those words-they meant everything to me,
too bad they meant nothing to you
so laugh tell me all that's gone wrong
there is nothing left to see
everyone is packing up and leaving
you can take the last train home
but this city is all i know
i won't be leaving here now
and the train is pulling away from the station
then disappearing into the sun so far away
---------

i gave up before writing anything else. =/

well

I just don't know.
It's so ridiculous how everything matters so much right now.
But it won't in a few years.
It won't months from now, perhaps.
But right now, at this very moment, it's all I have.
I hate that.
And I stress over all these things
that will fall apart and break,
corode away like rust over time
and i might be fine someday


agh. I thought things were getting better, but now I'm so worried and stressed and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this nervous tension that is running through my brain I just can't deal. I'm going. Gone.

Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven, but Nobody Wants to Die

I hear cellos too.

There is so much I could say, but that sums up what I feel like. If you have not read the wonderful book by David Crowder and Mike Hogan that is the title of this post, I strongly recommend it. And apologies to the authors of said book for sort of but not really citing their book as the source for the cello thing.

for the record

First Day of My Life isn't my favorite Bright Eyes song, but it seemed (and still does to an extent) appropriate.

yo!

this thursday (may 1st)= the almost
sweetness!
may 11 = ap exam
not so sweetness!
may 12 = jen's b-day party
sweetness!

and some other sweet stuff. i'm happy.

anxiety =/

I'm nervous. Not for anything specific, but a general nervousness. As if something is going to give soon. An anticipation of an unpleasant event. I know an unpleasant event in my future, but it's not the type to give me this churning pit in my stomach. I don't like it. =|

long time no see

So, it's friday (almost saturday), two more days of vacation left. Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to webster theatre in Hartford, to see Cute is What We Aim For, As Tall as Lions, Envy on the Coast, and Circa Survive (AP Tour). I'm super excited!
I have refound my love for the faint. (My about me is from Violent by the Faint.) And I'm very upset at Virb.com's slow speeds today. Not loading artist's music or videos (I really wanted to see Confines by PlayRadioPlay!) That was sad. Though Virb is quite fun. That's all the news I have.

Slight interlude:
Here's the music video for the name of my blog (by Bright Eyes, who else?), the lyrics are below if you'd like to look. (I love looking at lyrics.)



First Day Of My Life

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

!

Well, the report card was not taken badly. It could've been worse though. I'm going to my cousin's senior exhibition tonight too! So that's good. Today has been pretty good. I still have about a million questions to answer as an analysis of a short story (Miriam by Truman Capote) and a short speech to write/formulate, but I'll manage.

Things are looking up. For a little anyway.

baddd

I'm in like the worst mood. Honestly today is not making me look forward to tomorrow. I don't want to do my english homework. I don't want to study for Italian. I don't want to worry about my impending trip upstate that was moved a day ahead due to certain circumstances. I don't want to be yelled at for the B- I have on my report card. Or for my health grade which I know is gonna suck (for the record, it is totally not my fault)! !!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$! $@!#* *%?!
mess mess mess mess

today is not helping me at all

life is literally falling apart

the only good thing is my new haircut

but honestly that's not going to make life better

i still have a billion questions to answer

and a speech to formulate

and all this shit that's never going to get done because i'm too lazy to bother and too worried and aggravated to concentrate on it and my brother's in the next room playing guitar hero without a care in the world and i'm stressing because i don't think i can handle being criticized for anything right now much less being yelled at for having a not awesome report card. biggest run on ever.

PBGRs =(

I'm going to use this post to vent against PBGRs, which if you didn't know are Proficiency Based Graduation Requirements. By the end of my high school career I need to have 48 of these rubrics with the works that go with them in an e-portfolio or I will not graduate.
Most students are unhappy with these requirements (in the form of rubrics) and I think that many adults think that this negative response is due to us (as teenagers) just not wanting to do more work. However, PBGRs are a flawed system and actual points can be made against them. Not only is it often difficult to get rubrics, I'm not sure that everyone even knows which rubrics are required. I definitely don't. This system put a lot of pressure on the students to know what is needed, and in some cases to find work that fits the requirements. I realize that this helps us think for ourselves (the school won't aways be there), but when you're already struggling with a schedule full of honors and extracurriculars it's difficult to do this. In addition, uploading PBGRs into the e-portfolio is often difficult. The main time students from my school have a chance is during their advisory block, every Wednesday, for about 40 minutes. Once a piece of work is on the computer it then has to be attached to an assignment in your e-portfolio. This is the teacher's job, they have to post assignments. I have two rubrics from English this year that are proficient. I uploaded one, went to the site, and proceeded to give up. There was nothing I could do.

