ayyy

the best thing was said to me today:
"spandex are a privilege, not a right."
or something along those lines, by this kid i barely know whose name is Drew. amazingness fer sureee.

THIS IS NOT TRUE

you will come down soon too
you will come down too soon


i hate not knowing what to say, i hate silence. i hate the not knowing more. i'm sick of listening to my own voice. i'm sick of people listening to me. sing me a song and it will make everything all right. i just want everything to be all right. Maybe someday we will be. i miss happy endings. these things are never ending. we have gone too far to turn around. we have gone too far. i missed. this is not the time to say these words spilling from my mouth. nothing right has ever come out. i was trying to be hiding in my silence. i broke it, this is timeless. i promised to tell everything when the time is right. the time will never be right, you know. this is the best i have ever been. and the worst i have ever been. there is no inbetween, no happy medium. i lost everything and gained all i knew. one fell swoop. so cliche. how i never know the right words to say. there is no idea, no golden thought, that will allow me to continue on. i'm hanging on with all i've got. everything will be all right some time i pray. it's to much for me to say. silence suffocating me down. tieing me to the ground. static and immobile. these hopes are futile. there is no escape from the silence i've made. no escape from the sound. contradict everything, this is nothing but a dream. i've hoped to see it all. this is all i've seen. destruction and disaster. lies and laughter. hidden meaning i will never know. i am never told. we fight this war until we grow old and brittle. old and bitter. the hate corrodes our insides. rusted metal grating at our minds. leaving the past behind. we will all die.


-----
today was decent.

work = results, lazy = nothing

I should do something rather than procrastinate so much. Like learn the languages I love. Every single one of them. And get the scanner hooked up to the mac. Pen in my drawings. Read more. Do homework on time. Run all the time. Swim all the time. Everything I say I would like to do. It's stupid. But I never get anything done. Oh, and practice bass, which is becoming a reality. All-state will be the death of me. But it's something better than being boring.

Agh. I hate notes for modern euro and my inability to be productive while on a computer w/the internet. >0

there is no finale

we tried the best we could
i never knew what i knew i should
but everything is the past
the future is coming fast
these sounds fill me with emotions
i can not explain
no words to give a name
failing me for now
words & sounds at once
will you join me?
i know i am not the best
i know that i am a mess
i am giving you a chance, a choice
if i asked you, would you dance with me?
me and my two left feet?
oh, i'm always waiting for a 'no'
i don't know what to believe
people on tv, tell me things i need
i don't need you.
maybe i do. maybe i don't.
deciding things for me.
this world is beyond me
i am trailing behind, a relic,
lost in my own mind
is this for real?
i never knew what to feel, when
you said 'i love you'
it wasn't a conclusion, ever.
i miss you, never.
beginning at the ending,
i have no more problems,
there is no feeling in my words
the sounds i hear, filling the air
emotions i can't explain
while words fail me
and i shake shake shake
on my own, i am filled with feeling
this is nothing real
i can tell you this
i can't tell you this
there was never anything to miss
this is true
i watched everything and talked talked talked
to hear my voice and not hear silence
that would tell me the truths
i did not want to hear anything
but myself
because listening is so difficult
and every thought has a violent need
to be screamed
i hide and hide, silence can be my disguise
there is nothing to say
there is everything to say
i am not finished, i am not done
there is no finale.

ah ha!

So today, I'm walking/sprinting to my first class and see Kate A. who waves me over and points to her mouth were there is an amazing green lip ring. Unfortunately, it's not real, but it was incredibly cool. And I saw Kara and Kainoa on my run which was pretty swell. =0

I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I need to get cracking on that robot costume if that's what I want to be. I'll probably just put on ridiculous clothes and too much make-up and say I'm something random. It doesn't really matter. I swear I'm going to go trick-or-treating forever.

