repeat.

Listen to these lies
This never ending pattern of replies
I've heard it before, heard nothing more
This constant insanity

It's always goodbye
Always the same old song
Always you've done wrong again.
All over again.

Wishing and dreaming that something could change
Something would change
It was never enough
There is never enough to work

And we say the words
as well rehearsed lines
Every emotion perfected and every look just right
All the stage cues performed at exactly the right time

All of this was never going to work
Better at fighting then getting along
From the beginning this was all wrong
This was never a good choice

So we repeat the words
So well rehearsed and familiar
It was always this way
And it is always the same
These fights will never go away.


---------

Everything I write is exactly the same. Except some of the earlier stuff when I was a fucking mess. I need to work on it.

boredom!

You Were Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

You can judge for yourself, but I think that description is surprisingly good. Except shining in social situations. No way.

You are 47% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

hahaha =O

oh no.

there is less than a week until school starts. =( ick.

jebediah the fish and the angry biker!

I copied this from Kara's lj , because this is what I did last night after going to Pizza Place then DQ with Kara, her mom and a bunch of other people that I could list but am not going to. It's pretty sweet (edit - i think it's sweet because i made it), and where it says 'Sarah', that's me.

Tonight at youth we created a story, of sorts.
(And by 'we', I'm mean Sarah and I. And I guess Jess contributed with the storyline a little. But mainly Sarah. I give her the credit.)
We found some little religious foam cutouts ("Jesus Pieces") in the cabinet at church and decided to do arts and crafts while listening to some Anberlin and a lil' Family Force 5.
Here's the rest...
Enjoy! (Or, don't. Because I'm not sure I would. Haha.)











He's rockin' the NSYNC tee shirt.



Fin.

----------------------Back to me.

If it's tough to read some things, sorry I had to make the pictures smaller so they would fit without being cut off. I'm off for a run!

joy.

All those false words of sympathy
Held up with melodies of misery
All I wanted was to not be forgotten.
But we forget.
Nothing more, nothing less.

----------

The facts compel this conclusion
Lies holding up an illusion of democracy
An illusion of idiocy--wait, that's real.

-------------

Are we strangers in a strange strange land?
never understanding all these worthless plans
waiting for answers but just standing around
the flowers looked beautiful but now they're dead
and the ground is cold

we lost our map ages ago
now wanderers lost on this empty plain
stragglers driving through the rain
don't know where we're going,
but we'll find out when we get there

----------------

nothing's making sense
these incoherent thoughts are a mess
i miss these ease with which i used to write
words flowing freely from a pen (keyboard)
and now it's this chopped up mess
going from fear of being forgotten
to democracy to wandering
i miss everything. =/

maybe

I'm not sure if I should write so much. It's a self-destructive habit at times. =/ But whatever. I ran through a cemetery today, it lets me dwell on our own mortality. =/ But no, cemeteries are really quiet, but I hate running by mausoleums, because they're creepy.

The end.

=/

uh. hey.

So I saw some of Little Miss Sunshine yesterday. Most of the end anyway. And it's funny, my cousin said she didn't get it at all that it was weird. It was weird, but that's the point. I told her it all boiled down to the little speech about life being a beauty pageant, which may or may not be true. But it's a good movie even if it is weird, it's sad and funny and sort of awful but not really. And it's a little like life, which is always a good thing. Though perhaps not. I'm not sure about anything, but I've done more this week after getting home then I did most of last summer after camp I'm pretty sure. =/

home again

I've returned from Colorado after an eventful shit-show of a trip, and while I'm happy to be home, as of yet, the company was more exciting back there.

Anyway, it feels good to be back, I'm working my way through Harry Potter and just hanging around, but I have to go call someone and learn how to sail spinnaker. =0

oh dear

this is the fourth post in the last few hours but the song "girl anachronism" by the dresden dolls pretty much completes me, although i don't feel out of this time period, just a mess.

tell me i'm wrong, please

the internal bleeding is not so obvious
as the bullet holes are
but regret is filling this heart
regret is nothing to me anymore
those pretty pictures, perfectly complementing
your perfect frame, your perfect face
shattered away now

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because

this was the end
this is the end
call 911 i think this is an emergency
but it's too late to save this kid
so constantly late, never ontime
always rushing in 'sorry, sorry'
sometimes it's fine but not now

the internal bleeding isn't as obvious
as the bullet holes are
but you broke all the mirrors
so you'd never have to see yourself again
well you'll never have to see yourself again
just a memory of everything i knew
everything that ever mattered to you
and nothing ever did

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because
just because, just because


------

i'm so damn depressing. sorry.

& this too

i will take all i can and give nothing back
so forget me because this is nothing but an act

-----the end.

oh it's nothing

i know nothing about things like this
but i don't want it to end this way.

could you forgive me?
-------

Colorado in a few days! Can you say psyched?!
I'm a little nervous for the altitude though, but I figure I can handle it.

i should be sleeping

Does what one do in high school correlate at all to what they end up doing/existing as/being?

Because, theoretically, anyone could become whatever they wanted no matter what they did in high school. Which I am proud to be half-way done with.

The world is such a fuck-up. We're wasting our resources, swindling oil and charging billions a barrel. Oh, people are dying and politicians are lying, but what does anyone care? Caught up in the microcosms of their own life, which if applied to the real world exist in strange parallels. If you know what I mean.

Interestingly, and I've shared this with many people, the acronym for Global War on Terror is GWOT. Also pronounce jee-waht. There is a certain word that means religious war in Islam, jihad (jee-hahd). You might not see it, but those words are strangely close.

