & sounds at once
will you join me?
i know i am not the best
i know that i am a mess
i am giving you a chance, a choice
if i asked you, would you dance with me?
me and my two left feet?
oh, i'm always waiting for a 'no'
i don't know what to believe
people on tv, tell me things i need
i don't need you.
maybe i do. maybe i don't.
deciding things for me.
this world is beyond me
i am trailing behind, a relic,
lost in my own mind
is this for real?
i never knew what to feel, when
you said 'i love you'
it wasn't a conclusion, ever.
i miss you, never.
beginning at the ending,
i have no more problems,
there is no feeling in my words
the sounds i hear, filling the air
emotions i can't explain
while words fail me
and i shake shake shake
on my own, i am filled with feeling
this is nothing real
i can tell you this
i can't tell you this
there was never anything to miss
this is true
i watched everything and talked talked talked
to hear my voice and not hear silence
that would tell me the truths
i did not want to hear anything
but myself
because listening is so difficult
and every thought has a violent need
to be screamed
i hide and hide, silence can be my disguise
there is nothing to say
there is everything to say
i am not finished, i am not done
there is no finale.

ah ha!

So today, I'm walking/sprinting to my first class and see Kate A. who waves me over and points to her mouth were there is an amazing green lip ring. Unfortunately, it's not real, but it was incredibly cool. And I saw Kara and Kainoa on my run which was pretty swell. =0

I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I need to get cracking on that robot costume if that's what I want to be. I'll probably just put on ridiculous clothes and too much make-up and say I'm something random. It doesn't really matter. I swear I'm going to go trick-or-treating forever.

I want this shirt:

uh

So I have a small obsession with French bands. It's all good though.

let's see

I totally respect Radiohead. Their new cd can only be downloaded from their site. You choose the price. And that officially makes me feel far to guilty to try to download it without paying anything. The price is in UK pounds though. And a dollar is like .48 pounds. Which sort of sucks. But, oh well. Besides fixing our economy and national debt, there's not much I can do. ;)

buy me this.
(for girls though)
i will love you forever.