I want this shirt:

uh

So I have a small obsession with French bands. It's all good though.

let's see

I totally respect Radiohead. Their new cd can only be downloaded from their site. You choose the price. And that officially makes me feel far to guilty to try to download it without paying anything. The price is in UK pounds though. And a dollar is like .48 pounds. Which sort of sucks. But, oh well. Besides fixing our economy and national debt, there's not much I can do. ;)

buy me this.
(for girls though)
i will love you forever.

so i wrote something today

it rambles.

you can paint your face with the bad news
all things end much too soon
we'll never know for sure what's going on
but everyone loves a good fight
well we're fighting but what's the poit
w're living and nothing's the same
we're humans are we ever humane?
i wish i could say everything i wanted to
and not get ridiculed for being
so idealistic and naive, it's not
how i mean to be
but words sound better in my mind
than to my ears
every things changed out loud
there's a sound for every emotion i know
we try and hide it,
know one will know
this isn't real or reality
all these things mean nothing to me
we're fighting but there is no reason
we're humans yet not humane
our solutions create problems
we now have to fix
we're missing the point
there is no conclusion
these words are my war
i wish i could do something more
opportunity is what i'm askign ofr
these options are limited, but my feelings intense
emotions like a prism--every color
there's no solution, we are who we are
i just wihs i could say what i wanted to
and not be ridiculed for being idealistic and naive
it's not how i mean to be
everything sound better in my mind
i'm working on thinking how to make things more clear
but the ideas aren't adding up
and the solutions are not enough

a bay bay

i actually hate that song.

buttt, I may be posting on my lj again, fer realz. lawlz. =] hehe.
and i haven't written anything in forever, but words have been bouncing around my brain, I've been so busy. Not really busy enough to justify not writing down said words but whateverrr. =]

and i officially <3 switchfoot. they're lovely.

weeeeeee

the classic crime is awesome. =]

dude

Things are 1/2 good 1/2 bad. I'm sick of being so fucking melodramatic. So that's my mid-end of year resolution, to stop being so fucking melodramatic. And lighten up and work on my schoolwork because I take things way too seriously and need to get an A in modern euro. it was such a mistake to switch into that class. Whatever.

mood

I wish there were better describing words because what I feel like right now = anxious/worried/scared/nervous/terrified/numb/angry/depressed

shit.

how can you tell me those obvious lies with such a straight face?

----
I fucking need a new ipod. Now.

Everything is resolved with a sea breeze and watching the sun rise over the trees. Seeing the sky fill with every hue.

old stuff

Just stuff that was written a while ago . It's not very good and there are lines pretty much stolen from Conor Oberst...oh well.
-------

the words? they stumble around
speaking of things which i'd rather
not talk about
i tried it once, twice, and it's
never gonna happen again I'm afraid
Trust is impossible when people won't
Take your secrets to the grave
you can repeat all the lies
and give the apologies
I'm just gonna walk down the street
And hope I never see you again
Betrayal is nothing to take lightly
And I'm sick of forgiving so called friends
No one will be there 'til the end
Denial is worthless and selfish
How could I believe you would do this?
Always so trusting, I'm sick of me caring
EVERYTHING IS THE SAME

-----------

we were staring up at the clouds
wondering what would come around next
heard the future in our sleep
saw the world with a disease
watched cities crumble on tv
while no one ever heard of you or me

so hard to remember how this goes
as i watched you put on your clothes
where are we now, what time is it?
why do we still exist?

I never thought it'd take so long
And I always feel so alone
Somewhere we went wrong
Between the passing of a cloud and the sun coming out

Our past and future will never meet again
Goodbye, now I've said it again
Sometime this will end, sometime this will end
sometime we will all end

whispered promises, with hopes of happiness
this is always how life was
on the edge of lonliness, when we had no one else
and the future passed us by.

--------
Don't Try, We'll Just Leave
Hold your hand out, it's time to leave
This never was the right disease
The way things were we should have seen
Nothing is as it seems

Pour the wine and have a toast
What is it that you miss the most:
Curious kisses and roaming hands?
Eyes full of desire and loniliness?

This pity party is such a drag
You can never lose what you never had
Talk full of cliches and ungraceful words,
All the truth you had never heard

Walking straight to our graves
Who did you want to save:
The lover that you never loved?
The friend who was never good enough?

