oh dear

this is the fourth post in the last few hours but the song "girl anachronism" by the dresden dolls pretty much completes me, although i don't feel out of this time period, just a mess.

tell me i'm wrong, please

the internal bleeding is not so obvious
as the bullet holes are
but regret is filling this heart
regret is nothing to me anymore
those pretty pictures, perfectly complementing
your perfect frame, your perfect face
shattered away now

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because

this was the end
this is the end
call 911 i think this is an emergency
but it's too late to save this kid
so constantly late, never ontime
always rushing in 'sorry, sorry'
sometimes it's fine but not now

the internal bleeding isn't as obvious
as the bullet holes are
but you broke all the mirrors
so you'd never have to see yourself again
well you'll never have to see yourself again
just a memory of everything i knew
everything that ever mattered to you
and nothing ever did

broke all those mirrors
so you'd never see yourself again
and beat you up for all those cruel words
brought a gun just because
just because, just because


------

i'm so damn depressing. sorry.

& this too

i will take all i can and give nothing back
so forget me because this is nothing but an act

-----the end.

oh it's nothing

i know nothing about things like this
but i don't want it to end this way.

could you forgive me?
-------

Colorado in a few days! Can you say psyched?!
I'm a little nervous for the altitude though, but I figure I can handle it.

i should be sleeping

Does what one do in high school correlate at all to what they end up doing/existing as/being?

Because, theoretically, anyone could become whatever they wanted no matter what they did in high school. Which I am proud to be half-way done with.

The world is such a fuck-up. We're wasting our resources, swindling oil and charging billions a barrel. Oh, people are dying and politicians are lying, but what does anyone care? Caught up in the microcosms of their own life, which if applied to the real world exist in strange parallels. If you know what I mean.

Interestingly, and I've shared this with many people, the acronym for Global War on Terror is GWOT. Also pronounce jee-waht. There is a certain word that means religious war in Islam, jihad (jee-hahd). You might not see it, but those words are strangely close.

The Global War on Terror is a farce. I'm such a liberal.

fakes fakes fakes

see the plastic sun
shining down so real so bright
it's all a lie, we all are lies
carefully crafted, well working disguises.
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is nothing but a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we all can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes
all these stereotypes surround
let's just listen to them, listen to them
point and stare into the crowd
pretend we know you, we've never met you
we're gonna judge you, discriminate you, segregate you
group by group
because we have nothing better to do
there is no such thing as peace
humans have clearly shown
fighting over problems so meaningless and well-known
where else can we go?
we judge and judge and judge
then wonder why people hate
stereotype and stereotype
wonder why people still discriminate
there is nothing in this world (country) that is free
not even your speech
oh where war is more important than the homefront
let's start some protests and do something good
there is nothing to say that hasn't already been said
this war on terror is only an acronym
and freedom is our latest sin, our latest sin
careless less and misguided this world isn't kind-less
just misled, by all the things our leaders have said
there is nothing new to us
there is nothing new to you
this is just a means to an end
nothing more nothing less
oh we can believe
something real and complete
but it doesn't make it more real than we are
and we are fakes

------

forgive the essay.

give me feeling

i feel like a wreck. i don't know why. there's no good reason. school is practically over except for an exam in health and an assignment in jazz band.

i'm just anxious. incredibly anxious. i really don't know what's going on. i sort of gave up my livejournal, i like this better. practically no one sees this at least. no one really saw my lj either though. just kara and michaela and michaela. =/
i'm sick of just being here sort of. i feel like i need to do something, take action but i really don't know what for or why. i'm not really in the right mood for writing right now, and i should be copying my brochure in pen (for jazz band) but i'm too hyped up. i'm not looking forward to my health exam because i lost the review sheet and now am going to have to borrow someone's like 5 seconds before the exam begins to memorize the muscles and the bones. the bones shouldn't be hard, but the muscles...agh.
i miss classes being interesting and engaging. shouldn't school be like that? i miss being able to write decent poetry and crap too. i have the emotions but not the words. sometimes less than that even. it's depressing.
i've given up capitalizing things. pretty much, if i don't have to i don't. i think i should transfer it into my handwriting to, so teachers can get pissed at me when i hand written work in. that sounds fun.
i miss caring about a lot of things that i should care for, when i care far too much for things i shouldn't. i'm still trying to please people way to much, to live up to their expectations. act how they think i should act. i'm just so scared of not being accepted i guess. which is a little ridiculous because right now i'm pretty sure i have more friends who would be willing to spend time with me than ever. but i just can't shake the feeling that they'll all leave and i'll be left alone.
so that's the first time i've put down those fears in a while. and the first in this blog. now i don't feel anxious, just nervous and sad. i'm not sure whether it's an improvement.