The Global War on Terror is a farce. I'm such a liberal.

fakes fakes fakes

see the plastic sun
shining down so real so bright
it's all a lie, we all are lies
carefully crafted, well working disguises.
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is nothing but a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we all can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes
all these stereotypes surround
let's just listen to them, listen to them
point and stare into the crowd
pretend we know you, we've never met you
we're gonna judge you, discriminate you, segregate you
group by group
because we have nothing better to do
there is no such thing as peace
humans have clearly shown
fighting over problems so meaningless and well-known
where else can we go?
we judge and judge and judge
then wonder why people hate
stereotype and stereotype
wonder why people still discriminate
there is nothing in this world (country) that is free
not even your speech
oh where war is more important than the homefront
let's start some protests and do something good
there is nothing to say that hasn't already been said
this war on terror is only an acronym
and freedom is our latest sin, our latest sin
careless less and misguided this world isn't kind-less
just misled, by all the things our leaders have said
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is just a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes

------

forgive the essay.

give me feeling

i feel like a wreck. i don't know why. there's no good reason. school is practically over except for an exam in health and an assignment in jazz band.

i'm just anxious. incredibly anxious. i really don't know what's going on. i sort of gave up my livejournal, i like this better. practically no one sees this at least. no one really saw my lj either though. just kara and michaela and michaela. =/
i'm sick of just being here sort of. i feel like i need to do something, take action but i really don't know what for or why. i'm not really in the right mood for writing right now, and i should be copying my brochure in pen (for jazz band) but i'm too hyped up. i'm not looking forward to my health exam because i lost the review sheet and now am going to have to borrow someone's like 5 seconds before the exam begins to memorize the muscles and the bones. the bones shouldn't be hard, but the muscles...agh.
i miss classes being interesting and engaging. shouldn't school be like that? i miss being able to write decent poetry and crap too. i have the emotions but not the words. sometimes less than that even. it's depressing.
i've given up capitalizing things. pretty much, if i don't have to i don't. i think i should transfer it into my handwriting to, so teachers can get pissed at me when i hand written work in. that sounds fun.
i miss caring about a lot of things that i should care for, when i care far too much for things i shouldn't. i'm still trying to please people way to much, to live up to their expectations. act how they think i should act. i'm just so scared of not being accepted i guess. which is a little ridiculous because right now i'm pretty sure i have more friends who would be willing to spend time with me than ever. but i just can't shake the feeling that they'll all leave and i'll be left alone.
so that's the first time i've put down those fears in a while. and the first in this blog. now i don't feel anxious, just nervous and sad. i'm not sure whether it's an improvement.

oh this is a disease

it's too late for crying
all the mourners have gone home
i'm listening to you sighing
this grave feels like my own
i'm sick of you telling me
'this is the way things should be'
i'm sick of you telling me
'i'm sorry, i have to leave'
good-bye

the piano was playing a melody
of sadness and despair
last time i saw you there
the last time i tried to care

tapping on the keys
white and black white and black
the night was freezing cold,
and you never looked back
(i was hoping you'd look back)

forget me i was crying
forgive me i was lying
about everything
about you
this world is getting colder
as we grow older in each passing moment
i'm not sure why i tried

agh.

I feel far too stressed right now. I guess it's a combination of a cold/allergies, lack of sleep, approaching exams and stuff. But really. School's almost over I should not be this ridiculously stressed feeling.
I hate scheduling stuff for next year, because the classes I want are never where I want them to be. Today I was shunted out of Modern Euro AP because there isn't another Physics I Honors class 1st semester and I need physics to take AP Biology 2. I could have taken normal physics instead of taking consumer ec. and musical theatre (which I'm still not sure what that exactly is) but I don't want to be in a college prep (the normal level) class. On the other hand, the main reason there aren't that many Physics honors classes is because my grade was instructed to take Chemistry after Conceptual Physics rather than Biology, which used to be taken after freshman science, or in some cases as a freshman. Conceptual Physics was new for freshman when I entered high school I think. Regardless, the main problem is that now all the honors students who took Chem Honors this year, are now taking Bio Honors next year instead of Physics, creating less of a need for Physics Honors classes. And effectively forcing me to give up Modern Euro AP until senior year, which will only keep me from taking another class that I might have wanted.
For the record, Biology is listed as a prerequisite for Chemistry on the class listing online (yet a good portion of my class will be taking Biology next year, after completing Chem I).
Agh. =/

those words-they meant everything to me,
too bad they meant nothing to you
so laugh tell me all that's gone wrong
there is nothing left to see
everyone is packing up and leaving
you can take the last train home
but this city is all i know
i won't be leaving here now
and the train is pulling away from the station
then disappearing into the sun so far away
---------

i gave up before writing anything else. =/

well

I just don't know.
It's so ridiculous how everything matters so much right now.
But it won't in a few years.
It won't months from now, perhaps.
But right now, at this very moment, it's all I have.
I hate that.
And I stress over all these things
that will fall apart and break,
corode away like rust over time
and i might be fine someday


agh. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm so worried and stressed and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this nervous tension that is running through my brain I just can't deal. I'm going. Gone.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die

I hear cellos too.

There is so much I could say, but that sums up what I feel like. If you have not read the wonderful book by David Crowder and Mike Hogan that is the title of this post, I strongly recommend it. And apologies to the authors of said book for sort of but not really citing their book as the source for the cello thing.