Inaction-you're gravest sin
You who never let anyone win
Crocodile tears fall from brown eyes,
You only weep from surprise.

--------------
Joy
Chasing circles around my head
What's to worst you could have said to me?
All the anger and the rage
Wine bottles flying through the air
The contents nicely aged leaving spectacular stains
Held by memories

So I say you're not alone
You say you'll never be whole
The tears in my eyes leaving shadows in my mind
While the door is swinging shut
And I'm left all undone

Which is worse, which is worse
Being left or never having anyone?
And while this perpetual heartache's amusing
These feelings are deceiving
I was never good at choosing
I want to learn everything you see.

And my mind fills with questions
None of them answered. I get up at dawn just to see the sunrise.
All the memories with meaning have faded
That's how it seems--I just want something to hold onto
As the sky fills up pinks and orange and blue
I'm filled with something which so long ago I knew
And now it seems that everything will resolve in the end.

---------
this one really sucks (i deleted some of the really sucky parts though)
we live the cleanest lives we can
volunteering and showers planned
walk along this clear white line
following plans made for our lives

it's been so long now and it's so dark
as we're sitting on a bench in the park
night noises and silence,
our breathing so violent.
I shiver at the sound, it is so dark now.

I laughed when you said you would never be free
I didn't know what you meant
Well this cage that we're in it's all
that we see, clawing at the bars
pretending we're happy
but it was never meant to be

i've been waiting all night for you to tell me
What's going on, but you've stayed as silent
as i've tried to be
And I still wonder what you meant
And if you see the same cage as me.

----------

I tried so hard
Yet everyone still saw the scars
That I always wanted to hide
Someday I'll be fine, I know
I'm always hoping to be found
When I'm lost in the city
Not looking where I am
The nights are so pretty
Even if I can't see the stars
I know that they're there
I hope someone cares as much as me
All the people with their friends
I've yet to make amends with mine,
for everything that happened last time.
I don't know if I could say,
'Things are better off this way'
But I can't get hurt and can't hurt anyone
Sometimes I try to find you
Where I think you'll be
I promise you'll never see me
You'd never want to, I wouldn't want to--
But as i watch the sunrise
Sitting on the beach
I know this isn't the end you
would have wanted for me
I don't know what you wanted from me
I just want to be alive
I do not want to die, anymore
not like i did before

--------

crash and burn, don't pretend
you'll never learn, you've done it again
this disaster is nothing more than you idea of
a good time
you should stop wasting my time
the weeks pass like seconds
i realize i still need you like i need air
it feels horrible
neck high in water that's only getting deeper
i know that i am wrong but you were
always my keeper--
things should have, could have, would have
been different, any other way
It's times like these when sleep is the only escape,
Until nightmares, of harsher years grate upon my mind
Reminding me time and time again why i don't need you
you who i long for, you are my air
I wish you were here

----------
This Future is Our Past
We watch the days fade away
Like our writing in the sand
The sounds of our demise
Filling our ears like a band
A soft and lonely silence settles over
This is the only time I regret
We laughed with innocence at all these feelings
Never expecting how these things would go
I'd give anything to know what you're feeling
But I would never ask and you would never let it show
Those emotions that fly on windy days like these
Watching those colors, simply drifting the breeze
We made promises before we knew what they were
There was nothing easier or free
Laying on the grass watch the clouds
pass overhead
Calling out shapes, remembering all we had said
There was nothing more simple than that
All we had was good times and laughs
The world was what we had
To do with what we wished
Laughter and happiness--there was only bliss
Now these times remind me of this
Only everything isn't the same
Laughter and happiness--it isn't yours or mine
A tale of destruction or a tale of the times?
I don't know. I do not know.
There was such confusion and all that fuss,
The world let us know that we had fucked up
Up until then it was nothing but youthful innocence
We knew not what we did
You said you needed time, well I needed time to think
There was a time when all these problems
Were solved with merely a drink
But no more.
We loved and we lost though we tried as well
as we knew how
this game was never explained and
it's over now
And we sit in silence by the sea
watching clouds pass in the breeze
there was nothing easier or free.