oh this is a disease

it's too late for crying
all the mourners have gone home
i'm listening to you sighing
this grave feels like my own
i'm sick of you telling me
'this is the way things should be'
i'm sick of you telling me
'i'm sorry, i have to leave'
good-bye

the piano was playing a melody
of sadness and despair
last time i saw you there
the last time i tried to care

tapping on the keys
white and black white and black
the night was freezing cold,
and you never looked back
(i was hoping you'd look back)

forget me i was crying
forgive me i was lying
about everything
about you
this world is getting colder
as we grow older in each passing moment
i'm not sure why i tried

agh.

I feel far too stressed right now. I guess it's a combination of a cold/allergies, lack of sleep, approaching exams and stuff. But really. School's almost over I should not be this ridiculously stressed feeling.
I hate scheduling stuff for next year, because the classes I want are never where I want them to be. Today I was shunted out of Modern Euro AP because there isn't another Physics I Honors class 1st semester and I need physics to take AP Biology 2. I could have taken normal physics instead of taking consumer ec. and musical theatre (which I'm still not sure what that exactly is) but I don't want to be in a college prep (the normal level) class. On the other hand, the main reason there aren't that many Physics honors classes is because my grade was instructed to take Chemistry after Conceptual Physics rather than Biology, which used to be taken after freshman science, or in some cases as a freshman. Conceptual Physics was new for freshman when I entered high school I think. Regardless, the main problem is that now all the honors students who took Chem Honors this year, are now taking Bio Honors next year instead of Physics, creating less of a need for Physics Honors classes. And effectively forcing me to give up Modern Euro AP until senior year, which will only keep me from taking another class that I might have wanted.
For the record, Biology is listed as a prerequisite for Chemistry on the class listing online (yet a good portion of my class will be taking Biology next year, after completing Chem I).
Agh. =/

those words-they meant everything to me,
too bad they meant nothing to you
so laugh tell me all that's gone wrong
there is nothing left to see
everyone is packing up and leaving
you can take the last train home
but this city is all i know
i won't be leaving here now
and the train is pulling away from the station
then disappearing into the sun so far away
---------

i gave up before writing anything else. =/

well

I just don't know.
It's so ridiculous how everything matters so much right now.
But it won't in a few years.
It won't months from now, perhaps.
But right now, at this very moment, it's all I have.
I hate that.
And I stress over all these things
that will fall apart and break,
corode away like rust over time
and i might be fine someday


agh. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm so worried and stressed and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this nervous tension that is running through my brain I just can't deal. I'm going. Gone.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die

I hear cellos too.

There is so much I could say, but that sums up what I feel like. If you have not read the wonderful book by David Crowder and Mike Hogan that is the title of this post, I strongly recommend it. And apologies to the authors of said book for sort of but not really citing their book as the source for the cello thing.

for the record

First Day of My Life isn't my favorite Bright Eyes song, but it seemed (and still does to an extent) appropriate.

yo!

this thursday (may 1st)= the almost
sweetness!
may 11 = ap exam
not so sweetness!
may 12 = jen's b-day party
sweetness!

and some other sweet stuff. i'm happy.

