i'm waiting for an exit
find me behind those trees
i don't want to be seen in your company
i miss the silence of our goodbyes
there is nothing left to be seen
secrets not lies behind those shadowed eyes
too tired to play this game
sorry i could not be there before
sorry i'm not here anymore
---------
i wish i could turn back time. I feel so useless now, faced with what I know. And I regret it, but I can't change what was done. I am sorry. I wish I knew what I was apologizing for.
Is where I am.
After a sojourn in Maine, working at my favorite camp ever. It was good, but I just got home and am still tired from everything. And all I wanted to do was sit and do nothing, but apparently that's not going to happen. Practice starts today, but I'm just going on a run instead. I don't want to see everyone really. Not that everyone. There are people I want to see.
I wish I had more time before school because I just want summer now, and senior year is going to be hell. Nothing else. In May, after I've taken the AP English Exam, I will be happy. Because just about everything will be done by then. Actually, my portfolio still might not be finished and I probably won't have presented my senior project. So I'll be done when I graduate and no sooner. This year is going to suck.
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
they're fabulous. fo' sho'.
so hopefully i'm going to preorder "want" today or tomorrow.
it sick that they have a sign.
303 representttttt. haha.
... to pennsylvania
listening to: playradioplay!
(obv)
Besides that, it's super windy outside today. I went to the beach, but wasn't warm enough to go in the water. Plus it's freezing here in comparison to CR! Like 20 degrees colder or something. I'll go in though, it's perfectly warm enough. I need to clean things. I bought my summer reading today, as well as the Calvin & Hobbes 10th Anniversary book, which my english teacher recommended to me for my Senior Project, which I really need to start working on.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a band w/super powers (as the main characters/protagonists), but I need a villain. Ideas? Or I need to decide to make it more of a story book or something else. I also need to talk to Maris, like crazy. Furthermore, I can never find the cable for my camera when I need to upload photos. It is most annoying. I want to just leave for Maine now, I know I'll miss everyone, but I like leaving I think. I like the feeling of packing up and having almost all I'll need in a bag. I like moving. I don't know if I'll be able to settle down when I grow up. Next week it will feel like I've been here too long. Costa Rica wasn't like that. I want to go back so badly. It already in my plans, that and possibly Spain. As well as Italy, of course.
My right leg is really sore right now, and it's upsetting because I need to run. I'm running 9.3 miles in less than two weeks (a week from this Sunday actually) and I'm not really ready. But I'll finish, so I'm not worried. I'm going to get fat though. Well, probably not since I decided to eat like a vegan (possibly vegetarian if vegan becomes too hard to maintain) at camp.
I'm tired. I still miss some kids. I want to see them. =|
Everything will resolve, I am sure. =]
- Spend time with friends before I leave, again.
- Music: make some, pick up the sax again, and work on guitar
- Surf
- Go to the beach, swim + become black (but no skin cancer thanks)
- Sleep more
- RUN
So much I could write in this!
But really, I want to say that I went to Costa Rica for two weeks.
And I need a shower, ahora.
I'm probably going to talk in spanglish for the rest of my life.
Oh, dear.
I was thinking about it, and one time I had a dream that I was going to play bass for Duran Duran. And I was going to travel to Europe by car.
So maybe the other dream isn't so strange? Just way more symbolic, I suppose.
This was on Wednesday night/morning, just before I woke up, at 4:53, before my alarm. It was strange. There is no time frame. I am incredibly vague about some points, because I honestly am not sure whether the facts just made sense when I was thinking about it. Anyway, here it goes...
There was a balance beam, of that I am sure. It was like a birch tree, suspended 30 feet in the air (it was horizontal, obviously). I was walking on it, one foot in front of another. There were others there. The two I think were there were Lindsey and Lucas (a pair of twins that go to my school, I am not too well-acquainted with either, though Lucas is in my english class). I think Lindsey was in front of me and Lucas was behind, but I am not so sure. The figure I think was Lindsey fell (or someone fell), and someone yelled (Lucas?). And then there was an avalanche.