I'm sick of writing about these unreasonable requirements, maybe there will be more on the continueing saga of the PBGRs, but for now it's done.

I realize my writing is ineloquent and poorly worded. To learn more [and see much better sentence structure and vocabulary] I suggest this blog: It's Our Education

first

mascara tears
you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at your mascara tears
dripping down your face

tight tight tight
clothing
hugging that androgynous body
tightly tightly tightly

do you feel like a clone
looking like those other teens
waiting for a chance
to make it big like jeffree star

is that who you are
do you wanna be a star?
is that who you are
faker faker faker

or are you real and complete
is this all you want to be
is the club beat all you need
scream scream scream

you're so fucking beautiful
with your blackened eyes
look at those mascara tears
running down your white white face

look at you in this place
you've said the words you can't erase
with the mascara tears running down your face
but we'll tell you what you want to hear

tonight.


...:::///|||\\\:::...

riot in the streets

forgive me for not forgiving you
no i never loved you
don't tell me I'm lying
don't tell me I'm lying
don't don't don't
i was never perfect
but always the perfectionist
you always said
'hey who cares anyway'
not you.
i never knew what love is
still doubt i do now
trust trust trust
is a weakness
forgiving
is a fallacy
forgetting
is beyond me
loving
is an unknown
it's not you it's me
reverberating through my head
yeah right, yeah right
like i'd believe you this time
shut up shut up
don't tell me your words of deceit
it's nothing, they're nothing
you're nothing.

=0

ew double post

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

=]

haha

I read my previous post and just thought of how much my english teacher would hate it. I use the word 'is' numerous times, and there are contractions! The world does not know how much I despise formal writing. =(

ick.

If there's one thing I hate, it's portrayal of loss of innocence in writing. A main factor in an essay I recently wrote dealing with The Catcher In The Rye, loss of innocence sucks. It's a depressing topic, and shows how depraved our world is as children lose their naivety earlier and earlier. Though some may say that this is not a bad thing, it's horrible. Horrible.

convert to puritanism

even if there's something to believe in i don't care at all
beyond caring
just hope hope hope
to end it all
to take that final fall
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life now
no regrets now, find happiness
was everything a waste then?
is everything now lost?
is there reason to this madness
so easily sought
brace yourself for the truth
realize everyone lies
there isn't a person
without a secret to hide
suggest the solution
but not the answer to the problem
remember all the tears
but none of laughter
there's nothing more now
there's only this
there's only life
no regrets, find happiness
is this the way to go
out out out
to have the final fall
to have the final shout
is this the way to go
out out out
there's so much left
there's so much time
and it's running out
leaving isn't justifiable
the reasons aren't reliable
there's only this
only this now
all these consequences of common sense
all these choices of consciousness
there's only this left


6/23 - some of these lines are practically from rent, i've only seen parts of the movie and never seen the play, so it was unintentional.

save me from english

letter green i love you

yo

I'm having a lovely time avoiding english homework. Who really wants to write introductions to essays involving the psychological aspects of The Catcher in the Rye? Not me. So I'm not. I also have a trial to prepare for though, and should be doing that, but it's not that important, so I'm not.

my new love: Ever
go to: www.myspace.com/everandeverandever

pure awesomeness.

thinking sucks

I can't deal with life. I'm stressed, and school starts again with vacation's end tomorrow. Which is bad x2309482390423 (or more). It's supposed to snow, so I'm happy even if we have school, but I've been thinking too much. I'm really good at over-analyzing what people say, and my own thoughts. It sucks. A lot.

anna molly by incubus



=O