anxiety =/

I'm nervous. Not for anything specific, but a general nervousness. As if something is going to give soon. An anticipation of an unpleasant event. I know an unpleasant event in my future, but it's not the type to give me this churning pit in my stomach. I don't like it. =|

long time no see

So, it's friday (almost saturday), two more days of vacation left. Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to webster theatre in Hartford, to see Cute is What We Aim For, As Tall as Lions, Envy on the Coast, and Circa Survive (AP Tour). I'm super excited!
I have refound my love for the faint. (My about me is from Violent by the Faint.) And I'm very upset at Virb.com's slow speeds today. Not loading artist's music or videos (I really wanted to see Confines by PlayRadioPlay!) That was sad. Though Virb is quite fun. That's all the news I have.

Slight interlude:
Here's the music video for the name of my blog (by Bright Eyes, who else?), the lyrics are below if you'd like to look. (I love looking at lyrics.)



First Day Of My Life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

!

Well, the report card was not taken badly. It could've been worse though. I'm going to my cousin's senior exhibition tonight too! So that's good. Today has been pretty good. I still have about a million questions to answer as an analysis of a short story (Miriam by Truman Capote) and a short speech to write/formulate, but I'll manage.

Things are looking up. For a little anyway.

baddd

I'm in like the worst mood. Honestly today is not making me look forward to tomorrow. I don't want to do my english homework. I don't want to study for Italian. I don't want to worry about my impending trip upstate that was moved a day ahead due to certain circumstances. I don't want to be yelled at for the B- I have on my report card. Or for my health grade which I know is gonna suck (for the record, it is totally not my fault)! !!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$! $@!#* *%?!
mess mess mess mess

today is not helping me at all

life is literally falling apart

the only good thing is my new haircut

but honestly that's not going to make life better

i still have a billion questions to answer

and a speech to formulate

and all this shit that's never going to get done because i'm too lazy to bother and too worried and aggravated to concentrate on it and my brother's in the next room playing guitar hero without a care in the world and i'm stressing because i don't think i can handle being criticized for anything right now much less being yelled at for having a not awesome report card. biggest run on ever.

PBGRs =(

I'm going to use this post to vent against PBGRs, which if you didn't know are Proficiency Based Graduation Requirements. By the end of my high school career I need to have 48 of these rubrics with the works that go with them in an e-portfolio or I will not graduate.
Most students are unhappy with these requirements (in the form of rubrics) and I think that many adults think that this negative response is due to us (as teenagers) just not wanting to do more work. However, PBGRs are a flawed system and actual points can be made against them. Not only is it often difficult to get rubrics, I'm not sure that everyone even knows which rubrics are required. I definitely don't. This system put a lot of pressure on the students to know what is needed, and in some cases to find work that fits the requirements. I realize that this helps us think for ourselves (the school won't aways be there), but when you're already struggling with a schedule full of honors and extracurriculars it's difficult to do this. In addition, uploading PBGRs into the e-portfolio is often difficult. The main time students from my school have a chance is during their advisory block, every Wednesday, for about 40 minutes. Once a piece of work is on the computer it then has to be attached to an assignment in your e-portfolio. This is the teacher's job, they have to post assignments. I have two rubrics from English this year that are proficient. I uploaded one, went to the site, and proceeded to give up. There was nothing I could do.

I'm sick of writing about these unreasonable requirements, maybe there will be more on the continueing saga of the PBGRs, but for now it's done.

I realize my writing is ineloquent and poorly worded. To learn more [and see much better sentence structure and vocabulary] I suggest this blog: It's Our Education

first

mascara tears
you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at your mascara tears
dripping down your face

tight tight tight
clothing
hugging that androgynous body
tightly tightly tightly

do you feel like a clone
looking like those other teens
waiting for a chance
to make it big like jeffree star

is that who you are
do you wanna be a star?
is that who you are
faker faker faker

or are you real and complete
is this all you want to be
is the club beat all you need
scream scream scream

you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at those mascara tears
running down your white white face

look at you in this place
you've said the words you can't erase
with the mascara tears running down your face
but we'll tell you what you want to hear

tonight.


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