I missed this before. The birch was above a mountain, and to either side were spruce and pines, but I was above them. Maybe it was more than 30 feet. And somehow, for balance, I was holding onto tree branches that were sticking out towards me as I was walking. but after the avalanche, it becomes less clear. I remember the snow hurling down the mountain towards me, but below me. Then worrying about who had fallen, worrying about everything.
Then there were more people. And a white wall, it was huge. There was some sort of adult figure. Everyone was mad at me. But I don't know why. I don't think I understood in the dream either. I just knew I was wrong, and they had reasons, I think. At some point, possibly before the anger, I saw Kenny lurking/walking around, near the edge of the wall. I did not speak to him, but this is one part of the dream I am sure of.
Then, and this is a possibility, I may have talked to Graichen. I was by myself and someone came up to me, I think it was him. We talked, he was more exasperated than angry and I think he called me an idiot, But this I am not so sure of. But then I was going to sleep outside (which is weird, was I inside then, next to a massive white wall? Everything was white), and J.P. was like, "It's alright Sarah, I'll come with you." So for some inane reason I had to brush my teeth, so I go to the bathroom, and we know the light is out, so J.P. comes in with this massive light bulb, not incandescent or anything, just about 9 inches tall. He proceeds to try to replace the lightbulb, in a room that is inexplicably well lit. The bulb breaks though, J.P. dropped it. But "It's alright," I say, "I'll use the other bathroom." So I leave that one and walk to the next room over, which contains a bathroom that was strangely familiar yet I can no longer place. And then I woke up.
------
Possibly the strangest dream I have ever had. I don't understand it. So many of the details are incredibly unclear. I don't think I make much sense in the telling of it. Sorry.
If I ever have kids, they are going to be up to date on their vaccinations. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I think it is illogical to not vaccinate your child if there is no medical reason not to do so. Who knows where they will go and what they will be doing in the future? Who knows if a neighbors kid (or the neighbor) is going to come back with some disease that you happened to not get your child vaccinated for because you thought vaccinations would give them autism? (Which, there is not a proven link to and the theory was brought to the public by a statement that was unproved at the time and roughly quoting Time Magazine "retracted by 10 of the 12 people who made it". I think, because I left the magazine downstairs. Also, mercury in vaccinations was once thought of as a cause (and still is?) but mercury was taken out of all but the flu vaccination and autism levels have not dropped.) End of story: vaccinate (or die)!
I don't really have a strong opinion on chicken pox vaccinations, because it won't kill you. But personally (as a teenager), I am very happy never to have had it and hopefully to never have it, because I was (dun dun dun!) vaccinated! (gasp).
Anyway, I read the cover story of this weeks time and it just made me angry. Because if there is a way to prevent a child from being sick, even if the likelihood of the child contracting the disease is incredibly low, it doesn't make sense to me not to use that solution.
there's so much i could talk about.
how i have scrapes from going down a tube slide at high speeds.
how i now own a tie dye shirt that is completely awesome.
how my friend and i were pretty much ditched,
had another friend drive forever basically to bring us home,
and then had an awesome time.
how i played frisbee barefoot for the first time,
and worried about glass in the park
and stood still looking for an open safety pin on the ground
how i threw a rock at my friend with my foot
because he was throwing rocks in my general direction.
(i hit him though).
how all my teachers decide now is a good time to assign things.
how i am going to fail english. ma quello e` non vero.
how i wish i knew more italian.
how i am said that i am probably going to miss seeing one of my best friends graduate
but am incredibly excited to go to costa rica.
how i sort of failed at sailing today
but we won and had our first home match
how this kid ate the brownie i was specifically saving for myself
how i am so stressed
but feel incredibly content in writing all this
how i never do my homework
and subsequently am going to fail english.
how i have to research literature using martyrs and revolutionists
(when i really wanted to study afghanistan's history)
how i really wish i knew where i was going in life.
how ridiculous this list is.
how i'm learning how to play guitar, sort of.
quello e` tutti del lo. il mio italiano e` cattivo, mi dispiace.
that is all of it.
when i checked that in google translate to make sure it made a little sense, it told me that "il mio italiano e` cattivo" meant "my english is bad". yet when i translate "my italian is bad" from english to italian, it totally give me what i wrote. lame.