----------

There was nothing but innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
But I knew something was missing
You would have given the world
To just have known what I was thinking
You'd said it enough
You've said it so much
A penny for your thoughts?
The world for yours?
Our treasonous voices, humming vocal chords
A smile as bright as sunshine
Through the cold downpour
Every contradiction--I still wanted more
Drifting through the seasons
Now spring is in the air
Sh! Now be quiet, and tell me what you hear
Spin me a tale of truth and love--
One of those I need more of
There was only innocence
In those stolen kisses
I told you I loved you
I knew something was missing
Now ever day's a day
You could have had with out me
I didn't realize then what I'm now guilty of:
Wasting your time,
Just as you were a pleasant waste of mine.

...:::///|||\\\:::...

It's sort of a lot (it took long enough to type anyway) but it's about everything I've written recently. Tokyo Police Club is really awesome.

repeat.

Listen to these lies
This never ending pattern of replies
I've heard it before, heard nothing more
This constant insanity

It's always goodbye
Always the same old song
Always you've done wrong again.
All over again.

Wishing and dreaming that something could change
Something would change
It was never enough
There is never enough to work

And we say the words
as well rehearsed lines
Every emotion perfected and every look just right
All the stage cues performed at exactly the right time

All of this was never going to work
Better at fighting then getting along
From the beginning this was all wrong
This was never a good choice

So we repeat the words
So well rehearsed and familiar
It was always this way
And it is always the same
These fights will never go away.


---------

Everything I write is exactly the same. Except some of the earlier stuff when I was a fucking mess. I need to work on it.

boredom!

You Were Born Under:

Your most comfortable inside your head - and often daydream the day away. You have an artistic temperament that makes you seem creative to some, eccentric to others. You avoid conflict at all costs, and you have a difficult time with relationships. Attractive and with good manners, you tend to shine in social situations. You are most compatible with a Pig or Rabbit.

What Year Were You Born Under?

You can judge for yourself, but I think that description is surprisingly good. Except shining in social situations. No way.

You are 47% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

hahaha =O

oh no.

there is less than a week until school starts. =( ick.

jebediah the fish and the angry biker!

I copied this from Kara's lj , because this is what I did last night after going to Pizza Place then DQ with Kara, her mom and a bunch of other people that I could list but am not going to. It's pretty sweet (edit - i think it's sweet because i made it), and where it says 'Sarah', that's me.

Tonight at youth we created a story, of sorts.
(And by 'we', I'm mean Sarah and I. And I guess Jess contributed with the storyline a little. But mainly Sarah. I give her the credit.)
We found some little religious foam cutouts ("Jesus Pieces") in the cabinet at church and decided to do arts and crafts while listening to some Anberlin and a lil' Family Force 5.
Here's the rest...
Enjoy! (Or, don't. Because I'm not sure I would. Haha.)











He's rockin' the NSYNC tee shirt.



Fin.

----------------------Back to me.

If it's tough to read some things, sorry I had to make the pictures smaller so they would fit without being cut off. I'm off for a run!

joy.

All those false words of sympathy
Held up with melodies of misery
All I wanted was to not be forgotten.
But we forget.
Nothing more, nothing less.

----------

The facts compel this conclusion
Lies holding up an illusion of democracy
An illusion of idiocy--wait, that's real.

-------------

Are we strangers in a strange strange land?
never understanding all these worthless plans
waiting for answers but just standing around
the flowers looked beautiful but now they're dead
and the ground is cold

we lost our map ages ago
now wanderers lost on this empty plain
stragglers driving through the rain
don't know where we're going,
but we'll find out when we get there

----------------

nothing's making sense
these incoherent thoughts are a mess
i miss these ease with which i used to write
words flowing freely from a pen (keyboard)
and now it's this chopped up mess
going from fear of being forgotten
to democracy to wandering
i miss everything. =/