Today I had an absolutely horrid time at sailing.
It sucked.
I could barely manage.
But what could I have been doing instead?
PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE.
What could be better?
I just can't deal with this.
No more sailing on Mondays for me, just frisbee.
For realz.
Madonna's new single, 4 Minutes is just sort of upsetting. The song is pretty awful and the video itself is just lame. I mean, Hannah Montana's spoof on it is better. Mainly because Miss Cyrus's has some sick break dancing. But seriously.
I decided that I want to try out for the All-State Senior Jazz Band. Not for bass, but alto saxophone. Looking at this years requirements, I'm realizing that it is going to be very difficult. Molto difficile, as I say all the time. I hope it will work out though. I need to work on my improv, tone, learn scales, and just regain all my saxophone ability, I suppose. I was decent at it, even good, though I'm not the best judge.
I want to try out for the Senior Orchestra as well, for bass. That way if I didn't make the Jazz Band, I would hopefully still make orchestra.
Okay, dilemma:
may 6 = the fall of troy, the dear hunter + two bands I haven't heard of in new haven
may 8 = the classic crime, sksk + aiden in new haven
I am not going to get parental permission to go to both of these. I know it. But aghhhhh. Choosing which one to go to is difficult. I might not be able to go on the 6th anyway because it is a tuesday. =|
I think it is not fun at all to tune the E string on a bass down to D.
It's strung in fourths, leave it that way gosh darn it.
This is my main excuse for not bothering to learn ETID bass lines.
And I just don't like it.
edit: i hope i'm right about the fourths things because i mix it up a lot.
by the time i get these, everyone i know will have a pair. =(
but i'm going to get these, and as far as i know, no one i know has plans to get them. =]
I am going to Bamboozle. For sure. I don't have a ride this year. And even if I managed to find a ride at this point, I don't have the money. So next year I will be able to drive myself and afford a two-day pass, hopefully. I think there is a good chance. =)
I can't go to Warped this year because I will be working. But I really want to see LoveHateHero in April. But I'm hopefully going to see the Classic Crime, SKSK, etc. soon after in May. So I don't know if I'll have parental permission. And I need someone to go with. =|
I'm ridiculous.
i made a facebook group for the british band You Me At Six a while ago because I couldn't find any groups for them. And for the next few months there weren't. Now there are no less than 12 groups about the band. Facebook is really lame sometimes. I hate it.
You know what I think about a lot? How much I care about other people. Not about how much they care about how I look. But just like, caring. You know? Like oh, I hope they're doing alright, I hope they feel better...etc. This extends to basically acquaintances. Sort of.
=| I should be writing an english paper right now. Arghhh.
I haven't really written in a long time. Here or in my notebook (which I prefer). Honestly, I'm really trying to avoid everything that's happening right now. Some things are perfectly alright, really good even, in some cases, but some stuff is just stressing me out. It's lame. I use the word 'lame' so much these days. I'm not even sure who I know that says that. Probably no one.
Outside the wind is howling. Or exhaling very loudly. It's more of a roar than that thin reedy sound of wind whistling through trees.
Today I went with my mom to pick up my brother and his friend from their soccer games, and the way up it rained. One the way home, it poured. The wind was incredible. It was probably some of the worst rain I've seen. [That may or may not be an exaggeration, because at the time the rain was pretty intense.] Anyway, the weather today was awful.
I'm learning how to drive (finally!). Yesterday I watched the Bourne Ultimatum and today I watched the Bourne Supremacy (out of order, I know) and what they have taught me about driving is this: potentially, you can go through a vicious road chase, escape the police and get the person chasing you killed, all without doing much/any damage to your own body.
Personally, I don't think there are enough overpasses or construction sites here for me to do that.
Listening to Angels and Airwaves makes me feel so weird. I haven't really listened to them much, but I've heard "Secret Crowds" on the radio a few times recently and decided to listen to their first album. I just feel like I'm listening to Blink-182, but a little more mellow. Obviously I know the reason for this, but it just... is so odd.
